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Anya is live and ready to show you everything. Watch her strip, dance, and perform exclusive shows just for you. Interact in real-time and make your fantasies come true.
✓ Live Streaming✓ Interactive Chat✓ Private Shows✓ HD Quality✓ Free Actions
Free to watch • No registration required • HD streaming
"It’s tailored. We approached her training for the Eras tour with the mindset like a professional athlete. There was an ‘off-season’ when she wasn't touring and ‘in-season’ when she was. When she’s not touring, we’re in the gym up to six days a week for sometimes two hours a day. The focuses are strength, conditioning, and targeting her core, which is key to help her while singing, dancing, and the like. Taylor trained during the entire tour. We would average two times a week. In-season training was more about maintenance, and so it was more like stability, mobility, biomechanics. [We worked with Amin Javid, DC, an L.A.-based chiropractic physician, to implement recovery techniques]. If you’ve seen the show, you know how intense it is physically. Imagine doing that three, four days in a row and then you finally have a few off days and you’re still showing up to gym. That’s Taylor. [Her time spent in the gym was all strength and conditioning—while Swift did cardio on her own]."
— Dogpound's Kirk Myers to Vogue on training Taylor for the Eras Tour (x)
"This is a list of songs about getting so caught up in the idea of something that you have a hard time seeing the red flags possibly resulting in moments of denial, and maybe a little bit of delusion. Results may vary."
"These songs all have one thing in common: I wrote them while feeling anger. Over the years, I've learned that anger can manifest itself in a lot of different ways, but the healthiest way it can manifest in my life is when I can write a song about it, and often times, that helps me get past it."
"This playlist takes you through the songs that I've written when i was in the bargaining stage, times when you try to make deals with yourself, someone you care about. You're trying to make things better. You're oftentimes feeling really desperate bc often times, we have a sort of gut intuition that tells us things are not going to go the way that we hope, which makes us more desperate, which makes us bargain more."
"We're going to be exploring the feelings of depression that often lace their way through my songs. In times like these, I'll write a song because I feel lonely, or hopeless, and writing a song feels like the only way to process that intensity of an emotion. And while these things are really, really hard to go through, I often feel like when I'm either listening to songs or writing songs that deal with this intensity of loss and hopelessness, usually that's in the phase where I'm close to getting past that feeling."
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"We finally find acceptance, and can start moving forward from loss or heartbreak. These songs represent making room for more good in your life, making that choice, because a lot of times, when we lose things, we gain things too."
“Are you sure?” the red-haired woman looks at the blonde in front of her, who clearly struggles to take off her sandals. It’s silent in the room, two security guards waiting in the door frame for her. Tree can see clearly how Taylor's hands are shaking, almost like a tremor that has been brewing inside of her for a few hours. She’s fiddling with the buckle of her Gucci heels. Truth is, she’d prefer for Taylor to spend her evening in company of her father and herself over a nice dinner in her suite. Besides the many phone calls Tree has to make, she still cares about Taylor’s well-being first and foremost. And by the sight of it, she absolutely is not well. But knowing the blonde stubborn woman as well as she does, Tree could already tell by the minute they left the venue that Taylor is once again in a rather self-isolating mood.
“Do you need anything?” she asks then, still watching the long blonde sitting on the couch of her hotel suite, knowing very well that she didn’t get an answer to her last question.
“Do you have water? Let me know if you need anything else. Dinner will be served as soon as you…”
“I told you, I’m not hungry.” Taylor responds then in a tone that tells Tree everything she needs to know. One more push and Taylor might actually loose her temper. She sighs.
“Alright. Call if you need anything. Alex is on call next door. These guys will be just outside your hotel room door for safety.” She says and points to the men right behind her. She looks at Taylor one last time, who is still sitting on the hotel couch, obviously exhausted and down. She doesn’t want to push her any further, but she can’t contain a last “get some rest, Tay. I know this was a rough few days but you’re doing great.”
Taylor doesn’t reply, once more, and Tree gets the message. She gives the three men next to her a look, signaling them to ensure that her door is secured at all times. Tree then leaves the presidential suite, and the big door falls into the lock.
And suddenly, Taylor's alone. Completely alone.
She takes a deep breath. She just needs to shower it off. With her hair in a loose bun she covers her eyes for a moment sitting there. She’s tired. So tired. But every time she tries to relax, there’s the same picture in her head. Beautiful Ana’s smiling face. The fact that this young person had to loose her life because she decided to give a concert. Taylor immediately gets up. This thought is unbearable. She needs to stop thinking about this. She walks barefoot over the burgundy carpet of her suite, makes sure the curtains are fully closed before opening the bed sheets. She’s been waiting all day for this.
Within one second, Taylor has gotten comfortable under these heavy sheets. The air conditioning in the room is on full mode, and she’s thankful for this cooling sensation of the bed sheets on her bare legs. The incredible feeling of crawling into bed after a horrible day. Another thing that Ana will never experience again…
Just when Taylor was about to get lost in these thoughts again is when her phone vibrates for what feels like the fifteenth time tonight. She knew that her mom and Travis had been texting her. But the last thing she could do earlier was to be on the phone when everything went down. Her desperately waiting in her way too warm and stuffy dressing room. Her dad walking up and down, telling her that it’ll be alright and that everybody is on her side. Sweat dripping down her forehead. Tree being on the phone constantly and a bunch of translators running back and forth. And her? Useless just in between the chaos. She wasn’t able to tell anyone at home what was going on. There was no space. No silence. No room to breathe.. until now.
Taylor opens her iMessage chat with Travis and swallows. 18 notifications. 7 calls. He’s worried. Not just because she didn’t pick up or reply to his texts for hours now but also because he had to find out that this show, that she’s been terrified of playing all day, had been postponed last minute through an instagram post on her official handle. Never before did he have to find out something like this through social media.
Your dad told me you’re unwell. Call me when you can. No need to go through this on your own.
His last text makes her smile slightly. He never fails to show her support. And as shocked as she is that he went to the lengths of calling her father, it shouldn’t really surprise her that much. These two have hit it off to an almost greater degree than she and Travis have. Her dad adores him. No wonder these two are chatting behind her back.
Taylor takes a deep breath, opens her front camera for a second. She looks horrific, tries to fix her bangs for a moment before calling him back. Yes, she knows he won’t care what she looks like but she still wants him to not see her at her worst. Not just yet. Just when Taylor is about to leave her bed to fix her face and her hair is when she gets an incoming FaceTime call from him. She hesitates for a second, then decides to go for it anyways.
The second he appears on her screen is the second she feels tears boiling up again. She doesn’t know why, but something about seeing his kind face and the worried look in his eyes opens the flood gates for her. She needs him. Oh lord, how much she would love to tell herself that it isn’t so.
“Oh baby” is all he brings out for a second. The little tear escaping Taylor’s eye and rolling its way over her cheek hasn’t remained unnoticed by him. She doesn’t say anything, just makes sure to wipe the incoming tears as much as humanly possible.
“I’m sorry, I…” just when she was about to apologize for how he’s witnessing her right now is when he interrupts her already.
“Tell me everything. I just got home from practice and I’m all yours. Your dad said there was some issues with the people there again?”
Taylor takes a deep breath, glad that he’s there. Glad that she can talk about it. Glad that she knows he wants to listen.
“It’s a nightmare. I told you this morning how they threatened Tree and 13 that I’m contractually obligated to perform because apparently the circumstances aren’t as bad as they need to be for a show like this to be cancelled. Like..” Taylor can barely find words to describe her anger, just feels angry tears following the ones from before while her hands are making a grand gesture.
“I mean, a young girl has died... DIED the day before and they don’t think this is as bad as it gets? And Tree also told them about my little incident last night and…”
“Thank god!” Travis interrupts her. She knows the second he learned about her fainting backstage after the show, was the second he himself started to worry more than she would want him to.
“Yeah but, they basically still wanted us to go through and then they finally agreed to providing free water if we cover the costs. Which is something they shouldn’t even charge anyone for, but like.. of course I would pay for that. I didn't even care. And yet once people started getting seated and the arena got more and more packed, there was no water being handed out to people. Nothing. If… if my team hadn’t flagged this, I probably never would’ve known, Trav and…”
“This is unbelievable.” He just says, sighs deeply and is clearly angry too. He’s sitting on his couch, wearing one of her beloved huge sweaters that she’s been stealing so often. What would she give to cuddle herself into his chest, feel his big arms hold her tight and simply fit her little big world into the palm of his kind hands right now.
“Yup. So I just posted it. On Instagram. Because there was no getting out of the show unless I pull the plug myself. They’re threatening us with a lawsuit now, but..”
“Oh fuck that. No chance.” he says and she nods. Hard to imagine that she doesn’t even care about this possible lawsuit at all. There’s so many other things she cares about more in this moment.
“Well, besides that. We reached out to Ana’s parents and… they’re in shock. They hate me. They disagreed to speak to me. And..”
Taylor wants to continue speaking but the lump in her throat is growing to a size that makes it hard to breathe for her.
“I’m sure they don’t hate you.” he says, cannot stand seeing his girl cry all alone in this hotel bed, on the other side of the earth. He’s never been closer to jumping on the next plane there as he’s been right now.
“Well, they’re in shock I assume. And they have every right to hate me. And then on top of all this the hotel is swarmed by people. They have basically taken the cars we took from the venue because my team covered the license plates. For safety. Literally to not get chased on the fucking high way. But no chance. So now, all we can do is just stay at this hotel and hope for tomorrow to be better and…”
She stops then, knows that she’s just been rambling for a while now. And as much as she hates to present this anxious and crying version of herself to Travis, she kind of feels a lot better all of the sudden. It felt good getting it off her chest. It felt good just telling somebody that she’s not doing well. A few last hiccups escape her mouth and she’s drying her face with her hands. Her eyes are puffy, red and swollen. But she doesn’t even care anymore. There’s so many worse things that can happen than looking like this.
“Oh Tay..” he says then. Doesn’t move from where he sits, just straight up looks at her through his phone.
“Yup.” she just says, knowing damn well that no one knows what to say about this nightmare weekend. She feels bad all of the sudden to put all these heavy feelings on him, especially because he never asked her to.
“I’m sure every single person you spoke with tonight has said this to you before, but I’ll say it again.” he says then, a serious look on his face. She’s never witnessed him like this before and it definitely draws her attention even more to the screen than before.
“None of this, was in your power. None of this.” he says, and she knows he means it. Taylor takes another deep shaky breath and looks back at him. She nods. Hearing him say these words almost makes it possible for her to believe them.
“I know, you take pride in having control over things and organizing and planing things to a tee. But there’s always gonna be stuff out of your control, and sometimes things go horribly wrong. But that’s absolutely out of your control. I hope you know that, babe.”
She looks at him for a moment, doesn’t say anything. Then she nods. Why is it that she believes anything he says?
“I know. It’s just…” she stops, feels new tears forming. For a moment, she’s collecting herself again. Travis can see what she’s doing. She’s trying to hold back her tears. He hates it.
“Hey, it’s okay to cry sometimes. Don’t try to play it all cool with me. I hate when you do that.”
Taylor almost starts laughing through her tears, and so does Travis.
“I just… I’m sure you had an exhausting day today as well and all we talk about is me again. And…”
“Shut up.” Travis interrupts her again, and Taylor just wipes her tears.
“I had a boring day. All I was thinking about all day was you. I love you. I’m worried about you. Stop playing it cool with me. It’s okay to cry about this.”
Taylor doesn’t move. Her head is leaning against the velvet bed rest behind her. She looks awful and for a moment she doesn’t care because she can feel that he doesn’t. She nods. Tears still streaming down her face.
“I miss you. And... I love you, too.”
It still feels weird knowing that these words escape her mouth as casually as they do, but it feels so good and so right. She loves him. He loves her. Unbelievably beautiful to travel the world with this knowingness in her heart and head.
Travis sighs deeply from where he is. He slowly sits up. The iPhone camera still right in front of his face.
“Do you think I’d get in trouble if I call in sick tomorrow and coach Reid sees pictures of me sneaking into your hotel in Rio?”
Taylor can’t help but laugh quietly. She knows he wants to be there for her. But she’s gonna be fine. Knowing that he’s there, in her life, just a call away, is enough for her to know that she’s gonna be fine.
“Let’s not get you into any more trouble than you're already in now.” she says jokingly then, for the first time tonight there’s no tears coming down her cheeks. It’s been healing to see his face, to hear his voice. The calm after a storm. A warm hug after a horrible day. That's what this is for her. That's what he's been for her since the moment he walked into her life.
“Tay, I’m worried about you.” He says then, and she knows this time it’s him who’s becoming vulnerable. It feels ridiculously good to know he cares. Even though she’s almost embarrassed to have put him in this position. It’s all new between them, still. He’s never had to deal with her lows before. She never had to ask herself if this could be too much for him, as it has been for everyone before him.
“Don’t be.”
“No, I’m serious.” He says then. The look on his face is still gentle and kind but she knows he’s being serious about this.
“I don’t mean the fact that you’re upset or that your show is cancelled but I’m worried about your physical health and your safety. Have you had dinner yet?”
“Baby, I know you’re worried and it’s so sweet but I can assure you that Tree and my team are taking care of me very well. There’s like five guys in front of my hotel room door right now, and..”
“Have you had dinner yet?” he asks again and she knows he knows. He’s been incredible when it comes to her sometimes problematic eating habits, ever since she told him about this topic. Never before did he ever comment on anything she’s done or hasn’t done in relation to food. But her collapsing backstage last night did something to him. It’s in his eyes, it’s in the way this question comes out of his mouth so firmly. He's scared. He cares.
“I’m still a bit nauseous from the heat and..”
“Did you get an IV?”
“I didn’t need one today. I didn’t perform. So..”
“You said it was incredibly hot in your dressing room? Didn’t you spend all day there? That's not the best way to spend a day before performing for three hours in the heat.”
“Yeah but it was fine. It’s just.. whenever it’s hot I can’t really eat much. So…”
“Baby, please make sure to eat something tonight and drink enough water. I also still think another IV before your show tomorrow would be a good idea.”
She takes a deep breath and nods. He’s right. He always is. But what she appreciates the most in this moment is the tone of his voice. He’s assertive. But he’s gentle. A combination that impressed her from the moment they met.
“I know.” she just says.
“I almost had a heart attack when your dad told me you passed out last night.” he says, and she sighs. She knows this incident scared him. She can’t blame him. If she were to ever get a call from his mom, telling her that he fainted on the other side of the world she would probably lose her damn mind.
“It’s just… performing like that for three hours at 140 degree? It’s horrible.”
“I bet.” he says quickly. “And I’m so glad you cancelled tonight.”
Taylor nods. Somehow, just hearing him say these things really calms her down slowly.
“I miss you. I’m not dealing with it too well at the moment.” she says once more, and his mouth turns into this beautiful smile she loves so much.
“Me too. It’s been so hard focusing on anything after Argentina. After seeing you perform, sleeping in one bed with you. Kissing you good morning. I could get used to that.”
Taylor smiles instantly, and nods. He speaks her mind, once more.
“Can’t wait to see you next week. Even though I’ll miss Thanksgiving. It breaks my heart, but..”
“Hey, we’ll do our own little post-Thanksgiving dinner. Don’t worry about that.”
“Trav?”
“Mhm?”
“Thanks for being there for me tonight. I feel so much calmer than I did half an hour ago.”
The man on the other side of the screen smiles at her once more. He’s so happy to be this person for her. He’s so happy to have this effect on her.
“See, that’s what I’ve been telling you all along. Whenever we speak, my day gets 99% better. Just after seeing that face.”
She giggles quietly.
“How are you? How was practice?” she asks then, wishes she had asked him before earlier. She hates when it’s all about her. He knows that.
“Was good. Nothing special happened. Just got home, ordered some food and might pop into Brit’s Thanksgiving dinner later tonight.”
“Oh my gosh, yes! How could I forget? Ugh I can’t believe I won’t be able to go. Give her a hug from me okay?”
Travis smiles and nods.
“Of course. I won’t stay long though because I have physiotherapy tomorrow super early.” he sighs and it makes Taylor smile. He usually doesn’t mind getting up early but he definitely does on a Sunday morning.
“What are you doing now? Are you in your suite?” he asks and Taylor nods. Her tears have finally dried and she fixes the heavy bedsheets over her body. It’s really gotten cold in this room. At least here, the air conditioning works just fine.
“Yup. It’s like.. eight I think. I’ll just go take a shower and watch some Netflix and that’s it.” she says, clearly not impressed by her plan of the evening now that she won’t play a show in front of thousands of people.
“Order some food, baby. And dessert. Promise me.”
Taylor smiles slowly, then nods. He’s right. She needs some dessert tonight.
“Thanks for being there for me.”
“Don’t ever thank me for this again. Of course I’m here for you.”
Taylor smiles, then gets closer to the screen and kisses her phone camera. He laughs quietly.
“Go take a shower now and call me when your dinner has arrived. We can eat together. My lunch should be here in a bit.”
Taylor nods, sits upright for the first time tonight. That’s actually a better idea than for her to be crying alone watching some Netflix show.
“Sounds great.” She says, slowly gets up and makes her way to the bathroom.
“I’ll call you in a bit. Okay?”
“Okay.”
“I love you, baby.”
“Love you.”
A few moments later, Taylor steps out of the shower, dries her body with the soft white cotton towels at the end of the generous bathroom and quickly reaches for the robe on the hanger next to the bathroom door. She slowly covers her still damp body in the white fabric, then leaves the warm bathroom to step back to the main room of her suite. The cold air of the air conditioned room hits her gently. She weirdly can’t find the body lotion she brought. It must still be flying around in her suitcase.
Taylor slowly crouches down, starts rummaging through her big suitcase. Why is she always so messy when it comes to packing?
Suddenly, she gets startled by a knock on the door. One knock. Then another. For a second, she stands up. Just ensuring to wrap the fabric of the robe even tighter around her body than before. She slowly makes her way to the door of the suite, still barefoot. Her hair still in a bun from the body shower she just took.
“Hello?” she asks carefully, can already hear Dustin from her team speaking.
“Taylor? We have a delivery for you. Do you mind opening up?”
Once more, Taylor clutches onto the robe covering her naked body, making sure she's still fully covered. She carefully opens the door, finds two security men still standing right in front of the door. But to her surprise, Dustin is carrying something very big and very heavy in his arms. She’s confused. White paper covering the package.
“Do you mind if I…?”
Taylor realizes quickly that he needs to place the heavy delivery somewhere. She steps aside, lets him enter the suite. Dustin carefully places the package on the little side table next to the couch of the suite.
“What’s.. what’s this?”
“A delivery from the hotel. I was asked by Tree to bring it to you directly.”
Taylor looks confused, just covers her mouth as Dustin proceeds to peel off the paper from the top of it. Behind the packaging, a massive bouquet of red roses becomes visible. It’s a ball of flowers. She’s never seen so many put so beautifully together.
“Oh my god? What…”
“This is the card for you.” he says, smiles warmly at her and proceeds to leave the suite again. Taylor just remains standing there. The door falling into the lock, her robe still a little bit too big on her, both eyes on the beautiful roses in the middle of her living room. She quickly opens the envelops that Dustin just passed to her. For a moment she reads these printed words. Then she looks back at the flowers and smiles. The biggest smile she's smiled in days.
Because I’m always with you, even when you can’t see me. I’m so proud of you.
“Are you sure?” the red-haired woman looks at the blonde in front of her, who clearly struggles to take off her sandals. It’s silent in the room, two security guards waiting in the door frame for her. Tree can see clearly how Taylor's hands are shaking, almost like a tremor that has been brewing inside of her for a few hours. She’s fiddling with the buckle of her Gucci heels. Truth is, she’d prefer for Taylor to spend her evening in company of her father and herself over a nice dinner in her suite. Besides the many phone calls Tree has to make, she still cares about Taylor’s well-being first and foremost. And by the sight of it, she absolutely is not well. But knowing the blonde stubborn woman as well as she does, Tree could already tell by the minute they left the venue that Taylor is once again in a rather self-isolating mood.
“Do you need anything?” she asks then, still watching the long blonde sitting on the couch of her hotel suite, knowing very well that she didn’t get an answer to her last question.
“Do you have water? Let me know if you need anything else. Dinner will be served as soon as you…”
“I told you, I’m not hungry.” Taylor responds then in a tone that tells Tree everything she needs to know. One more push and Taylor might actually loose her temper. She sighs.
“Alright. Call if you need anything. Alex is on call next door. These guys will be just outside your hotel room door for safety.” She says and points to the men right behind her. She looks at Taylor one last time, who is still sitting on the hotel couch, obviously exhausted and down. She doesn’t want to push her any further, but she can’t contain a last “get some rest, Tay. I know this was a rough few days but you’re doing great.”
Taylor doesn’t reply, once more, and Tree gets the message. She gives the three men next to her a look, signaling them to ensure that her door is secured at all times. Tree then leaves the presidential suite, and the big door falls into the lock.
And suddenly, Taylor's alone. Completely alone.
She takes a deep breath. She just needs to shower it off. With her hair in a loose bun she covers her eyes for a moment sitting there. She’s tired. So tired. But every time she tries to relax, there’s the same picture in her head. Beautiful Ana’s smiling face. The fact that this young person had to loose her life because she decided to give a concert. Taylor immediately gets up. This thought is unbearable. She needs to stop thinking about this. She walks barefoot over the burgundy carpet of her suite, makes sure the curtains are fully closed before opening the bed sheets. She’s been waiting all day for this.
Within one second, Taylor has gotten comfortable under these heavy sheets. The air conditioning in the room is on full mode, and she’s thankful for this cooling sensation of the bed sheets on her bare legs. The incredible feeling of crawling into bed after a horrible day. Another thing that Ana will never experience again…
Just when Taylor was about to get lost in these thoughts again is when her phone vibrates for what feels like the fifteenth time tonight. She knew that her mom and Travis had been texting her. But the last thing she could do earlier was to be on the phone when everything went down. Her desperately waiting in her way too warm and stuffy dressing room. Her dad walking up and down, telling her that it’ll be alright and that everybody is on her side. Sweat dripping down her forehead. Tree being on the phone constantly and a bunch of translators running back and forth. And her? Useless just in between the chaos. She wasn’t able to tell anyone at home what was going on. There was no space. No silence. No room to breathe.. until now.
Taylor opens her iMessage chat with Travis and swallows. 18 notifications. 7 calls. He’s worried. Not just because she didn’t pick up or reply to his texts for hours now but also because he had to find out that this show, that she’s been terrified of playing all day, had been postponed last minute through an instagram post on her official handle. Never before did he have to find out something like this through social media.
Your dad told me you’re unwell. Call me when you can. No need to go through this on your own.
His last text makes her smile slightly. He never fails to show her support. And as shocked as she is that he went to the lengths of calling her father, it shouldn’t really surprise her that much. These two have hit it off to an almost greater degree than she and Travis have. Her dad adores him. No wonder these two are chatting behind her back.
Taylor takes a deep breath, opens her front camera for a second. She looks horrific, tries to fix her bangs for a moment before calling him back. Yes, she knows he won’t care what she looks like but she still wants him to not see her at her worst. Not just yet. Just when Taylor is about to leave her bed to fix her face and her hair is when she gets an incoming FaceTime call from him. She hesitates for a second, then decides to go for it anyways.
The second he appears on her screen is the second she feels tears boiling up again. She doesn’t know why, but something about seeing his kind face and the worried look in his eyes opens the flood gates for her. She needs him. Oh lord, how much she would love to tell herself that it isn’t so.
“Oh baby” is all he brings out for a second. The little tear escaping Taylor’s eye and rolling its way over her cheek hasn’t remained unnoticed by him. She doesn’t say anything, just makes sure to wipe the incoming tears as much as humanly possible.
“I’m sorry, I…” just when she was about to apologize for how he’s witnessing her right now is when he interrupts her already.
“Tell me everything. I just got home from practice and I’m all yours. Your dad said there was some issues with the people there again?”
Taylor takes a deep breath, glad that he’s there. Glad that she can talk about it. Glad that she knows he wants to listen.
“It’s a nightmare. I told you this morning how they threatened Tree and 13 that I’m contractually obligated to perform because apparently the circumstances aren’t as bad as they need to be for a show like this to be cancelled. Like..” Taylor can barely find words to describe her anger, just feels angry tears following the ones from before while her hands are making a grand gesture.
“I mean, a young girl has died... DIED the day before and they don’t think this is as bad as it gets? And Tree also told them about my little incident last night and…”
“Thank god!” Travis interrupts her. She knows the second he learned about her fainting backstage after the show, was the second he himself started to worry more than she would want him to.
“Yeah but, they basically still wanted us to go through and then they finally agreed to providing free water if we cover the costs. Which is something they shouldn’t even charge anyone for, but like.. of course I would pay for that. I didn't even care. And yet once people started getting seated and the arena got more and more packed, there was no water being handed out to people. Nothing. If… if my team hadn’t flagged this, I probably never would’ve known, Trav and…”
“This is unbelievable.” He just says, sighs deeply and is clearly angry too. He’s sitting on his couch, wearing one of her beloved huge sweaters that she’s been stealing so often. What would she give to cuddle herself into his chest, feel his big arms hold her tight and simply fit her little big world into the palm of his kind hands right now.
“Yup. So I just posted it. On Instagram. Because there was no getting out of the show unless I pull the plug myself. They’re threatening us with a lawsuit now, but..”
“Oh fuck that. No chance.” he says and she nods. Hard to imagine that she doesn’t even care about this possible lawsuit at all. There’s so many other things she cares about more in this moment.
“Well, besides that. We reached out to Ana’s parents and… they’re in shock. They hate me. They disagreed to speak to me. And..”
Taylor wants to continue speaking but the lump in her throat is growing to a size that makes it hard to breathe for her.
“I’m sure they don’t hate you.” he says, cannot stand seeing his girl cry all alone in this hotel bed, on the other side of the earth. He’s never been closer to jumping on the next plane there as he’s been right now.
“Well, they’re in shock I assume. And they have every right to hate me. And then on top of all this the hotel is swarmed by people. They have basically taken the cars we took from the venue because my team covered the license plates. For safety. Literally to not get chased on the fucking high way. But no chance. So now, all we can do is just stay at this hotel and hope for tomorrow to be better and…”
She stops then, knows that she’s just been rambling for a while now. And as much as she hates to present this anxious and crying version of herself to Travis, she kind of feels a lot better all of the sudden. It felt good getting it off her chest. It felt good just telling somebody that she’s not doing well. A few last hiccups escape her mouth and she’s drying her face with her hands. Her eyes are puffy, red and swollen. But she doesn’t even care anymore. There’s so many worse things that can happen than looking like this.
“Oh Tay..” he says then. Doesn’t move from where he sits, just straight up looks at her through his phone.
“Yup.” she just says, knowing damn well that no one knows what to say about this nightmare weekend. She feels bad all of the sudden to put all these heavy feelings on him, especially because he never asked her to.
“I’m sure every single person you spoke with tonight has said this to you before, but I’ll say it again.” he says then, a serious look on his face. She’s never witnessed him like this before and it definitely draws her attention even more to the screen than before.
“None of this, was in your power. None of this.” he says, and she knows he means it. Taylor takes another deep shaky breath and looks back at him. She nods. Hearing him say these words almost makes it possible for her to believe them.
“I know, you take pride in having control over things and organizing and planing things to a tee. But there’s always gonna be stuff out of your control, and sometimes things go horribly wrong. But that’s absolutely out of your control. I hope you know that, babe.”
She looks at him for a moment, doesn’t say anything. Then she nods. Why is it that she believes anything he says?
“I know. It’s just…” she stops, feels new tears forming. For a moment, she’s collecting herself again. Travis can see what she’s doing. She’s trying to hold back her tears. He hates it.
“Hey, it’s okay to cry sometimes. Don’t try to play it all cool with me. I hate when you do that.”
Taylor almost starts laughing through her tears, and so does Travis.
“I just… I’m sure you had an exhausting day today as well and all we talk about is me again. And…”
“Shut up.” Travis interrupts her again, and Taylor just wipes her tears.
“I had a boring day. All I was thinking about all day was you. I love you. I’m worried about you. Stop playing it cool with me. It’s okay to cry about this.”
Taylor doesn’t move. Her head is leaning against the velvet bed rest behind her. She looks awful and for a moment she doesn’t care because she can feel that he doesn’t. She nods. Tears still streaming down her face.
“I miss you. And... I love you, too.”
It still feels weird knowing that these words escape her mouth as casually as they do, but it feels so good and so right. She loves him. He loves her. Unbelievably beautiful to travel the world with this knowingness in her heart and head.
Travis sighs deeply from where he is. He slowly sits up. The iPhone camera still right in front of his face.
“Do you think I’d get in trouble if I call in sick tomorrow and coach Reid sees pictures of me sneaking into your hotel in Rio?”
Taylor can’t help but laugh quietly. She knows he wants to be there for her. But she’s gonna be fine. Knowing that he’s there, in her life, just a call away, is enough for her to know that she’s gonna be fine.
“Let’s not get you into any more trouble than you're already in now.” she says jokingly then, for the first time tonight there’s no tears coming down her cheeks. It’s been healing to see his face, to hear his voice. The calm after a storm. A warm hug after a horrible day. That's what this is for her. That's what he's been for her since the moment he walked into her life.
“Tay, I’m worried about you.” He says then, and she knows this time it’s him who’s becoming vulnerable. It feels ridiculously good to know he cares. Even though she’s almost embarrassed to have put him in this position. It’s all new between them, still. He’s never had to deal with her lows before. She never had to ask herself if this could be too much for him, as it has been for everyone before him.
“Don’t be.”
“No, I’m serious.” He says then. The look on his face is still gentle and kind but she knows he’s being serious about this.
“I don’t mean the fact that you’re upset or that your show is cancelled but I’m worried about your physical health and your safety. Have you had dinner yet?”
“Baby, I know you’re worried and it’s so sweet but I can assure you that Tree and my team are taking care of me very well. There’s like five guys in front of my hotel room door right now, and..”
“Have you had dinner yet?” he asks again and she knows he knows. He’s been incredible when it comes to her sometimes problematic eating habits, ever since she told him about this topic. Never before did he ever comment on anything she’s done or hasn’t done in relation to food. But her collapsing backstage last night did something to him. It’s in his eyes, it’s in the way this question comes out of his mouth so firmly. He's scared. He cares.
“I’m still a bit nauseous from the heat and..”
“Did you get an IV?”
“I didn’t need one today. I didn’t perform. So..”
“You said it was incredibly hot in your dressing room? Didn’t you spend all day there? That's not the best way to spend a day before performing for three hours in the heat.”
“Yeah but it was fine. It’s just.. whenever it’s hot I can’t really eat much. So…”
“Baby, please make sure to eat something tonight and drink enough water. I also still think another IV before your show tomorrow would be a good idea.”
She takes a deep breath and nods. He’s right. He always is. But what she appreciates the most in this moment is the tone of his voice. He’s assertive. But he’s gentle. A combination that impressed her from the moment they met.
“I know.” she just says.
“I almost had a heart attack when your dad told me you passed out last night.” he says, and she sighs. She knows this incident scared him. She can’t blame him. If she were to ever get a call from his mom, telling her that he fainted on the other side of the world she would probably lose her damn mind.
“It’s just… performing like that for three hours at 140 degree? It’s horrible.”
“I bet.” he says quickly. “And I’m so glad you cancelled tonight.”
Taylor nods. Somehow, just hearing him say these things really calms her down slowly.
“I miss you. I’m not dealing with it too well at the moment.” she says once more, and his mouth turns into this beautiful smile she loves so much.
“Me too. It’s been so hard focusing on anything after Argentina. After seeing you perform, sleeping in one bed with you. Kissing you good morning. I could get used to that.”
Taylor smiles instantly, and nods. He speaks her mind, once more.
“Can’t wait to see you next week. Even though I’ll miss Thanksgiving. It breaks my heart, but..”
“Hey, we’ll do our own little post-Thanksgiving dinner. Don’t worry about that.”
“Trav?”
“Mhm?”
“Thanks for being there for me tonight. I feel so much calmer than I did half an hour ago.”
The man on the other side of the screen smiles at her once more. He’s so happy to be this person for her. He’s so happy to have this effect on her.
“See, that’s what I’ve been telling you all along. Whenever we speak, my day gets 99% better. Just after seeing that face.”
She giggles quietly.
“How are you? How was practice?” she asks then, wishes she had asked him before earlier. She hates when it’s all about her. He knows that.
“Was good. Nothing special happened. Just got home, ordered some food and might pop into Brit’s Thanksgiving dinner later tonight.”
“Oh my gosh, yes! How could I forget? Ugh I can’t believe I won’t be able to go. Give her a hug from me okay?”
Travis smiles and nods.
“Of course. I won’t stay long though because I have physiotherapy tomorrow super early.” he sighs and it makes Taylor smile. He usually doesn’t mind getting up early but he definitely does on a Sunday morning.
“What are you doing now? Are you in your suite?” he asks and Taylor nods. Her tears have finally dried and she fixes the heavy bedsheets over her body. It’s really gotten cold in this room. At least here, the air conditioning works just fine.
“Yup. It’s like.. eight I think. I’ll just go take a shower and watch some Netflix and that’s it.” she says, clearly not impressed by her plan of the evening now that she won’t play a show in front of thousands of people.
“Order some food, baby. And dessert. Promise me.”
Taylor smiles slowly, then nods. He’s right. She needs some dessert tonight.
“Thanks for being there for me.”
“Don’t ever thank me for this again. Of course I’m here for you.”
Taylor smiles, then gets closer to the screen and kisses her phone camera. He laughs quietly.
“Go take a shower now and call me when your dinner has arrived. We can eat together. My lunch should be here in a bit.”
Taylor nods, sits upright for the first time tonight. That’s actually a better idea than for her to be crying alone watching some Netflix show.
“Sounds great.” She says, slowly gets up and makes her way to the bathroom.
“I’ll call you in a bit. Okay?”
“Okay.”
“I love you, baby.”
“Love you.”
A few moments later, Taylor steps out of the shower, dries her body with the soft white cotton towels at the end of the generous bathroom and quickly reaches for the robe on the hanger next to the bathroom door. She slowly covers her still damp body in the white fabric, then leaves the warm bathroom to step back to the main room of her suite. The cold air of the air conditioned room hits her gently. She weirdly can’t find the body lotion she brought. It must still be flying around in her suitcase.
Taylor slowly crouches down, starts rummaging through her big suitcase. Why is she always so messy when it comes to packing?
Suddenly, she gets startled by a knock on the door. One knock. Then another. For a second, she stands up. Just ensuring to wrap the fabric of the robe even tighter around her body than before. She slowly makes her way to the door of the suite, still barefoot. Her hair still in a bun from the body shower she just took.
“Hello?” she asks carefully, can already hear Dustin from her team speaking.
“Taylor? We have a delivery for you. Do you mind opening up?”
Once more, Taylor clutches onto the robe covering her naked body, making sure she's still fully covered. She carefully opens the door, finds two security men still standing right in front of the door. But to her surprise, Dustin is carrying something very big and very heavy in his arms. She’s confused. White paper covering the package.
“Do you mind if I…?”
Taylor realizes quickly that he needs to place the heavy delivery somewhere. She steps aside, lets him enter the suite. Dustin carefully places the package on the little side table next to the couch of the suite.
“What’s.. what’s this?”
“A delivery from the hotel. I was asked by Tree to bring it to you directly.”
Taylor looks confused, just covers her mouth as Dustin proceeds to peel off the paper from the top of it. Behind the packaging, a massive bouquet of red roses becomes visible. It’s a ball of flowers. She’s never seen so many put so beautifully together.
“Oh my god? What…”
“This is the card for you.” he says, smiles warmly at her and proceeds to leave the suite again. Taylor just remains standing there. The door falling into the lock, her robe still a little bit too big on her, both eyes on the beautiful roses in the middle of her living room. She quickly opens the envelops that Dustin just passed to her. For a moment she reads these printed words. Then she looks back at the flowers and smiles. The biggest smile she's smiled in days.
Because I’m always with you, even when you can’t see me. I’m so proud of you.
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