Sē Ipsum Invenīre

i fall into warm pools of honey

Their comfort an embrace like no other

a touch of souls before our hands have made contact

an understanding and acceptance for one another in the purest of forms

my chest and throat tighten as though the mere feeling were enough to ruin me

my eyes burn with unshed catharsis for what flares and spreads

an unknown source whoms name remains unspoken by the lips of denial and fear

how could I have let this happen?

how could I have fallen so?

my heart now fragile & not numb with cold to protect it

my lips taste the salt of the rivers now flowing down my cheeks

what do I do now?

i am in the unknown

a peace so foreign I crave the chaos that has become too familiar

what is this pressure that builds & threatens to crumble the resolve I spent so many years forging

this warmth melting my walls of steel & ice

how do I get rid of it before it ends me?

how do I give it back to the cruel heavens that have subjected me to this so called blessing...

a thumb brushes away my rivers

a hand lays on each cheek

lips I have come to know as clouds touch my forehead, then my nose...

my face is traced by clouds & this fire of the Unknown that burned & scrambled my resolve lays quiet

i drift in the silence & calm that calms in my surrender

there's no battle to prepare for

there's no argument that needs to be had

there's no defense to forge

true vulnerability of the heart & mind

An acceptance to all the broken I know not how to repair

gentleness...

care...

I was watching the rain this weekend in different moments. Realizing it had been a while since I had just sat back to watch the droplets leave trails on the windows as they merged into each other. The rolling of the clouds, the gentle sweep of the wind against the leaves, so delicate in comparison to their thunder and lightning. The silence that stills in expectancy of their arrival. The way in which each role performed by them, a calling to my own turmoil bottled within.

I'd forgotten how easily my soul recognizes their sound and ambiance. How easily I could close my eyes to feel all i had hidden away for another day. Hidden out of fear of feeling too much. I'd forgotten that in the storm, as the rain pours from the heavens, my eyes become waterfalls that merge with the droplets I had just traced with my fingertips.

Feeling everything at once and understanding nothing because in that moment it wasnt about understanding it was about finally letting go. The fear, the anger, the loss, the passion... suddenly in that one moment what usually was overwhelming became my safety net enveloping me in the security of knowing it was okay to feel again.

i forgot to fall in love with the trees and flowers every spring,

enjoy the salty sea breeze with my toes in the sand in the summer,

sip pumpkin spice lattes while watching the leaves turn golden in autumn,

or even seeing the gentle blanket of snow cover the ground in a blissful untouched wonderland in the winter.

i had forgotten that at four & twenty i didnt have to have life figured out. i didnt have to be the one to keep things from falling apart even as every piece of me continued to be torn. the hardest part was having to realize that even if my shards had somehow come together, it didnt mean i was still broken if they still carried a crack. the healing wouldn't be immediate, nor would it be flawless and that was okay.

there's still so much i need to process from the last few years. so much i have to forgive and stop blaming myself for. its going to be a long road ahead. some days will be better than others, but at least im still trying instead of hiding in numbness, and thats a step in the right direction.

so here's to falling in love with life.

to living the fairytale we dream of even when things dont go as planned.

to seeing the wonders of things we overlook daily.

to accepting we aren't meant to be perfect.

and most of all enjoying the small moments that become treasures.

late night reports ✒️

because out of everyone and everything, he's the one to quiet my ever racing mind ♡