pillows

cynthia’s pout forms into a full blown scowl when she realizes jae’s deflecting. nothing new, but doesn't fail to surprise her. “it’d have to be dia, no? daphne or peter probably contributed in some way if i were to guess.” from the few times she’s seen the three of them in passing, she chalks it up to the event lead to stir the pot in some way. then there's that annoying grin. that's the jae she knows, having a blast at her expense. as much as she wants to wipe that damn smirk off his face, he’ll carry on as long as she's visibly distressed. just because they’ve recently reconciled doesn't mean she doesn’t have any cards up her sleeve. that's why rather than wriggling in his grip, she grasps onto his other forearm, maintaining her composure and their closeness, if not inching imperceptibly closer. “whoa, you're a little eager there. did you want this that badly, hm?”

"like this means 'yes, please come here where you’ll be trapped underneath this stupid mistletoe!"’ this time cynthia shakes her head and waves her hands slowly but emphatically, glaring at him as if it will get her point across better that way. could she have communicated more clearly? probably, but the first that came to mind was putting her arms in the shape of an x and that sounded like overkill. she nearly mirrors jae’s pout as she attempts to budge her way out once more, to no avail. "but does it really have to be you—” ouch. “... no offense.” nice save.

annual winter/christmas party (2022)

cynthia blinks incredulously at jae as if he’s grown a second head. it takes a few beats before the gravity behind his words rests on her shoulders. oh. she feels the onslaught of tears begin to sting her eyes, “i-it's okay,” judging from the way her voice falters, she's clearly not okay. “it's fine, i’m fine, don't worry.” empty reassurances roll off her tongue easier than they should, how easy it is lying to not only him, but herself. a small, hidden part of her wishes he would just grab her and drill it into her that he cares for her on purpose over and over until it sticks, but he’d never do that. cynthia braces herself for what's about to come, but it’s just as heart-wrenching hearing jae’s perspective. she offers hers, “i already wasn't feeling the greatest at the dance. but the griffin suddenly comes crashing in, and that was probably the most useless i’ve ever felt in a long time. but i couldn't just stand there and do nothing. i had to do something, anything.” her last chance at embodying the hero she thought she could never be. at the very place where demigods could be accepted as they were, she still saw herself as the outlier among her peers. she started from the bottom while as they excelled faster, graduated faster. years of hard work wouldn't have been for nothing if it meant she could save one person. that one person happened to be him. “and that's when i saw you. the griffin was headed right towards you! so you wanna know what i did?” here goes nothing. “ran as fast as i could—” breathe in, breathe out. “—moved you out of the way before it could get to you. but facing it, was unlike anything i’ve ever seen on missions before. it was… so strong. like unbelievably strong. i-i tried to fight back, i really did—” she sounds like a scolded child even though she didn't give him a chance to say anything. “but it happened so fast– then it just—fuck!” she hisses as the ghost of a searing pain strikes her stomach, hand clutching the imaginary wound. that has never happened before. flashes of a vivid memory meant to be forgotten seep through, and guilt immediately washes over her face. the dam, whose walls were painstakingly built, breaks. she can't bear to look at him anymore.

“do you want to take pictures together?” cynthia isn’t one to post on social media that often, but she just finished taking mirror selfies in the bathroom, feeling herself so much in her costume that she might just do it. as she should! “i know i’ve probably said this a million times already, but i love your whole look! that dress really suits you.”

“you have a bunch of friends who’d be more than happy to be spoiled by you, that must narrow it down a little, right? but i’m absolutely sure, i don't need anything else. trust me.” perhaps cynthia was lucky. the boots were far from anything she thought she'd ever receive in a white elephant, but there's simply no way she could find (or afford) something even close to the vintage diors. she hopes the perfume she bought for his birthday sufficed. this time she listens attentively to his every word, eyes now open but trained at the ground. she nods despondently as her gaze trails up to his, and she almost cowers under it. “i-i thought i got you… so all this time, you really don’t remember? be honest with me, please.” meant to come off lightly, if not for the desperation seeping through. guilt has been festering inside her all these years, and it didn't even happen? swept up in her own self-destruction, did his nullification powers slip by before she could even notice? she couldn't wrap her head around it. the first thing that came to mind was to laugh, but she couldn't even bring herself to smile. any remnants of a grin have since wiped off her face, the strength to bite back with something, anything, nowhere to be found. a forlorn attempt at masking the built-up anxiety bubbling inside her for months, years. but everything has caught up to her now, and it's only a matter of time before she buries herself in the grave she dug for herself. it takes every fiber of her being to not let a single teardrop fall in spite of her bottom lip quivering, her heart rattling in its cage. she wraps her free hand around their enclosed ones, ripping off the bandaid, “jae, i’m afraid of what i’m about to ask you, but i want you to tell me everything, the complete truth,” a deep breath.  “what do you remember from the masquerade?”

“you could give them out to literally anybody else and they’d say yes,” except she totally wouldn't get jealous if she sees anyone else on campus wearing them because she’d know they’re from jae and she had them first, even if they were just a gift. no, not at all. she nods wordlessly, concern turned confusion etched on her features. she should've known the boots looked out of place by the entryway. she knew she should have shoved them in the back of her closet with the dress still in perfect condition when it should've been torn to shreds. none of this would have ever happened if she just didn't get in her own way. she’s about to shoot him an incredulous look, until gears turn again for a moment. and realization dawns on her. “waitwaitwait—” cynthia screws her eyes shut, almost waving him off, but his sudden grasp keeps her planted in her spot. did he actually forget? “so you do remember the first time,” she affirms. “but before you brought me back to my room when i freaked out at that event, i-i did it. first it was one guy, then another, then more, and then you… i did it again, didn't i?”

cynthia gathers the will to let their fingers unravel, and a strange sensation washes over her at the lack of contact. he’s right in front of her, yet if she takes a step forward he’ll be two steps back. if she was amiable enough in the very beginning, would they still end up here? there would be no grudges buried within, no reason for their prolonged silence. if the events of the masquerade had to happen, she’d still put herself in front of the griffin to save jim. perhaps their doom is inevitable. “oh gods no. these are like the most expensive thing i own by far, i certainly don't need any more,” she almost misses the face he makes as the words leave his mouth. “... right.” when did he see her wear them? he must’ve misspoke. she runs through possible scenarios in her head. wait, she ripped up her dress as she was fighting the griffin. shit. now the rest of his words are travelling through one ear and out the other, it's a miracle she caught the tail-end of it all. her breathing quickens as she curls her fists to ground herself. “yeah, the other one was a long time ago. if you didn't hate me before, surely you would've hated me then.” she gives him a long once-over before cautiously asking, “hey, are you okay?”

There is a certain beauty about clear starlit skies, glowing particularly bright this evening. On nights like these, she’s reminded of her—their—mother. If she's amongst the stars, in the backdrop for the picturesque scenery for the souls fortunate to witness such a sight at this hour. Cynthia exhales a content sigh at the thought as August's anecdote catches up to her. She’s noticed the sparkle in her sister’s eyes used to be her own. “Everyone's been there once before, what matters is that you're here now, and it’s just the beginning for you,” she reassures, “Like I came here almost a decade ago and I'm still training. Everybody is going down their own path at their own pace, you can take as much time as you need. There's no shame in that.”

“wouldn't miss it for the world,” their pinkies are still intertwined, but she's not finished. bringing their fingers together, all that's left is to stamp their thumbs to top it off. this way he won't slip away this time, he can’t. cynthia hums in contemplation as she squints skeptically, grin fleeting. but you did leave me. he’s doing it again–not telling her the full story. although she’d be lying if she said she isn't doing the same thing. biting their tongues, waiting for the other to speak up first. unless they will, unless they won't. gears turn in her head as she listens to his story, eyebrows furrowed. digging into the depths of her memory has become a burden. then the light-bulb moment. “ah! i should've known you’d be that guy who would give out spare diors just laying around for something like white lion,” she looks down at him, managing to muster a soft smile. “but i really like them, a lot. thank you.” she notes the irritation from below. “i dunno, after controlling you not once, but twice? i’d hate me if i were you.”

“you know it.” she nods as she extends her pinky out, bright eyes waiting expectantly for the other to seal the deal. despite how childish the tradition may seem, cynthia has always loved how sentimental a pinky swear was. no matter how big or small the vow, so much tenderness can be held in two interlocked fingers. “well, i’d—” again, those words struggle to escape. she lets out a deep breath before continuing, “we left off on a… bitter note. but i wouldn't want to leave us just hanging like that. would you be that willing to drop everything?” curious eyes then follow his line of sight to the doorway, switching between him and the pair of dior boots. “hm? yeah, aren't they gorgeous? i can't believe someone wanted to give those away. luckily they were a perfect fit, so i wore them to the masquerade.” a detail from that night that didn't leave her chest hollow. “it might've been to you, but it was hard to imagine, believe it or not.”

“you really thought i wouldn't? even if i only had time to stop by for a couple minutes, i’d stay for as long as i could.” granted, seeing the invitation was the last thing she thought she’d receive in her mailbox. but she didn't need it to know his 27th was coming up soon. she’d celebrate it regardless. “i would hope so,” cynthia giggles, the first heartfelt one she shared with him in a long time. the last one was during a much simpler time. when silences were comfortable, and looking at him didn't feel like he was worlds away from her. “i don't think i’d ever be done with you whether you like it or not. you were always there.” until he wasn't, until he was. the past is the past, but she still wonders what the real reason he came back to nemean last year is. she saw right through him the moment he arrived, just like old times. “i always have, keep up. and you care about me too? really?”

i miss you. these three words catch in her throat, unable to think of anything else because it's the truth. next thing she knew jae’s angrily pointing at her, and she’s immediately back on the defensive. “sure, we don't talk, i don't like you, whatever. and yet you still wanted me at your party. you wanna understand me? take a look in the mirror.” but cynthia’s fire simmers as soon as his does, tired of the circles they’ve been going in for far too long. voice filled with sincerity, she says, “jae, i wouldn't have left your favorite cake outside your door if i didn't like you at least a little bit. i wouldn't have went to your birthday party you invited me to if i didn't care about you in the slightest.”