Uh Oh! Nat Moment

Plus my fanfic commission sheet!

I feel so pathetic for being so companionship-starved. Dysphoria has been hitting hard this week and making me realize that 99% of my irl friendships don't actually know me. Even if I enjoy hanging out with them, I don't truly feel like myself. Especially when they use the wrong pronouns and name to refer to me. Usually I can ignore it, but it was done recently while saying something in english and it just really ticked me off because I associate english with a space where I don't have to perform as someone else.

I'm feeling saudade but trying really hard not to make it obvious. I hate hate hate how what happened last december has just forever broken me into being too afraid of telling someone how much they mean to me, lest they get unnerved/disgusted/uncomfortable by it and run away. I hate hate hate how just as I was starting to move on, said person came back to tell me our interactions were compulsive and there were no real feelings behind it despite being the one who initiated in the first place. I hate hate hate how they said they'd still want to be friends just to disappear again and not talk to me despite trying to text them. It makes me feel like I can't trust what people tell me anymore without the little voice in my head saying "but what if they're just tolerating you? What if they just don't want to make you upset? What if they just don't have enough of a backbone to tell you no?".