Nittany Discord's Ponies and Dresses

...been doing a bit of that...

5/19/24 Kansas

3/31/23 Iowa

My 2004 Ford Explorer is in need of critical repairs. I've had it inspected at a garage servicing low-income residents, and they estimate all of the repairs would cost $1,535. This estimate would be good until the 21st of June. After that, it's most likely that I'll have to get a new appointment and new inspection completed, and appointments with this shop can be difficult to get.

Unfortunately, I am disabled and cannot find or maintain work without significant assistance, which means I cannot afford the repairs or a replacement car on my own. My only option is to hopefully raise funds.

I require my car to run errands in the city and visit my partner 8 hours away in Kansas. I'm also hoping to start a career in storm chasing. Therefore, it is vital that I have a functioning vehicle. I would be very grateful for any donations. All funds would go to car repairs.

EDIT:

You can also use Paypal! paypal.me/nittanydiscord

IT’S GOOD!!!

Mostly...

Been meaning to make an “update” where I’m just saying “I’m fine” instead of needing to vent, but I haven’t been motivated to do so until now.  I finished an eight week adult day treatment therapy program last week, and it helped me much more with my mental health issues than I anticipated.  It’s amazing what peer-reviewed psychology and sociology can do!

I still have some demons, though.  For one, I’m still scared of speaking up in groups and expressing anger or frustration.  I’ve been conditioned hard to believe that if I express my anger around others, that I’m in the wrong and I will make others feel bad*.  I don’t like to make friends feel bad, but I also realize that ignoring or cancelling my emotions only causes them to build up into mental illness.  I don’t know how to healthily express anger around others, especially intense anger or other emotions, such as losing badly in a competitive game, and therefore, I avoided competitive games and avoided groups of people that caused me irritation and frustration.  That’s all well and good until said groups are friends and trusted people.  I want to hang out with friends, but I don’t want to have an outburst or cause issues when I get upset.  Hence the dilemma.  Of course, I assume my friends will get upset if I become aggravated at them or at a game, but my assumptions could be wrong.  My friends are not like my family and others in my past, and I no longer have to blame myself for intense emotions.

I was just wondering what you're pronouns are, would prefer They/Them, She/her? I just wanna be supportive and if I ever mention you or even just thinking about you from time to time hoping your okay, I'd like to be correct in how I refer to you.

Thanks for your time! ~Mysti Btw, I'm not to fussed about my own pronouns but He/Him seem to fit best at most times.

We all want like to be a fair meritocracy.  We want to feel like we’re getting fair pay for our work and effort.  Instead, we live in a competition where the winners get to own everyone else and profit off of other’s hard work.  How is that fair?

Proponents of Capitalism really sell the system as meritocratic, and on the surface, it seems that way.  In reality, they don’t advertise resource limitations or complexities or the threat of bad actors taking over.  These are problems that proper regulations could solve, and the bad actors know it.  That’s why they gaslight the honest against fair regulations.  They make them afraid of the rewards of their hard work being stolen by a governing body while the rewards of their hard work are being stolen by non-elected individuals and groups, the winners of Capitalism.  As a result, success becomes governed by the winners and not the people, and a lucky few are allowed to also win at life if they either pledge enough loyalty to the winners or are cunning and manipulative enough to beat the winners at their own game.  Everyone else is fated to serve the winners for life with little to no hope of improvement.  Their hard work goes to enriching the winners and not themselves, taking the very merit out of the system they were told would reward them for hard work.

I thought leaving my abusive grandmother would be the end of poor mental health issues.  I didn’t realize that a lot of fears and distortions I built up while staying with her would follow me to Minnesota.  I also didn’t realize the other cognitive distortions I built up from my childhood, dealing with social rejection and bullying in school and parents that tried to teach my ADHD out of me.

I find myself afraid of dealing with complex and stressful social situations to the point where I do everything to avoid them.  I’ve become afraid of social activities with friends because I feel like I embarrass myself in front of them too much with my ADHD and autism.  I’m afraid my friends are going to lose patience with me eventually.  I’m terrified of being a toxic partner in my relationship.  I’m extremely hard on myself because I fear that if I don’t act perfectly neurotypical and be a social butterfly that I won’t have a career or future beyond being unemployed, poor, and forgotten.  I also don’t cope with stress well.  I don’t think I’ve ever been able to.

I fell into a fallacy that one change in my life would make all of my problems go away.  “If I could only get away from my grandmother and family...”  I didn’t realize that life wasn’t as simple as that, and that positive change is a process.  It’s just scary waiting for a better life because I’ve had my life fall apart rapidly before, and I’m terrified of it happening again.

I don’t want to say that I’ll change or that my attitude will be better from now on because I know that’s not true.  I don’t want to change who I am.  I just want to change how I think of myself and how I perceive society.  I’ll have a better attitude as therapy works its magic, but it’s going to be a slow process.

Speaking of therapy, I am seeking more therapy for my social anxiety and support for ADHD and autism.  Unfortunately, I’m on waiting lists for some of these services, and I’ve had to deal with a tough year between moving to a noisy apartment in a bad neighborhood (which I’m now hoping to move out of) and my former cellphone provider giving me a hard time, so my patience has been thin.  I’m afraid to reach out for help from friends and loved ones because I keep feeling morally obligated to handle things on my own.  I also keep fearing somebody telling me to stop whining and begging and learn to deal with it myself (thanks, family and male gender roles).

It’s not all bad news for me, though.  I started HRT on October 1st.  I’ve been storm chasing, which is lifelong dream of mine.  So yay, I guess.  Been getting positive support for the former.  It’s felt really nice.