A foolproof guide to keeping your job
Really excited business people.
Walk really fast everywhere. Walking fast implies that you have a fuckload to do. Do it at a half sprint so people think you’re off to an important meeting. Also a benefit? Getting a lot of steps in. Hit that 10K goal!
Write things down Pro-tip: if you’re always making notes, you will always look busy. Even if you’re writing a grocery list, always be writing.
Mess up your desk. I like to scatter various papers across my desk. Not a hoard but just “enough” to look swamped. Also look slightly flustered/deep in thought when someone walks past your desk even though you’re just taking another Buzzfeed quiz.
Hold everything you own. Grab a pile of books, juggle your coffee, and take a phone call. When you walk past your co-workers, say things like, “Well, that doesn’t sound like it’s going to plan” or “Let’s meet up ASAP to reassess this further.” They’ll think you’re on a business call but you’re really just planning Saturday night.
Print out copious amounts of important “documents.” Print your emails. Print your fanfic. Print menus for the Thai place you’re ordering dinner from later. Who cares. Hang around that printer looking like you NEED your print-outs.
Hold a clipboard. Holding a clipboard makes you look efficient as fuck. Fact. If you hold a clipboard you will look like you’re on top of a long-ass list of tasks that you will accomplish, even if that list in your mind actually consists of “waiting for lunch” and “avoiding responsibilities”
Ask your boss if they’ve seen one of your co-workers. Let’s be clear, delivery is everything here. If you sound like you’re just looking for them to chat about your weekend plans, they’ll be onto you quick smart. However, if you sound like you need to ask them a ~very important work-related question~, that is A+ deception, my friends. You can even add that lie into your question, like “hey Dave, have you seen Karen? I need to ask her opinion on how we’re going to strategize this e-mail campaign.” See? That’s some legit shit. Then, just stand and have a banter in the break room for like 20 minutes. Boom. You’re 20 minutes closer to lunch, and you’re welcome xoxo.
Make excited exclamations. Say something like “AHA!” triumphantly and raise a fist. It sounds like you just closed a deal but really you just had the highest bid on eBay for that antique horse dressed like old presidents. You did it!
Never underestimate the power of a good highlighter. You might be highlighting the cheapest bars to go for drinks on Friday night, but people will assume it’s just the latest account numbers.
Always poop at work. I cannot stress this one enough. Do it everyday and do it with gusto.Take your time — bowel health is important. Get in the office, make yourself a strong coffee, and unload that dump truck.
Put Post-it Notes all over your office. Post-it Notes are great for looking busy. Stick them up on your wall, take them down, scribble on them frantically, stare at them intently. The options are limitless.
Take one actual business call a day and be loud as hell. Be as loud as you fucking can. Sit on a co-worker’s desk if you want, but shout that actual business to the heavens. Everyone will be like, “Did you hear Judy on that business call? Damn, she does business loudly.”
Tell everyone how busy you are. If you start every conversation with, “I’m just so busy at the moment!” people will have to believe you. Remember folks, “work” smarter, not harder.
Sigh as if there aren’t enough hours in the day. Busy people never have enough hours in the day, and they hate it. If you want to look busy and be convincing about it, throw an exaggerated, exasperated sigh out within earshot of your co-workers about once an hour so they know how hard you’re working and how much you wish you could be doing more, if only there were more time. Massage your temples for added effect.
Hide. Here’s a pro-tip, you guys. If no one can see you, no one can know that you’re not doing any work. It’s imperative, however, that you remember to Hide. In. A. Blind. Zone. People. You have been warned.
And that is how it’s done.
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