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It was the annual masquerade ball where criminals from all over the world gathered to break bread and show off their fortune from over the year. A scuffle or two wasn’t uncommon at said event but the assurance that no one would be brave enough to take out a hit gave you the upper hand. The game was simple: once you spotted Jaehyun you would give him a thorned red rose and your men would know that he was their target.  

The ride to the venue was filled with dizzying conversation, filled with numbers and names you couldn’t grasp at the current moment. You needed all to go as planned and then, and only then would you run through the numbers and names that were dropped. The vehicle stopped abruptly and outside your window you watched as heavily armed guards stood watch at the foot of the stairs and at the armored doors.

Stepping out of the car you glance back into your vehicle giving your second hand the confirmation that the plan was a go ahead. You knew the first rule of these events were no guns other than the armed help, so you created a diversion. One that included letting your second crash your car, a minor crash but one that made the guards leave their post and deescalate the situation. The last thing anyone would need is a bunch of criminals showing their ass in the street, anyone other than you-which is exactly what you were betting on. Sending a thankful nod to your second, you hurriedly made your way into the venue alongside your two “bodyguards”. Bodyguards as in the only men you’d trust to have a gun behind your back, you can never be too sure where loyalties lie with criminals- they’re criminals after all. Entering into the great hall you signaled for them to each take a side of house, a side where you were still visible but not obviously being watched. 

The walk to the bar consisted of checking your six every time you noticed a glance that didn’t meet your eyes and looked beyond you. You had scanned every person you passed and the persons they spoke with but Jaehyun was not among the crowd. Ordering a martini at the bar, you watched silently at the people who came and went, noting the number of enemies who passed you that would’ve killed you if this encounter had been on the streets. In the distance you hear exclamations of “Its been so long!” “This guy!” But your view was obscured by the ever growing crowd.

Before long you spotted the subject of outburst. Had it not been for his jewel adorned suit you may have never spotted him, the light that caught his suit made him standout like a sore thumb. You stared from above the rim of your martini glass, a slight nod sent from Jaehyun who raised his glass slightly at you, a movement you mirrored. There was a glint in his eyes that anyone outside the crime syndicate would mistake for lust but you knew better. Jaehyun was smart but he wasn’t a risk taker, you were the opposite.

Slowly making his way across the floor Jaehyun stood in front of you, lowering his mask as he did so.

“I thought this wasn’t your scene.” Jaehyun said with a smile feigning innocence.

“Things change.” You responded curtly. The faster you got the job done the sooner you’d be out of here. 

Jaehyun was right, you hated these events and did everything in your power to avoid them. Had you not caught wind of Jaehyun sneaking around through a snitch here and there, you would not have been at this event. Truthfully, if a few people didn’t have outstanding debts with your crew you may have ben oblivious to Jaehyun’s entire plan until it was too late. Typically you only allowed debts paid off in cash or with someones life but with word of someone attempting to take out your crew and everything you’ve built, you were accepting of a new agreement. 

“A dance?” Jaehyun’s voice was low as he stared at you from above his mask. The way an older person stares over their glasses to glare at something intently no matter the proximity. Taking his hand in yours, he lead you both to the center of the floor.

The dance was quiet and calm, as you’d expect at a ball, with the exception of being surrounded by criminals and accompanied by the man you were seconds away from murdering.

Feeling a poke at your lower back you reach around to grab a thorned rose. A look of realization overtook you and you quickly turned to face Jaehyun. Following suit, Jaehyun held your rose in his hand except his features were of entertainment, checkmate. 

Your guards descended the stairs making their way towards him as his guards did the same. The music began again and the crowd proceded to dance on and as you watched dancers prance around the floor you catch one last glance before he is lost in the crowd.

A grin painted his face as you lost him to the crowd, the real game had now begun and oh had things changed, more than you could imagine.

“Jaehyun… I am not having this conversation with you tonight.” Letting out a defeated sigh, Jaehyun let go of your arm. You stalled for a moment watching as tears began to well up in his eye and though tempting- you genuinely could not stay.

“But why? We can have every other conversation but when it comes to me caring about you and how I feel, all of a sudden it's a ‘no zone’ subject?” As Jaehyun began his rant another call came to your phone from your superior followed by a heavily worded text telling you to meet him immediately. 

You knew Jaehyun would never drop this argument and as you both were having it for the umpteenth time his words entered one ear and out the other. 

“I don’t know how else to say that we can’t-“ Jaehyun abruptly cut you off, startling you as his voice rose in volume. “No! You won’t, there’s a difference” he began to yell before his voice dropped lowly to a whisper “is it too much to ask for? To just care for me, for one moment?”

“Care for you for  ‘one moment’? I care about you so much, all I’m asking for is some time!” You were becoming visibly angry but Jaehyun could care less.  

"It's now or never.” His statement shocked you and for a second you couldn’t believe the words coming from his mouth.

“Are you giving me an ultimatum right now?” Scoffing as Jaehyun looked at you blankly confirming your question.

“When you understand that our feelings for each other mean shit to our friends and that this relationship has both of our asses on the line then you can give me an ultimatum.” Pointing your finger between to the two of you-you continued “this, us, Its not a smack on the wrist…if anyone finds out about us we’re dead.” 

With one more scoff and a roll of your eyes you made your way out of Jaehyun’s apartment and to meet the superior who had been searching for you for hours. You’d have to make up a good story to get out of this mess, one that specifically didn’t include being in bed with a member of a rival gang.

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It had been a week since you last saw or spoke to Jaehyun following the argument. He had not reached out to you and nor you to him and for your sake you were grateful. You had barely convinced your superior that your phone had died the day his many calls went ignored and god forbid Jaehyun attempted to contact you while suspicion was still lingering. The heavens had to have been working in your favor- no contact from Jaehyun and no run in between your gang or his, things were calm. 

Perhaps you spoke too soon as out of the corner of your eye you could see a shag of brown hair entering the bar you currently sat at. Jaehyun hadn’t met your eyes yet and this was your chance to leave without any conversation. Grabbing your stuff you headed to the door, passing him and his friends with ease and reaching for the handle.

“I swear you look like this girl I know.” A familiar voice whispered in your ear and goosebumps crawled up your skin.

“No, I think you have the wrong person- have a nice night.” You turned around smiling up at Jaehyun, sending him a wink as you backed out of the door. The both of you were playing a dangerous game, being this friendly in public and though far from both gang’s territory- you never know what prying eyes are around.

You knew Jaehyun and you knew that as you turned the corner into the alley he was hot on your heels, telling his friends he ‘forgot something in the car’.

“My pretty girl.” He said smiling down as he trapped you between himself and the cold brick wall of the bar. 

“Hmmm Jaehyun.” You replied causing a frown to appear on his lips that quickly lifted to a smirk as he saw you slightly smile at his expression. Tilting your head higher by your chin, Jaehyun pressed a soft kiss to your lips: testing the waters. When you didn’t pull away he deepened the kiss, grasping at your hips and whatever he could get his hands on. He was desperate. 

“Whoa calm down there Mr. I forgot something in the car.” Letting out a soft laugh as you pulled away, slightly glancing around to make sure no one saw your brief kiss. 

“I miss you.” Jaehyun mumbled in your neck, kissing his way to your collarbones. Any anger you harbored from that night was gone, all you wanted now was Jaehyun. Your mind was foggy and you knew if you didn’t stop yourself soon things could lead to a real problem. Problems like Jaehyun’s friend seeing him in the alley with a girl he should want dead. 

“We can’t do this here, this is a set up for a disaster- I’ll text you later tonight…yeah?” Leaving Jaehyun with one last kiss you straightened yourself out and headed to your car, grateful that there wasn’t a soul outside during your rendezvous. 

“I can never seem to get enough of you.”  Jaehyun whispered under his breath and he meant it. You were everything to him and he would always come back to you, he was yours. Jaehyun came over that night and you finished what was started in the alley- needless to say he got you to stay the night.

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Things had been rather calm between both gangs over the last few weeks. That didn’t mean much for yourself and Jaehyun as you continued to sneak around behind everyone’s back.

Every so often Jaehyun would propose the idea of just telling everyone and hoping for a ceasefire-very naive of him but his proposal to run away together peaked your interest. With that, you made a promise: in a few months you both would run away together but first you had to get all your ducks in a row. “A promise to never leave each other’s side”

A few nights later, Jaehyun mentioned heading out to the club with a few of his crew members but his words completely slipped you as you were planning your own crew outing. Your superior’s birthday was coming up and tonight everyone chose to celebrate. With a chaste kiss to your cheek, Jaehyun was out the door with a statement to return to yours tonight. 

Entering the night club, the loud bass mixed with the alcohol in your system from earlier had your body feeling warm. Yet, a weird feeling began to settle in your stomach-where had Jaehyun said he was going tonight? 

With a call of your name your worries were forgotten as everyone began to gather around for shots with the superior. The bar was crowded as your members hollered for another round, edging one another on to get the drunkest. 

The laugh that bubbled in your chest at the joke of a friend soon ceased as your eyes met Jaehyun’s. Immediately, panic began to flood your system, he could not be here.  Jaehyun’s eyes mirrored yours and instantly you began to regret being passive to him earlier. Neither gang had noticed the presence of the other yet- too involved in their doings to pay mind to other patrons. Flickering his eyes between yourself and the door, Jaehyun was silently pleading for you to get his hint and leave. He knew something bad would happen tonight and god forbid that something involved you.

“Y/N.”  As a voice called from behind you-you quickly broke eye contact with Jaehyun to give your attention to your superior. The call of your name was gruff and it sent a gross chill down your spine. The kind that makes your body visibly shiver and grit your teeth in pain. 

“Yes?” Your voice was small, wavering and you were terrified that they’d hear the fear in your voice and that scared you even more.

“You’ve got your gun on you, right?” He whispered lowly looking through you and not necessarily at you. Your heart instantly sank and you swore the room itself had begun to spin. You felt like a deer in headlights at the inquiry and physically unable to answer the posed question. Perhaps your silence was a beat too long or maybe its the way your entire body froze at the question that lead your superior to grab for the gun tucked into your waistband. In seconds, it seemed like shots began to ring out from all corners of the club.  Dropping to your knees you shielded your ears and head from the bullets that whizzed past your being every so often. 

“We’ve got to go!” Someone yelled in your ear, yanking you up by your forearm- It was one of your members. Struggling to your feet, your eyes searched for one person: Jaehyun. 

The music was muffled as it reached your ears and the flashing lights nothing but a blur on the scene that unfolded but a glint of clarity shined down on him. Jaehyun was still, his hands clasped to his torso as crimson seeped through his fingers. Glancing down at himself, Jaehyun stumbled a few paces back before looking back up to you and falling to the ground. Time felt to be moving in slow motion as your knees buckled with the force of you running to him laid on the ground. 

“What have you done?” The break in your voice echoing through the club as both gangs watched on in a mix of confusion and shock. The gun fell from your superior’s hand and a shaky breath racked through his chest. Cops sirens were heard faintly over the music and fear swept through the crowd. Your superior and other members immediately ran over attempting to pull you away from the rattled boy on the floor. 

“No! Please!” You sobbed yanking yourself from their grasp to hold him tighter. Sirens only approached louder and without a choice your gang reluctantly left you behind. Your superior being last to leave as he watched what he had done unfold.

“It won’t stop.” You cried cradling him into your chest, rocking back and forth as if a mother with her child.

“You’re okay. You’re gonna be okay.” Jaehyun was quiet as you mumbled incoherent solace in his ear. His breath was shallow and barely heard over your heart wrenching sobs. The club was empty now, with respect to the two of you and those sheltered in fear.

“I love you.” He whispered weakly into your hair.

“It was never supposed to be this way.” Another sob racked through your chest as you pulled Jaehyun closer to you, he was gone…forever.

The cops were steadily approaching but you’d never leave his side. You promised him. 

You had been tossing and turning for hours since leaving the hospital room and the idea of sleeping seemed impossible no matter how hard you were trying. Just earlier you were washing your hands of Jaehyun and done with his antics but here you were replaying his message in your head.

“I’ll leave for you. I will leave it all for you. J” Why now?

It was more of a question to the universe than for yourself or even Jaehyun. Jaehyun hadn’t seemed to change from the last time you saw him and from where you stood neither had you. It felt as if Jaehyun wanted to start from where you left off without acknowledging the wrong he did; he still didn't see an issue with how you both ended things. You couldn't shake the feeling that you would never mean as much to him as he did to you.

The rapid knocking on your door instantly pulled you from your thoughts. You weren’t expecting guest and the last thing you were in the mood for was a friends’s surprise visit. Begrudgingly you made your way to your front door. Not checking who it was, you yanked the door open to be met with a pair of  familiar brown eyes. 

“You’ve gotta be fucking kidding me” You said exasperatedly, apparently blocking his number wasn’t big enough of a hint. 

Jaehyun stood at your door, chest heaving as if he had ran the entire way to your apartment. You let out a breathy chuckle attempting to close the door in his face.

“Will you please hear me out?” Jaehyun’s voice cracked, he was begging, and if you weren’t so soft when it came to him perhaps you would’ve closed the door as you planned. Reluctantly, you unblocked the door way, ushering for him to continue into your living room. The tension in the room was thick and you swore if one of you didn’t speak soon you’d suffocate.

“I am sorry” he finally said while glancing down at his shoes.

“You can’t look at me and say that?” 

Jaehyun looked up at you with tears brimming his eyes, he hated crying in front of people, hated looking vulnerable and weak. He had never cried in front of you, admittedly you were thrown off guard but you quickly gained composure. Staring at him you waited for him to continue, watching as his hands clenched at his side anxiously.

“I am sorry” The one tear that rolled down his cheek being quickly wiped away.

“If that’s it…” You replied lowly nodding your head over to the door. Truthfully you wanted an apology, it sounds stupid but ‘Im sorry’ and ‘I apologize’ don’t hold the same weight for you. To apologize meant he knew he was wrong and acknowledges that his behavior was unacceptable and is asking for forgiveness, to say sorry felt like appeasement. You weren’t saying his tears were crocodile but that his guilt wasn’t all inclusive. 

“Please don’t do this, Im trying”

“Trying? This is what you call trying? Saying your sorry and dropping a tear- that’s how sorry you are?” You scoffed. Jaehyun took in a deep breath and you could see his him visibly shaking- whatever he was feeling you couldn’t decipher. He was never open with his emotions, either he was: happy or not. What he was feeling now you’d never seen on him before.

“Im sorry for tonight, I let the competition get to my head and wasn’t thinking, Im sorry you had to see that and that I scared you”

There it was: He was sorry for tonight, not sorry that he didn’t have your back a year ago or that he never attempted to contact you in all that time or that he never defended your name, he was sorry for scaring you tonight. 

”You know that’s your problem, you don’t even know what you’re supposed to be sorry for, hell you don’t even know how to be sorry” Jaehyun stared at you blankly, he thought he was doing the right thing and saying what you wanted to hear from him.

“ I bet that’s exactly what you thought I wanted to hear, right? I wanted you to come over and apologize for being a shitty driver and crashing your car and almost dying and we’d kiss and makeup and go up to my room for sex and this would all be the past, right? ” It was your turn for a tear to roll down your cheek but you didn’t wipe it away because you needed Jaehyun to understand that he hurts people. 

“Not that I wanted you to apologize for how you hurt me, no because that was a year ago and I should’ve just gotten over it, right?” There it was, the realization hit Jaehyun’s eyes and it was like all the confusion was absolved.

“You can’t even genuinely apologize to me” Making your way over to your couch you ran your hands through your hair before letting more tears fall into your palms. 

“I didn’t know…” he responded weakly kneeling down in front of you, grabbing your wrist to move your hands from your face.

“You didn’t know?” Nearly yelling you yanked your hands away from him followed by a sarcastic laugh.

“No, no, I didn’t know that how you felt. I thought you were mad at me and that if you wanted me to speak to you-you would reach out. I really didn’t know you cared about the race that much, I promise”

“Do you hear yourself, Jaehyun you cannot be serious. How have you managed to make this my fault?” Now you were angry, not only had Jaehyun failed to give you an apology but he successfully made it your fault.

“I don’t understand how someone could be so heartless, it truly baffles me- I just told you that you hurt me and your response was ‘you should’ve reached out’ I should’ve reached out? Jaehyun you were the problem not me, I didn’t throw my partner under the bus for a title- you did that”

“Fuck, okay!” Jaehyun stood up yelling taking a few steps back from you. 

“You want the truth?” He said rubbing his face as you stood up challenging him.

“I was jealous, and I couldn't accept that you were better than me…no matter how hard I tried you would always be number one, everything I did was selfish and I apologize, I just wanted to win so bad and to be number one that it did not matter who got hurt in the process and you should have never been that option” Jaehyun was finally saying everything you wanted him to say and he didn’t stop the tears that he shed, he continued to let them fall and even when his throat felt tight he kept going.

“I know it's too late to apologize now but I am sorry and I mean it, but in that moment all I could think of was me getting the title, me being the winner, me being the best.” You held Jaehyun’s face in your hands looking in his eyes as you both let tears fall. 

“All I ever wanted was for you to love me , I didn't need you to be the winner, I didn't need you to number one, I just needed to know that you had my back and you didn’t. I was over this, over racing in general, I was ready to give everything up to just be yours… but in the only moment that mattered you didn't choose me”

Jaehyun’s heart visibly shattered at your words, he never realized how much he meant to you. A moment of silenced brushed over you both and the only thing that could be heard was the chatter of the street below.

“I love you” Jaehyun whispered breaking the silence never breaking eye contact but now covering your hands that cradled his face. Glancing down at your lips he leaned in to kiss you and to his relief you didn’t pull away. Relaxing into the kiss you both felt comfortable back in each others embrace. Breaking the kiss you scanned Jaehyun’s face finally giving him a response.

“I could never stop loving you….”

Leaving a soft kiss on his lips you pulled away slowly, your hands never leaving his, completely taking in the boy who stood in front of you with tears stains on his cheeks.

“But I can’t do this” that was how you ended things with Jaehyun. You didn’t ask him to leave as he began to cry harder, instead you just hugged him because in the morning you and Jaehyun were done for good; but for tonight you would hold each other.

It had its name for a reason, 13, the most unlucky number for the most unlucky street. There wasn’t a street in this city that witnessed more accidents. You should’ve known there was catch when the stakes were raised a couple thousand before the address was sent out; at this point you were already $2,000 in the pot and for all you knew 6 figures was up for grabs. 

Glancing at the competition you soon realized this would easily be your race. Sure, the others were fast but they had never done this track and that gave you the extra edge. Truthfully as long as you kept Jaehyun in your rear view you couldn’t even call this race- it was a warm up with other cars.

Yourself and the other racers lined up along the starting line as one of the girls walked between the cars swaying a flag to rile up the crowd.

“Racers!” The crowd erupted in screams at the sound of her voice and the excitement bubbled in your chest. Directly to your left was Jaehyun, looking over at him he shot you a wink and a flirtatious grin. Sticking your middle finger up , he chuckled looking back at the woman who would begin the race any second now. Oh man, you couldn’t wait to beat him.

“On your marks……GO!” Shifting your car into drive, you pressed your gas immediately shooting to first place. You knew Jaehyun was right behind you but you had to focus on the track in front you. Flying through the track was a breeze, this moment would determine the course of the rest of the night.

The last bend. 

You hated this street, hell so did every racer but a race was a race. Everyone knew: “you push your break right at the turn, not a moment before and not a second after”. It took awhile and quite a few racers to master the strategy and you refused to be apart of those few. After the bend it was a straight shot and with no one in front of you this was your race. In your rear view you could see jaehyun and one other car coming up fast, too fast. 

Jaehyun had done this street before, you’d done it together. So why was he pushing his breaks early?

With Jaehyun slowed it gave no time for the racer behind him to switch lanes and you watched as his car swiped Jaehyun’s sending him directly into the median. You felt like you were watching it in slow motion; one of those movie replays except this was real and Jaehyun was in the car not an actor. Your heart nearly stopped and without a seconds thoughts you found yourself jumping out of your car and running over to the boy laying still on the ground. 

His friends got to him first, pulling him out the vehicle and crowding him as if a shield from the public. Trying your hardest you tried to push through to see if he was alright but as the ambulance arrived and the people began to scatter it proved to be impossible. It took hours and you were down to biting your last finger nail but Johnny had finally text you back telling you which hospital and floor you’d find Jaehyun.

Walking in, you were surprised to see him sitting up right as if nothing had happened.

“Not my best race, huh?” Jaehyun laughed lightly in his hospital bed. Fortunately his injuries were minor, a few scratches and a bruised rib but nothing requiring surgery and you were grateful for all the times you pestered him to always wear his seatbelt. Nonetheless, you were angry.

“Are you fucking crazy?” was the last response Jaehyun expected to be coming out of your mouth and it was evident in his face.

“What?

“Are you fucking crazy? You could’ve died tonight and you’re making jokes. Why did you pull your breaks early- the number of times you’ve practiced that turn and you mess it up the one time it matters and you think its funny?” Jaehyun could see you were upset and a large part of him felt bad but he’d never admit that, he couldn’t risk losing his cool factor.

“Aw you were worried about me? Relax, Im fine” the shit eating grin did nothing but push your nerves and you were tired of letting his antics slip by with no repercussions. 

“You won’t be satisfied until you die out here, you’re fucking selfish and you are an entitled asshole” You didn’t mean for this to turn into everything wrong with Jeong Jaehyun but here you were.

“You push and push and push with no regard to anyone else. Do you ever stop to think that there are other people other than yourself ?” It hurt for you to be honest with jaehyun and you knew it hurt him more to hear it but he was a grown man. You didn’t have to baby him in an effort to save face and keep up appearance, he needed to face the music and take responsibility. You didn’t give him the chance to respond, if Jaehyun wanted to get himself killed you would have to let him. You’ve spent years keeping up with him, racing the most dangerous streets, losing friends in the process and almost yourself but this was the end. Leaving the hospital you were finally ready to wash your hands of Jaehyun- you still had love for him but love is only one sided if the other person is willing to hurt you.

That night your phone went off, it was a message from an unidentified number and had your curiosity not been peaked you may have deleted it before opening. 

“I’ll leave for you. I will leave it all for you. J”

You wanted to respond and tell him that you didn’t care anymore, that it was too late for him to change but in all honesty he didn’t deserve that. So instead you deleted the message and blocked the number. 

You were done, with Jaehyun, with racing, with this city.

Or were you….

The tear stained piece of paper sat atop his bedside table. He hadn’t awoken yet and you were silently grateful for this small gesture. You couldn’t face him, not because you were scared or ashamed but rather you were anxious of what he might do. 

Would he toss the paper aside before reading it? Would he break down in tears as he read the words that sprawled the paper? Would he miss the paper completely like he did so many nights with the Advil you left after his drunk binge?

So many ‘would he’s’ and not one you were ready to stomach. You couldn’t continue to pull the one thing that you cared about down with you. How does the cliche phrase go ‘if you love something let it go’? But Yuta was too good to let go; he made you feel good, like you were a good person and that you did matter, he made you feel like your mistakes were nothing but a smudge on a painting that continues to be unfinished and yet with everything you did you could never make him feel the same. You were selfish and you knew that but for whatever reason he could only see the good in you.

He didn’t see the girl who complained about the smallest things, the girl who threw a temper tantrum at the slightest “no” when she wanted a “yes”, the girl who used men as satisfactory objects because its “better to hurt than be hurt”. No, he saw the girl who nagged about his sleeves being wet because he forgot to roll them up while he washed the dishes, and the girl who cried because she wanted to treat him to a fancy dinner but the waiter had no tables and the girl who blushed at the slightest indication of affection. He saw who she was when the people weren’t watching and she didn’t have to be somebody.  

As memories of  the last few months danced behind your eyes, you let a few tears fall, this was it. Looking at the sleeping man on the bad you forced a sad smile and closed the door behind yourself. 

Yuta woke up moments later, hearing the lock latch on his door he expected to see you sitting idly on his couch as he did almost every morning. But today was different, he heard the lock latch-that he knew for sure but his home was empty, quiet, still. 

Like you assumed, his eyes darted right over the note you left with “Forever and Always My Love, Nakamoto Yuta” scribbled on the front. Making his way to the front door Yuta noticed nothing out of the sort-his shoes were still neatly lined up and not a new coat on the rack; so maybe his ears were playing tricks on him. Turning back to his bed, he saw it. 

Not that he was alarmed but more curious as to what this new item that adorned his bedside table was and the closer he got the sooner he figured it out.

Sitting on the edge of the bed he began to unfold the paper, heart thundering against his chest as he noticed the tears and smudged ink.

“I don’t know how to start this…” Yuta read it in your voice and perhaps that was what made it hurt more. “First and foremost, I want to say I’m sorry” Yuta could stop reading right now and pretend nothing was wrong. He could call your phone as if everything was fine, as he’s done many times before, but something tells him you wouldn’t pick up and that this was serious. 

“I’m sorry that I wasn’t enough and I’m sorry that I can never make you as happy as you deserve, and no matter how bad I don’t wanna use the cliche it truly isn’t you and it is entirely me…and writing this letter has to be the hardest thing I have ever done because I owe you the truth and to be genuine for once. That night, I had never expected to meet anyone as wonderful and to fall for you so fast and it scares me to be honest with you because the last thing I would ever want to do is hurt you…” Yuta stopped again, glancing out the window and back to the letter momentarily, his life seemed to stand still and yet the world was still rushing around him.

“The girl you met that night is who I am and I don’t know how you see so much more in me than I ever could and I wish you didn’t. I am a terrible person and I expected nothing from you but fun; and the longer I stay and watch you dive into this, into us, it scares me because I can’t be the person you deserve. Everyone has their own demons and closets they hide in but I am not prepared to step out of mine. For everything you gave me I hope it is returned to you ten fold, I hope from here on you know nothing but happiness and with everything in me, I beg you don’t forgive me…forever and always.”

Yuta let out a sad chuckle, he didn’t have the energy to be angry with you, he barely had the energy to get past the first line but nevertheless he did and a part of him wished he hadn’t. What solace was this letter expected to bring him? 

Yuta wasn’t oblivious and he knew that after the argument the previous night your relationship had come to a head but was a letter all he was worth? Had the months you spent together been nothing more than a page and a half worth of a letter? 

The night came like the morning- routinely and without consolation. A few days went by like this, where Yuta would sit and wonder where exactly he went wrong. At what point could you no longer return, at what point did he make the fatal mistake that landed him in this position. 

His eyes were raw and cheeks stained from nights of crying and outburst of anger. 

And one day it stopped, the tears-not the pain, that he could learn to live with. He didn’t want to be sad anymore, he didn’t want to blame himself for the things he couldn’t change when he knew you weren’t doing the same. He now understood why people begged for the pain to stop, why people considered love their biggest mistake, he understood it all and he hated that it was at the hands of you. He could never hate you though, no matter how much pain you brought him and how hard you had made his life, he would always love you. 

Yuta had to forgive himself and so he did. He told himself that he did everything he could and if you could not love him for that then it was your problem. 

Five. Five months is all it took for Yuta to fall in love and have his heartbroken but believe it or not he wouldn’t change a thing. He would never risk the chance of having never met you because you did make him happy and he often found himself grateful for every moment you both shared even up to the day you left him with a shitty letter and weeks worth of tears.

Yuta was happy and he hoped wherever you were-you were too.