"He felt himself thrown back to the beginning of life again, where everything has yet to be won; but in extreme youth one has an ignorant hope. He was no longer certain that he would triumph."
Virginia Woolf / Night and Day
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"He felt himself thrown back to the beginning of life again, where everything has yet to be won; but in extreme youth one has an ignorant hope. He was no longer certain that he would triumph."
Virginia Woolf / Night and Day

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Sylvia Plath, The Unabridged Journals
Funnily enough, that is exactly how I felt while reading The Bell Jar. Of course it cannot be exactly the same path, but the feelings and circumstances of being a girl and growing up remain the same. Fears of the future and commitments remain the same. Not being able to escape the molds and expectations while trying to find yourself remains the same. And the fig tree itself remains the same.
anyways remember when toni morrison said "sometimes you don't survive whole, you just survive in part. but the grandeur of life is that attempt. it's not about that solution. it is about being as fearless as one can, and behaving as beautifully as one can, under completely impossible circumstances."
everyone say thank you toni morrison

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Anyhow, she thought, they are aware of each other; they live in each other; what else is love, she asked, listening to their laughter.
Virginia Woolf, The Years
Maximilian Lenz - Spring
It kept playing in my mind the whole day:
"You mistify me
You mistify me
You mistify me"
âThe Poor Manâs Umbrellaâ by Weighty Winds - A vast leaf cradled by hands, merging human touch with natureâs design.
Was enjoying the fall and all the shades it brought for the first time this year. Alas, it snowed here today meaning autumn is gone and winter is already here. Not that I could not feel its frosty breath or not that I didn't notice the darkness around all day long. But I was still caught off guard.
(maybe with pictures I can bribe the autumn for the next year, so that it doesn't retire so early.)

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I am absolutely terrified about what's expecting me in ICU but nonetheless I am also verymuch excited about it. I have a feeling that I will regret this excitement around the first time that I'll have to put the needle to someone's neck pointing towards their jugularis or insert tubus in their airways. Not that I haven't tried or done but always with someone who I trust that can save the situation (everybody needs a hero with white horse sometimes) with their great experience of years. I took "i will do no harm" very seriously and my heart shatters every time when I think maybe I could do something better. I have been very much lucky while everyone was so far satisfied. And having years of experience in being the very people pleaser, I like to believe that I have managed it very well. But not for a second have I stopped feeling like an imposter. Perhaps nobody is perfect but should it really stop us from trying?
Also having the narcissism inherited from my father's side I can't stop thinking, if "x" or "y" did it, I surely will manage it too. Yes I probably will, but definitely not because someone else managed it but because I have no other choice.
"oh sweet summer child" indeed
Eva Gonzalès  (French, 1849â1883)
It is words that are to blame. They are the wildest, freest, most irresponsible, most unteachable of all things. Of course, you can catch them and sort them and place them in alphabetical order in dictionaries. But words do not live in dictionaries; they live in the mind. If you want proof of this, consider how often in moments of emotion when we most need words we find none. Yet there is the dictionary; there at our disposal are some half-a-million words all in alphabetical order.
But can we use them? No, because words do not live in dictionaries, they live in the mind. Look again at the dictionary. There beyond a doubt lie plays more splendid than Antony and Cleopatra; poems more lovely than the Ode to a Nightingale; novels beside which Pride and Prejudice or David Copperfield are the crude bunglings of amateurs. It is only a question of finding the right words and putting them in the right order. But we cannot do it because they do not live in dictionaries; they live in the mind.
from a recording of Virginia Woolfâs talk âOn Craftsmanshipâ, a BBC radio broadcast aired on 29 April 1937
I would like to live. I am going to live...I am giving myself up; I am letting everything collapse, and I will start over again with something else.
Simone de Beauvoir, Diary of a Philosophy Student
Cold Stars  -  Marika Kaarna , 2000
Finnish,b.1966-
Oil on canvas, 170 x 130 cm.

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ââ I never felt my loneliness so clearly.â
â FrĂŠdĂŠric Chopin, from a letter to Jan MatuszyĹski c. December 1837
Today I realized people may isolate because they donât bear the reality and the fact, that they donât belong anywhere. so they isolate so much that the world outside fades and doesnât exist for them anymore. Kinda like âOut of sight out of mindâ. And what doesnât exist canât show you and remind you, that you donât belong anywhere. If nothing exists, you donât belong to, you canât be lost.
âBoredom is different nowadays. Itâs about super-saturation, distraction, restlessness. I am often bored but itâs not for lack of options: a thousand TV channels, the bounty of Netflix, countless net radio stations, innumerable unlistened-to albums, unwatched DVDs and unread books, the maze-like archive of YouTube. Todayâs boredom is not hungry, a response to deprivation; it is a loss of cultural appetite, in response to the surfeit of claims on your attention and time.â
â Simon Reynolds, Retromania: Pop Cultureâs Addiction to Its Own Past