Nirvana Fence

I deeply value meaningful relationships. I always try to learn, understand, and care for the people around me as best as I can.

I'd like to talk about one of my closest friendships. It didn't end well. I was unfriended, talked about behind my back, and eventually given an identity that reflected the worst parts of me. But before I talk about the pain, I want to remember the good.

They were someone I loved talking to and working on projects with. In my eyes, they were talented, kind, and understanding. We shared countless conversations about happiness, sadness, and the little things in life. I was always excited to talk to them.

I have limitations when it comes to language. English is not my native language, and I've often worried that my tone or wording might accidentally hurt someone. Yet with them, that fear felt smaller than my excitement to keep talking. They rarely corrected me, so I never fully knew where I might have fallen short beyond what I could recognize myself.

I genuinely admired their ambitions and dreams. I wanted to support them however I could, though my own financial situation, responsibilities, and personal limitations often prevented me from doing more. In the end, small things—like sharing VGen codes and offering encouragement—were what I could give.

When they shared their joys and sorrows, I wanted to celebrate and grieve alongside them. I wanted to be there as a friend, using whatever experiences and lessons life had given me.

I'd be lying if I said I never noticed their flaws. I did. But I also believed that people are shaped by their experiences, and I never wanted to blame them for that. The only thing I could do was encourage them to take better care of themselves and to stand up for themselves when they needed to.

If they were angry or heartbroken, I wanted to be there. If they needed company, I would stay. If they needed a hug, I would offer one. If they needed someone to listen, I would listen.

To me, they were someone I trusted enough to know what was happening in my life. I could share my joys, my struggles, random thoughts, frustrations, and everything in between.

But there is another side to this story.

I remember when they ended a friendship with someone else. I often encouraged them to communicate their concerns and explain what was bothering them. Even if they eventually chose to walk away, I thought it was important that they gave the other person a chance to understand.

One thing I truly respected was that they never wished ill upon those friends. They hoped for the best for them, and I admired that kindness.

Yet when our friendship ended, things unfolded differently.

They chose to leave without telling me how much pain and resentment they had been carrying. Eventually, they spoke about my worst qualities and labeled me as a terrible person to my partner, as though I were someone beyond growth or redemption.

That was the part that hurt me the most.

At first, I couldn't stop asking myself why.

Later, I learned that they had been holding onto many frustrations and painful feelings for a long time.

I was both amazed and saddened by their ability to carry so much in silence before walking away.

I was disappointed because, if I were in their place, I would have tried to communicate. I would have said that I was tired, overwhelmed, uncomfortable, or that I needed some distance. I do the same in my own relationships. When I'm struggling, I try to let people know that I need space or time for myself.

I chose to speak.

They chose silence.

In the beginning, the pain was overwhelming. I felt betrayed. I blamed myself almost every day and questioned everything. I even wondered if I should return to therapy. I've been living with Borderline Personality Disorder since 2021, and I was afraid this experience would make everything worse.

I also want to acknowledge something that happened in the aftermath of our friendship ending.

At first, I found myself reaching out to a few mutual friends, trying to understand what had happened. I asked questions, reflected on past conversations, and tried to determine whether I had truly done the things that had eventually led to the end of our friendship.

I was looking for the truth.

I wanted to know if there were things I had failed to notice, whether I had unknowingly hurt someone who meant so much to me, and where I had gone wrong.

I understand that my actions may have looked different from the outside. Some people may have thought that I was seeking validation, gathering support, or trying to justify myself.

I can understand why they might have seen it that way.

But that was never my intention.

I wasn't looking for someone to tell me that I was right or that I had done nothing wrong. I was simply confused and deeply hurt. I was trying to understand how a friendship that had meant so much to me could end in a way I never expected.

I wanted to know if there was something I had overlooked. I wanted to learn from my mistakes, not run away from them.

To be honest, it hurt when my attempt to understand was seen as an attempt to justify myself. It felt as though, even after our friendship had ended, my intentions were still being interpreted in the worst possible light.

But as time passed, I learned to accept that everyone carries their own version of the same story. Just as I was trying to understand my perspective, they had their own perspective and their own reasons for seeing things the way they did.

Eventually, I stopped searching for answers from other people.

I accepted that not every question would have a satisfying answer. Not every misunderstanding could be resolved. And not everyone who was once close to us would understand the intentions behind our actions.

Then, slowly, I came to accept several truths.

I accepted that I had hurt them, whether I realized it or not.

I accepted that they chose not to tell me.

I accepted that language barriers and misunderstandings played a part in our story.

I accepted that they chose to hurt me in return.

I accepted that perhaps I was the one who saw our friendship as something closer than it really was.

I accepted that kindness and closeness can fade with time.

And I accepted that maybe this friendship had to end the way it did for me to grow.

One thing I'm certain of is that I sent them one final message: thank you, I'm sorry, and goodbye.

Thank you for bringing color into my life, teaching me about friendship, and sharing a part of your journey with me.

I'm sorry for my shortcomings, my mistakes, and any discomfort I may have caused.

And goodbye—for now. I believe that one day, we will meet again before God, where every person will answer for their own actions.

From the very beginning, I knew I would never try to rebuild this friendship. I know they hate me and have said that knowing me was a terrible experience. I cannot change the way they see me, and I no longer wish to handle that.

The only thing I can do is keep moving forward.

I am no longer searching for validation or justification.

I'm simply trying to live with more honesty, more wisdom, and greater responsibility than the person I was before.

Today, I choose to see this experience differently.

rasa ga aman dan bingung soal hubungan, pertemanan, sama diri sendiri. Rasanya campur aduk banget sampai badan ikut ga nyaman kalau bahas orang itu. Aku ngerti sisi dia, sisi aku, bahkan sisi doi juga, makanya makin capek karena pikiranku bercabang terus.

Aku sensitif karena doi sekarang temenan baik sama temen aku dan masuk circle kecilnya. Dulu waktu aku cerita ke temen, temen aku bilang doi toxic. Sekarang pas hubungan aku sama temen itu rusak, malah aku yang dibilang toxic. Rasanya kayak diputer balik dan bikin aku ngerasa gak aman.

Aku sempet nanya ke doi soal gimana kalau aku sewot. Kata doi wajar aja asal jangan sampai dia ikut kena karena masalah utamanya kan bukan sama dia. Aku ngerti maksud doi sebenarnya nenangin dan jadi perantara, bukan sepenuhnya “membela”. Tapi di kepalaku, meluruskan itu beda sama membela. Jadi waktu doi bilang dia ngebela temen aku, aku marah. Karena menurut aku gak ada yang harus dibela atau disalahin di sini.

Yang masih bikin sedih, waktu masalah itu muncul, temen aku malah langsung cut off aku dan jelekin aku sama hubunganku sama Toru. Padahal aku jaga jarak bukan karena benci, tapi karena aku sadar aku lagi capek, lagi gak sehat, dan takut jadi nyakitin orang. Aku bahkan selalu bilang ke dia buat jangan dipendem semuanya, jangan cuma sabar terus tanpa ngomong. Kalau ada rasa gak nyaman ya komunikasikan supaya sama-sama ngerti. Tapi sekarang aku malah digituin balik.

Aku masih pengen ngomong baik-baik sama dia. Gak ada niat jelekin dia dalam hati aku. Tapi aku juga gak berharap baikan lagi, karena dia sendiri udah gak mau dan udah unfriended aku di mana-mana. Bahkan bilang kalau baikan sama aku itu terrible. Sakit sih dengernya.

Aku juga kepikiran soal dibilang selfish karena lebih mentingin pendapat dan kebenaran diri sendiri. Tapi bukannya semua orang memang harus punya pegangan diri ya? Kalau semuanya selalu ngikut pendapat orang lain, lama-lama kehilangan diri sendiri juga. Insight orang lain penting, tapi keputusan akhir tetap balik ke diri sendiri.

Di kerjaan ada SOP, guideline, negosiasi, adaptasi supaya bisa align. Tapi di pertemanan, yang dibutuhin itu pengertian, toleransi, sadar diri, dan komunikasi. Semuanya juga ada batasnya.

Aku bersyukur hubunganku sama doi masih baik. Doi selalu ngingetin kalau yang menentukan hubungan kami lanjut atau nggak ya kami sendiri, bukan orang lain. Doi pengen aku percaya kalau faktor luar gak seharusnya jadi penentu hubungan kami.

On Friendship, Resentment, and the Things Left Unsaid

There’s a strange kind of grief that comes from realizing someone has hated parts of you for a very long time without ever fully telling you.

Not a sudden argument. Not one explosive moment. But accumulated disappointment. Silent resentment. Small wounds stacked quietly until the relationship collapses under the weight of things you never even realized were there.

And honestly, I’m angry about it.

I’m angry that I was left trying to understand a version of myself that had apparently been discussed, judged, and emotionally processed somewhere behind my back while I was still acting like things were normal.

I’m angry that instead of direct communication, there were hints, silence, distance, and eventually involvement in parts of my life that should have stayed separate from our friendship.

If you wanted to leave me, then leave me. But don’t quietly bring my relationship, my vulnerabilities, and my personal life into the fallout as if everything became supporting evidence for why I was a bad person.

That hurt me deeply.

And yes, a part of me wants to blame you for that.

A part of me wants to say that good friends don’t stay silent while resentment grows. Good friends don’t tolerate things they hate for months or years and then disappear while carrying a hidden narrative about you. Good friends communicate. Or at least try to.

But if I’m being fair to reality, I also know human relationships are not black and white.

You are not purely wrong. And I am not purely innocent.

I know I’ve hurt people without realizing it. I know there were moments where I lacked sensitivity, awareness, or emotional understanding. Maybe the way I responded to grief. Maybe the way I joked. Maybe the way I carried my own pain too loudly without noticing yours underneath it.

And maybe you did try to communicate in your own way. Maybe those indirect signals and emotional withdrawals were communication to you.

But the truth is: I don’t understand love, friendship, or pain through silence.

I need honesty that is spoken clearly.

I cannot read hidden disappointment. I cannot magically understand someone’s emotional limits if they are never directly expressed to me. That doesn’t make you evil, and it doesn’t make me evil either. It just means we were fundamentally mismatched in the way we handled hurt.

I think one of the hardest things to accept is that growth itself is not linear.

People love to divide others into categories: healed or toxic, mature or immature, changed or unchanged.

But humans don’t work like that.

Growth moves forward, backward, sideways. Sometimes someone becomes softer in one area while becoming colder in another. Sometimes surviving something makes someone kinder. Sometimes it makes them harder to love.

And I think both of us were still growing in ways we didn’t fully understand.

I never claimed to be perfectly mature. I never claimed to be fully healed or emotionally healthy. And I don’t see you that way either.

We were just two people trying to exist beside each other while carrying different wounds, different communication styles, different emotional needs, and different expectations for what friendship was supposed to be.

Maybe that’s all this really was.

Not betrayal. Not pure malice. Just incompatibility stretched too long until it became resentment.

Still, I won’t pretend I’m leaving this without bitterness.

Because I am bitter.

I’m bitter that I wasn’t trusted enough to be spoken to honestly. Bitter that I had to learn your pain after the friendship was already dying. Bitter that some part of me still feels misunderstood and quietly villainized in ways I never had the chance to respond to.

But I also know bitterness alone cannot become the final lesson.

Because if there’s anything I learned from this, it’s that relationships cannot survive on assumptions, emotional endurance, and silence.

People are not mind readers.

And love — even platonic love — cannot grow properly in places where honesty is constantly delayed.

Maybe we both tried in our own ways. Maybe neither of us truly knew how to handle each other. Maybe some people are only meant to meet for one chapter of life, not the whole story.

I still carry disappointment. I still carry anger. But I also carry understanding now.

I avoid interacting with people whom others consider good. I don't care whatever the reason is because, in fact, it's the good people who can hurt you in the most bitter and hardest way.

Whether someone is good or not is for you to decide for yourself. That's why I'll never say forever from now on for a fact that Person A is good or Person B is bad. I'll put it clearly the timeline behaviour if someone ask me about a person: "Person A has been good to me throughout our interactions so far," or "Person B has been good to me, though they've annoyed me once or twice."

I won't force myself to always be nice and appear friendly to people who may have known me for a long time. Despite the effects of Borderline PD, I'm acutely aware that I can be mean to others, and I can feel alienated from people I'm usually close to. It's not something i can avoid, it's a fact.

Even though others say we can control ourselves, we must be able to balance our responses; otherwise, we can respond as best as possible, even if it's minimal.

NO.

We're just managing it, and it won't last forever unless we choose to stay that way forever. But that would be a ticking time bomb in itself. It's better not to force ourselves, it's better to be more expressive, regardless of what others think.

hari ini emosiku lagi gak karuan, karena aku kelelahan dari senin sampai jumat kerja, terus ada additional kerja lagi di hari sabtu dan minggu. aku punya harapan karena aku sedang berkehidupan berdua sama pasanganku, pasanganku mau mencoba inisiatif meringankan sedikit aktivitasku salah satunya ya misal menyiapkan makanan.

hari ini aku cukup gondok karena ada tetangga yang nyimpen motor dan mindahin sepedaku. lucu banget, nanti ketika aku disalahkan karena nyimpen sepeda dimana aja, gak akan ada yang menjamin akan membela aku. bahkan pasanganku sendiri.

aku sangat suka kerja karena bisa dapet uang lebih, itu adalah harapan agar kita di bulan depan gak khawatir gak punya duit. jadi aku sangat mengerti konsekuensi rasa capeknya itu.

aku sangat gondok, akhirnya aku coba bahas ke pasangan aku. tp pasanganku menyalahkanku padahal aku ga menyalahkan pasangan aku. aku hanya yapping aku capek. aku cuma butuh respon disayang aja, dibantu urus beberapa hal. aku harap dia ga keberatan tapi karna dia planningnya pengen santai, jadi aku rasa aku memang gabisa bergantung sama dia sama sekali.

Akhir akhir ini aku sering over evaluasi tentang hubunganku yang kandas terakhir.

Aku menganggap bahwa hubungan circleku baik-baik saja sampai ada di mana aku mulai sadar bahwa aku terlalu beradaptasi dan lupa bahwa aku juga ingin diingat dan dihadirkan secara yang aku mau.

Pertemananku sangat rapuh, serapuh itu ternyata. Aku sangat nggak berani lagi untuk menjaga pertemanan dengan orang yang aku izinkan masuk ke ranah privasiku.

Orang yang nggak sadar dan masih bertanya apa yang menyebabkan hubungan kami retak, orang yang sangat nggak pantas untuk aku sebut teman dan hadir di ranah privasiku.

Orang yang datang, cerita ketika sedang kepepet, orang yang hadir sekedar untuk menikmati, orang yang hadir karena disuruh hadir bukan karena dia benar benar ingin tahu tentangku, orang yang hadir karena diajak, orang yang tidak inisiatif dan mungkin harus aku duluan yang memulai, aku nggak bisa.

Aku tetap menganggap kebaikan dia baik kok, hanya saja perlakuan dia yang terakhir membuat aku sadar ternyata.. aku diabaikan dan dianggap menyerang personal dia. Padahal, bukan untuk menyerang, tapi untuk introspeksi bersama. Ini cara aku, aku sendiri gak mau mengubah cara aku karna ini sudah sering aku perbincangkan berkali kali hingga aku muakk.

Dan saat cerita pun, aku nggak mau mendengar sesuatu aku yang harus mengalah, aku yang harus mengerti, aku yang seperti seakan yang jahat karena aku sendiri tidak menilai orang lain jahat, bahkan ketika perlakuan mereka ke aku nggak aku terima.

Setelah denger dari salah satu influencer, aku denger ada viewernya bilang dia dimanfaatin, dia langsung menolak dan bilang "orangnya aja yang kurang menghargai"

Dari situ ada perbedaan, bener. Aku lebih seneng menganggap orangnya aja yang kurang menghargai. Soalnya kalau bilang aku dimanfaatin tuh jahat banget.

Berbaikan? Aku rasa perasaanku tuh masih buruk. Aku juga gak mau mendengar pembelaan sama sekali. Pasanganku juga udah semuak itu dan aku gabisa ngapa-ngapain lagi.

Yang baik itu cuma pasangan dari orang itu. Ya, dia yang terlalu baik bukan orang itu.

Hari ini aku berulang tahun.

What is the limit of a bond? I always wonder where the dividing line lies between sincere friendship and mere fleeting acquaintance. They say true friendship is freedom without demands, a comfortable space without the need for labels. Yet, another voice whispers that commitment the willingness to strive together, to prioritize is the foundation that makes a relationship worthwhile.

As time passes, I encounter the painful truth that my desire for firmer commitment is precisely why those friendships fall apart. Every time I try to bring the relationship to a deeper level demanding complete honesty, absolute loyalty, or a promise of presence all I meet is withdrawal and outright rejection. I realize that the people around me only want to stay in a safe zone, where the relationship is cheap and easy, without the need for serious emotional investment. The pain of this rejection often hurts more than the separation itself, leaving me suffocated in the question: is it wrong to want seriousness in a bond?

When I try to explain the importance of keeping one's word, or take the initiative to set up a regular schedule as a sign of priority, what I receive is the stigma of being demanding and possessive. They call it "too intense," considering my need for a strong bond an avoidable burden. On the other hand, every time I step back and try to give space, the friendship seems to simply evaporate without a trace, confirming that I was the only one fighting for it.

I am brave enough to be vocal and openly defend our relationship to outsiders, assuring myself that my effort will demonstrate the value of this friendship. However, when it is their turn, they choose to preserve personal comfort rather than face temporary discomfort for the sake of commitment. They prefer to let the friendship fade, rather than take a small step to solidify a promise. They are not running from me, they are running from the demands of the bond that I propose.

What is friendship? I have never truly understood what good friendship and companionship are like, what they look like, and how they feel. People always say that it is sincere, warm, and provides comfort. On the other hand, some say that it is so abstract that only each soul can see it.

As the days go by, I realize that I find it difficult to maintain friendships or companionships. Every time I try, all the prejudices and excessive judgments stab me from the front and back. I also realize that the people around me live side by side but do not contribute much to me.

I greatly appreciate the kindness that comes my way, but on the other hand, that kindness often hurts me. Every time I remember it, I feel suffocated and ask, what kind of friendship is this?

When I try to take the initiative to celebrate and invite other friends, what I receive is a reprimand for not forcing them to join the celebration because they feel financially unable. On the other hand, every time I express gratitude, it seems to be fleeting, as if everything will fade away.

I defend friendship and companionship so fiercely; I am willing to be blamed and become a shield for them. But what about them? Many of them can only support me from afar and do not budge to defend me in front of their relatives who consider me bad and a negative influence on them. Meanwhile, I have given them as much support as I can, but they prefer to follow the negative opinions they have created alone.

I have never had a good experience in relationships with the opposite sex. One left me with wounds where I felt constrained and wanted to control, while another left me with the pain of not being a priority in the relationship.

The relationship I am currently in is difficult for me to describe. I carry burdensome wounds, and he carries burdens that are equally suffocating.

We are not that special; in fact, we are seen as fools by those who hear the series of conflicts we have experienced. However, I do not want to let go of him right now, and I hope he does not give up on me or let go of me.

I am very afraid of love, yet I long for a love that no longer leaves wounds but instead heals. However, as time goes on, in the relationship I have woven with someone so special to me, I realize that...

We cannot heal the wounds we have. They will always be present and will heal as we face the same conflicts repeatedly.

I have stopped demanding from him, but I have started to demand from us. I want the relationship we have woven over the past five years to grow into a more beautiful flower, to become a sprout that will turn into a stronger tree.

Saat aku masih awal-awal melakukan stream, aku tidak familiar dengan OBS dan tidak begitu paham cara menggunakan OBS. Aku mencari tutorial di YouTube, semuanya memang berguna namun begitu terpisah-pisah. Lalu, temanku juga memiliki pengalaman yang sama hingga sekarang, yaitu gaptek pake OBS (¬_¬") Sehingga aku berencana membagikan hasil ngulik OBS ku selama ini! Sebelum lanjut, jangan lupa untuk follow blog ini dan jika berkenan kamu bisa mengirimkan sedikit dukungan materi melalui : https://trakteer.id/pbangfamili

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Sejak bulan November hingga bulan Juni, aku bekerja sebagai Data Annotator. Pengalaman bekerja yang paling mudah dan simple yang pernah aku lakukan dan tidak pernah aku bayangkan sebelumnya ada. Sebelum lanjut, jangan lupa untuk follow blog ini dan jika berkenan kamu bisa mengirimkan sedikit dukungan materi melalui : https://trakteer.id/pbangfamili

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Selamat Idul Adha! Tahun 2025, sudah kurang lebih 3 tahun aku hidup sebagai anak kos nomaden bersama partner aku. Sekarang lingkungan kos aku cukup jauh dari pasar, tempat jual beli sehingga makanan yang bisa aku buat terbatas dan bikin aku bingung mau masak apa (っ- ‸ - ς) 12 Juni 2025, aku masih punya sisa daging kurban kurang lebih 1/2 kilo kali ya dan aku ngide buat nyoba bikin Meat Curry pake daging kurban dan mau simpen catatannya disini. Sebelum lanjut, jangan lupa untuk follow blog ini dan jika berkenan kamu bisa mengirimkan sedikit dukungan materi melalui : https://trakteer.id/pbangfamili ₊˚ ✧ ━━━━⊱⋆⊰━━━━ ✧ ₊˚

Aku menulis ini karna aku pengen mengabadikan apa yang aku pelajari dan sebagai refleksi dan introspeksi diri sendiri dan berguna untuk diri aku sendiri, dan jika ternyata tulisan aku bermanfaat aku harap bisa tulisan ini bisa menjadi amal ibadah dan kebaikan buat kita semua. ₍ᐢ. .ᐢ₎ ₊˚⊹♡ Sebelum lanjut, jangan lupa untuk follow blog ini dan jika berkenan kamu bisa mengirimkan sedikit dukungan materi melalui : https://trakteer.id/pbangfamili

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˚₊‧꒰ა ANT RENAMER ໒꒱ ‧₊˚

Sebuah software atau program yang GRATIS, dengan fungsinya untuk memudahkan kita melakukan rename dalam jumlah file dan folder yang banyak hanya dengan menggunakan spesifik setting yang ada pada program. Fiturnya ada banyak, tapi yang bakal aku sharing adalah satu fitur yang disebut Enumeration untuk rename file massal secara berurutan.

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⋆｡˚꒰ঌ Auto-Hotkey V2.0 ໒꒱˚｡⋆

AutoHotkey adalah bahasa skrip open-source yang gratis untuk Windows yang memungkinkan pengguna untuk dengan mudah membuat skrip kecil hingga kompleks untuk semua jenis tugas seperti: pengisi formulir, klik otomatis, makro, dll. (Sumber) Sebelum lanjut, jangan lupa untuk follow blog ini dan jika berkenan kamu bisa mengirimkan sedikit dukungan materi melalui : https://trakteer.id/pbangfamili

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