Nigglets

-Sold lingerie to an eighty year old woman

-Got a free salted caramel frappacino from the suspectedly gay barista, Parker

-Sold a bra to the mom of a sixteen year old girl who was cringing the entire time

-Had a very engaging conversation with a three year old boy about colors. We both like blue.

-Served an old woman who I thought had an impressive mustache, but it was just nose hair

-Watched her and two other women with her get trapped between two sets of automatic doors because they did not understand how to open them. How they got through the first set, I still do not know.

-Sold fifteen gallons of kitty litter to a soccer mom who refused to break eye contact

-Got a second free starbucks drink. This one was a pumpkin pie one that wasn’t even on the menu. I like this barista man.

-Gave dozens of children stickers. Several of them squealed when they got them. This is the best part of my job.

-Sold an old man $200 of furniture and got him to sign up for a Target credit card. Before he finished the last step, he turned and walked away with his cart without a word.

-He still hadn’t paid. I called him back and he apologized, saying “sorry, sometimes my diabetes makes me do that.” He didn’t finish getting the card.

-A woman came up with $220 of items. After a wad of coupons and a stack of free gift cards from other promotions, her total went down to $55. I want her to teach me. 

-Saw a girl skipping down the aisle in what can only be described as a pink princess fairy wedding dress. She was filled with happiness and if I hadn’t been on the clock I would have taken her. At the very least, I want that outfit for my own.

-Got approached by a large man named Jason. He told me not to steal. I will take this advice to heart. 

-Met a woman referred to only as The Cat Lady. She asked if I wanted her to buy me a keychain from Ross. I told her I had no keys. She nodded solemnly and walked away, whispering their exact location inside Ross, just in case.

-Intimidating farmer man in overalls and pigtails came through my checkout. He bought a bucket. He spoke no words. He made no eye contact. He left me with questions.

-Three college boys came through, each buying spandex and makeup wipes. They spoke no words. They made too much eye contact. They left me with more questions. I question when this job will provide answers.

-A three year old came through, pushed by his personal chauffeur. He bought one small Spider-Man onesie. He carried out the entire transaction on his own. He was the most polite customer I have had so far.

-Three people walked away without their change. Only two returned.

-A man bought thirty light bulbs with a coupon. He told me he did not need thirty light bulbs. He just likes coupons.

-He then walked to customer service, claiming to have returned several things he did not mean to. He then walked a lap around the store and left. He did not leave the store with his light bulbs. They were nowhere to be found.

-Two children came through the line. They were chanting to their mom through heavy streams of tears. “WE WANT STICKERS MOMMY.”  There were no stickers at any of the registers. They continued crying. I failed my people.

-An old woman bought five bottles of wine and a large bottle of vodka. Her license told me she had lived through World War II. Her smile told me she was still living.

-I sorted through the candy in the checkout lanes. I was meant to set aside candy that had expired in the last month. A box of Kit Kats was found that had expired in February of 2015. One was missing. I hope the poor sap is okay.

-Clearance school supplies have arrived. A man bought 71 spiral notebooks for $6. A woman bought 110 folders for $4. I hope they meet each other. I would like to see the child of two math problem characters.

-A bearded man named Rusty came through. I sold him a bottle of Crystal Light powder and a gallon of water. The powder was empty. The water jug had an inch of pink water left in it. How long has he been inside the store already. His beard intimidated me too much to ask.

A blonde and a lawyer are seated next to each other on a flight from LA to NY.

The lawyer asks if she would like to play a fun game? The blonde, tired, just wants to take a nap, politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks. The lawyer persists and explains that the game is easy and a lot of fun.

He explains, “I ask you a question, and if you don’t know the answer, you pay me $5.00, and vice versa.”

Again, she declines and tries to get some sleep. The lawyer, now agitated, says, “Okay, if you don’t know the answer you pay me $5.00, and if I don’t know the answer, I will pay you $500.00.”

This catches the blonde’s attention and, figuring there will be no end to this torment unless she plays, agrees to the game. The lawyer asks the first question. “What’s the distance from the earth to the moon?”

The blonde doesn’t say a word, reaches into her purse, pulls out a $5.00 bill and hands it to the lawyer. “Okay” says the lawyer, “your turn.”

She asks the lawyer, “What goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four legs?” The lawyer, puzzled, takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references, no answer. He taps into the air phone with his modem and searches the net and the library of congress, no answer. Frustrated, he sends e-mails to all his friends and coworkers, to no avail.