Dessert Bluffs horoscopes

Ares: The Smiling god looks upon you in joy this week, sending you gifts-a-plenty. Please do not hesitate to accept them, and use them to your own advantage.

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Taurus: You have been out in the sun for too long. Do not forget to come inside to the break room, and maybe pet our therapy Strex Pet. It may help you focus again, and help you get whatever task you have set up, complete!

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Gemini: You were once more powerful than you ever thought you would be. But now that you are mortal, you can only see the road of humans laid out ahead. Take that road, and let it lead you to success!

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Cancer: You have been late to too many meetings. Please report to the local pay phone booth, and state your Name, adress, Spouse's name, first tooth you lost, and Blood type. We will pick you up shortly.

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Leo: Vanity has held you back. So we removed all your mirrors and replaced them with planners for you to fill. You are very welcome.

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Virgo: Virgo, you seem tired. Do not despair. Take a few deep breaths and do a short ritual. This will help you, and all of your friends, stay up more days to catch up on that late work.

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Libra: Why did you throw that at them?They only wanted to help you plan a schedule. Violence in the workplace really sets you back. Please see your way to management and hope that they see you as fit to stay in your chosen department.

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Scorpio: You have been promoted! Talk to the last one in your company who was promoted to find out where!

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Sagittarius: Did you know that a million tiny spiders can help you carry your papers around, that way you can cary extra? No? Well then today is your lucky day. Report to town hall later today and see what you can do to join the Spider Assistance Program (SAP).

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Capricorn: You have no more sick days. Please just return to work. We promise the teeth only look that sharp, and will cause no dmage if you get bitten. Lying about illness is very not up to code, and is very unprofessional.

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Aquarius: You have counted well. You have been nothing but on time and productive for nearly six months now. No longer will we have to watch you! Congrats!

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Do to recent management change, there was some instability in the timing, setting back productivity.

But luckily, we have come to help, and reform everything so it runs smoothly once again!

I do hope none of you are worried or fazed by the changes, and if you find that somone you know is, please have them report to the company meeting, where all will be explained justly.

We thank you all for your support and understanding!

No, inside yourself.

Your heart. Your lungs. Your odly shaped pancreas. Everything they are doing, and what they might be saying? Everything they may be attempting to do for you, or against you? Do you ever wonder what they think about when you can't hear them?

No?

Then maybe you should start now. Listen now. Be apart of the now that your insides live every day, and truly see who you are. Who they are. What they are.

Because you may be too late if you don't start soon.

Subway

Ares: Your cat escaped. Your cat is gone. Buy a bird instead. Much more reliable.

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Taurus: You want to know what's under the rug? Then lift the rug. You don't want to know? Lift it anyway.

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Gemini: You are now an eldrich god. Use your powers to stay on top, so when you are no longer a god, you can still win that promotion.

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Cancer: The shadows you have been seeing? They are exactly what you think they are.

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Leo: You have been returned! Congragulations. Now just be sure to be ready for next month.

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Virgo: You stared into the void. The void stared into you. Take the knowledge it has taught you and make whatever you desire. After all, it is only the voids voice guiding you. Certainly not a Gemini god. No. Only the void.

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Libra: Did you do that ritual? If not, why are you still reading this? If you have. Congragulations. The town appreciates what you have done to save them.

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Scorpio: Sticks and stones will break your bones, but words will crawl into your bed and sing you lullabies about they cute, maybe person, who may also not be a person, at the pizza place. Ask them out.

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Sagittarius: Stay home. If you leave, they will look for you. We cannot promise that they don't know about the "secret hideout" that you put under the abandon gas station. We cannot promise that they didn't see this.

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Capricorn: You won!

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Aquarious: Feeling tired? Then take a break. Drink. Eat. Sleep. Sleep more. Sleep longer. Good.

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Ares: Look over your shoulder every time you feel the need. If they think you are watching, they probably won't try an attack you.

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Taurus: Are you stressed out from how relaxed you feel? Good. That means the treatment working.

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Gemeni: Far from home? Probably not. But maybe you should check a map to make sure. You never know what might happen once you step outside.

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Cancer: You should probably not trust Tuesday. You remember last time?

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Libra: Run away. Run away and don't look back until you have made your official blood stone ritual.

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Scorpius: Follow the stars. Unless they tell you not to. Then just sit idly, because you wouldn't want to be rude.

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Sagittarius: Questions? That is all there is.

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Capricorn: You will not exist over the next week. But don't worry! The cleaners will make sure your house looks as souless as when you were here.

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Aquarius: Stare up at the void until it blinks. Then you will get a wish. Do not share your wish.

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