nobagels!

I got a question: “How did you stay positive?”

i didn’t plan it.  i’m not where i ultimately wanted to be, but, as i said to both my doctor and bariatric coordinator, if i never lose anymore weight, i’d be happy to stay where i am now.  i can do what i want, buy clothes anywhere, walk through turnstiles without turning sideways, sit in any chair, get picked up by my boyfriend, etc etc etc.  my life is so much easier just by the virtue of being an average size now.

so why am i having such a hard time lately?  

i got used to the thrill, the high, of seeing the scale drop numbers consistently.  i got accustomed to buying cute things a size or two smaller than i currently fit in because i knew i’d shrink into it in a week or a month.  

those things aren’t happening anymore.  and it’s messing with my brain.

i’m feeling like i’ve wasted this opportunity.  that i should have made more of the first year after surgery.  that i’m ruining it by letting my resolve falter and allowing myself to relax when it comes to food and exercise – to try to be normal.

As my therapist says, it's uncomfortable sometimes because who are you going to be now? What will you do?

i don’t even really know what to say here, it’s been such a crazy year filled with so many changes and challenges and accomplishments and successes.

i’ve lost 125 pounds since my highest weight and 95 since my surgery.  it sometimes doesn’t seem like enough, but others it feels like so much more than i could have hoped for. my one-year bloodwork came back perfect, again (except my vitamin B12 is a little high, so i get to cut back on one pill, at least. yay!).

my dietitian and bariatric program coordinator are thrilled with my progress.  i’ve lost 84% of my excess weight!  that blows the averages for VSG out of the water.  they call me a rockstar for my progress not only in pounds lost but in changing my lifestyle and having such a good attitude about the entire process.

i was so scared to ask for this surgery from my doctor back in the summer of 2013.  it took a long time to happen, but i’m so glad it did.  i’m also glad i had to wait for almost two years as it gave me the time to work on myself and learn all i could about the process and the procedure before it became real.  i still contend that that time i had to learn about it and read all i could made this work so well for me.  i had realistic expectations.  i knew it wouldn’t be a miracle cure and that there would still be work involved.  

i’m not at goal yet – not that there’s ever been an official “goal” given to me by my program – but i’m not concerned.  even if i never lose another pound, i’d be entirely satisfied with my progress.  but… i would like to lose half of me, which means another 22-ish pounds. i know what i need to do to get there, i just have to concentrate a little more than i have been of late (oh, popcorn, you sultry siren).

i was very lucky to have had no major complications with my surgery.  other than that little hiccup i had with a popped stitch in the early days, everything about it went perfectly for me.  i didn’t throw up once and i very rarely get the slimys (and usually only from dry meat, not any other reasons). no leaks, no infections.    

i am still so surprised when i fit into size 10 clothes or tiny chairs or through wee gaps between things.  at the same time, it’s almost like my outsides finally match what my insides always felt like – that’s why seeing photos of myself was always so shocking before. now, even though i’m still not entirely accustomed to my new body, it doesn’t feel weird.  it feels right.  

skin… is an issue.  i want to get my arms and boobs done by the end of the year, then i’ll have to save up for butt/thighs.  i somehow got off a little easy on the stomach area, but holy saggy butt, batman.  i was always bottom-heavy and it’s not really pretty when an epic booty deflates. luckily, i look really good in clothes and my new, amazing, wonderful boyfriend loves every flappy part of my naked body, so i can deal.  it’s a small price to pay, really, for all the health and happiness i’ve gained through this journey.

When I worked in So. Oregon, I fell in love with @tillamook products and was thrilled to find this #chocolatecoveredstrawberries #gelato last weekend.

Now, a question I get asked a lot is “Allison, you seem to #treatyoself a lot! How are you still so successful at weight loss?” So I want to answer this now with a visual.

Life is short and no one was ever long successful from starving and depriving themselves 24/7. CAVEAT: when you are healing from surgery it is VERY IMPORTANT to follow post op healing instructions to a T. But after that…

I eat cleanly 90% of the time and when I do have a treat, is ensure it fits into my daily caloric goal which means portion control. So why you guys may have seen a photo tonight that was alll “Gelato! Treatyoself!” I wanted to pull back the curtain.

There are 3 spoonfuls in an espresso cup…compare that to the actual container, a teacup, and a coffee mug. My treats are small. I didn’t secretly eat the whole pint. I fixed my little cup and ate it slowly with a tiny spoon in front of my husband. For someone who spent 20 years in a binge, purge, restriction cycle this is a huge F-ing deal and a win in itself.

So yeah, I might have a treat, but they are planned and measured. It isn’t easy, but it is necessary.

Thanks for reading and I hope someone, somewhere got a good takeaway from my novella ;)

I’ve been slacking off big time. Ive been feeling pretty defeated in this journey and it’s been effecting my eating. But I’ve been carefully watching my weight so it wouldn’t get too far out of control.

I'm scared they're going to tell me to lose more? I don't even know.

This morning was a special milestone in my weight loss journey–I have lost 100 pounds. I began my weight loss in August of 2015, and on March 9th, 2016, I underwent gastric bypass surgery.

Some people believe that weight loss surgery is “the easy way out,” and I’m here to tell you it really IS NOT. This has been the most difficult thing I have done in my life. Perhaps the most difficult part of the journey itself is the emotional roller coaster I have been on over the last year and a half. I may be biased in this regard (as I am a psychotherapist), but I cannot stress enough how vital it is to seek therapy when you know you have an unhealthy relationship with food or your body. I have learned a lot about myself in regard to how I used food as a coping mechanism (albeit an unhealthy one) and where that need to self-soothe through food came from in the first place. I have seen myself through binge-eating disorder complete with shameful eating in my car to avoid judgment and hide my binges. Now I actually struggle to eat in the first place; I’ve lost my appetite since the surgery so now I have to actively remind myself to eat and meet my macros. The last thing I need is for this to turn into a different eating disorder–and I have talked about that fear with my therapist.

The next hurdle in my emotional journey is coming up soon as I approach my lowest adult weight ever. I find myself having more and more questions (some quite irrational):

What will I look like below 260 pounds?

What if I am misshapen in some way?

I plateaued at 260 before; can I get past that mark and continue losing?

The biggest conclusion I have come to regarding my weight loss journey is that no matter what happens, I absolutely cannot beat myself up about anything–food decisions or body image inclusive.

Part of why I ended up as heavy as I was was because of how I was treating myself internally. I was my biggest critic, and I never gave myself constructive criticism. The most destructive thing in my life wasn’t the food I was eating (to an extent), instead, it was how I spoke to myself. Being body positive DOES NOT equate to fat acceptance–I have always understood I needed to lose weight to be healthier, but until I started appreciating the body I have and loving myself with all of my scars, folds, stretch marks, and fat, I couldn’t really commit to bettering myself.

Wall of text aside, here are my parting words:

Be kind to yourself; self-loathing and destructive criticism is not going to help you get better.

Talk to someone! Weight loss is as much an emotional process as it is physical.

Accept your body throughout all its changes.

Embrace and own up to your mistakes. Should I have eaten that? Probably not, but it’s okay, I’m going to have a protein shake for dinner.

45 pounds + 45 pounds = 90 pounds

Imagine carrying those two bars around with you everyday. Up and down the stairs. To the bathroom. Into the closet. In and out of your car. Up from and into your desk chair.

I can’t tell you what a difference it makes in dressing rooms. On staircases. On airplanes.