I've been wanting to start writing again, but never got to act on it.

Then Taylor Swift released The Life of a Showgirl with a song called Eldest Daughter, and it hit me.

~ When I said I don't believe in marriage, that was a lie

Every eldest daughter

Was the first lamb to the slaughter

So we all dressed up as wolves and we looked fire ~

As I get older, in a long-term relationship, I realize now that I never imagined being married. I wasn’t one of those little girls who knew exactly what she wanted for her wedding day. I never thought I’d be in a long-term relationship, let alone one that lasts this long, with a love that’s patient and tender enough to hold my messiness, yet gentle enough to let me keep my fiercely independent self—the independence I had to grow on my own, whether I wanted it or not. I crave love. I crave care. Yet I’m haunted by the independence I was forced to grow into, the armor I learned to wear before I even knew what freedom felt like. I'm not done healing. And still, he’s here, patiently navigating the puzzle of me.

Being the firstborn—the trial until the end of time—I’ve learned to be self-sufficient. No one can blame me for wanting nothing from my parents once I walked out the door.. I dreamed of living as far away as possible, away from the expectations, the endless tests, the “love” that came wrapped in control. I'm tired of being a guinea pig in a lab of parenthood that never knew when to stop, convinced it was all for my own good.

Here I am, still learning to be loved, still learning to let love in without losing myself. The hardest part if you ask? It's letting people love you the right way, because it's the opposite of what I've been taught my whole life.