You're a natural disaster

Doc? Doc, where’d you go? Aw man, I don’t think this is 1985…

Has anyone seen- You know, girl, dark hair… Lots of emotions? Her name’s Stephanie if that helps. Can’t believe I lost track of her for like the 15th time.

“Somebody cut in front of me in line at the canteen today, and by the time I got to the register they were all out of lasagna. Now I either have to learn how to make lasagna or find someone to make it for me. Does a girl looking for someone to help her fill the hole in her stomach sound okay for a Craigslist ad?”

“Aw man, seriously?” Noah ran a hand through his hair at the side of his head, a horrified look on his face. “Firstly, who was this rude loser that cut in front of you? Secondly, I can make you a lasagne. I can do that. I could figure out how to do that and I could do it. You want lasagne? I’ll get you lasagne.”

“I’m fine. Just…Like, when every teacher assigns 45 minutes of homework a night, that’s almost four hours worth of homework, which is absurd. The biology homework won’t take me that long, but the math homework…Ugh. I need to reschedule my entire life.”

Like, am I in a LifeTime made-for-TV romcom right now?

God, please let this be a romcom... [ so obviously staring ‘cause wtf did this beauty come from? ] I honestly don’t think I’ve ever seen someone look so fucking cute while eating pancakes.

“I’m literally going to go out of my freakin’ mind if I can’t get my psychic to pick up the phone soon. She told me that Mars was in retrograde, but I wasn’t aware that the obstacles we were going to encounter involved weird dream stuff. I was so not prepared.”

“Wait, back up. Did you just say you had weird dream stuff? Did Mars cause that? Does Mars cause weird dreams? That-... Okay, that doesn’t even make sense. But either way, I had a weird dream too.”

I’m not voting for prom queen so you can choke on your sugar death trap, ‘kay?

Wait, you’re not voting for Isa-... or Faye... Right, yeah, I see the problem, but hey, I’m not voting for prom king, so you should totally abstain from that too. I mean, they left out the best one.

Attention, ladies and gentlemen! I will not be asking anyone out to prom – I repeat, I will not! Rather, I will take whoever first goes up to Coach to let him know that I won’t be able to attend practice at all this week, because Ms. Alexandria just gave me detention for my hair having more artistic talent in one strand than she’s had in her entire career.

… She may have also said something about it ‘breaking the school dress code’, but the fact of the matter is that neither my hair nor my crown will have anything to stand on if Coach rips my head off.

I feel this on a deep and spiritual level. I’m sure I’d be stuck right there with you if I had dared to take drama this year. Just ditch though, man. I can’t hold up the hair game alone at these practices. Well... I mean, I can, but my hairspray stock might take a major hit.

… Sorry, I totally spaced out there. Did I miss anything good? Have you tried these cupcakes?

Oh no, just me tearing down all my hopes and dreams. Please, carry on gazing into the distance and I- No, Carrie, I haven’t, and I don’t want to.

That’s amazing.

That right there is a party monster and he is so going to regret it in the morning. Anyway, have you seen a vase anywhere? I’m never the one who gets to she-hulk smash.

Who, me? Are you talking to- Oh, god. Um... What was the question? I wasn’t prepared for this. I don’t- You- She-hulk? You wanna- I can find you something to break. I know I can. I’m sure I can. Break me. She-hulk smash me.

Wow, you’re actually funny… or maybe I’m just drunk. 

I- What? I- You think so? You really think I’m funny? I- Yeah, okay, there’s also that, but hey, I’ll take being funny when you’re drunk. That’s still cool.That’s awesome. Yes.

I’m baaaack—

That is how they say hello, bitch in Europe. Actually there’s usually more biting but whatever. Get me a shot? Shit— [ compelling them ] Get me a shot.

Nah, listen you definitely have to do this shot with me.

I don’t wanna bring manners into it or what you did last summer, but drink up. It’s a party, it’s my party and you should be doing this with me. Down the hatchet, try to ignore the burn.

Chris, how stupid do you think I am? I’m not drinking anything you’re handing out, man. I could die. I mean look at Joey Salvatore. You can’t tell me he did that to himself of his own accord. I’m not strong enough for your banter.

Gosh, is it just me, or is today, like, super beautiful? Not– Not to be weird about it or anything— I’m sure it’s just a normal day or something, but I just— It’s a nice day out. You get what I mean?

Dude, we don’t have time to talk about the weather! How are we going to get Georgie Porter to love me? This is way more important than the sun, Cam. Help me! Last time I tried to talk to her I threw up in my mouth!

Is there a party every night around here or something? I just mean, based on the way some of you act, is all. It draws concern.

There’s a party? What? When? Tonight? Aw, man. I am totally unprepared. Where is it? Who’s hosting it? Do you have an invite? I gotta be there or I’ll be square. You don’t understand, this is life or death of my social status!