I believe in fairies

“Could I, by any chance, ask not to be seen by a certain doctor?” You request, realizing too late how much of an asshole you sound. 

“Do you have a problem with someone in the ER, Ma’am?”Perez is already on the offense for the team, working to save lives behind her desk. 

You are sounding like an asshole. 

“No, sorry, never mind. I just-I know someone, and I was hoping-” You try as the pain shoots up and down your arms and makes you wince. Grinding your teeth, but all it looks like is you got anxious and quiet. 

“You’ll be called back as quickly as we can. Please have a seat and wait for your number.” Perez insists, probably considering you to be a tweaker. 

You nod and give a forced, friendly look, and make your way to a chair in the corner. 

You plop down and try to sink into yourself in the crowd of people in pain, you never felt in more mutual company. 

It’s the afternoon by the time you get brought back, after getting your blood drawn, and some basic questions. Your pushed back to the waiting room. There’s no longer seats available so you stand against a wall and try to dissasociate from the way your body feels on fire. 

The sunsets and your called back once again. You wobble a little but make it to an angry junior doctor who’s about to break from the stress. 

You eye her badge but don’t give her any attitude, you understand better than anyone in that waiting room what her day means. 

“So the pain, can you put it on a scale on one to ten?” Mohan asks, you feel bad for her. 

“It’s a five,” you sorta lie. 

Pain tolerance skewed at this point in life. 

Dana is walking by your room, and she makes a comical twist of her neck snap, giving a double take to see your face. 

The charge nurse barges in with her maternal smile.

It used to be comforting but now it just fills you with dread. The pain shoots through the back of your skull, you want to throw up again. 

But now you have to be pleasant. 

“Hello, cutie, haven’t seen your face in some time. I’m guessing it’s a bad one?” Dana questions, she’s not looking at Mohan's annoyed face or your chart. 

“It’s fine, I just need a little sleep.” You admit, not having not slept in six days. 

“You tell Mohan you're at a four or five?” Dana asks, not believing how well you conceal the intensity of your pain. 

You shrug, good-natured, a gentle disposition, another kind face going through the ER rounds. 

You're just a number to Moahn, and that’s fine with you, you just needed a little a refill of Zofran and a strong sleeping pill. 

Then you’d be out into the evening, having started waiting for a bed at seven am this morning. 

“Any chance you can keep my name to a minimum?” You squint at the nurse, who falters a little. 

“Why don’t you want a reunion?” She questions not used to your cagey attitude, and Mohan seems curious now. She may need to grab Santos and see if anyone could identify you. 

“Just the Zofran and a friendly Ambien, and I’ll be out of your hair.” You insist a little anxiously, and Dana narrows her eyes, disbelieving at you. 

Dana steps forward, she doesn’t touch you like she would have not long ago. But her love still oozes out of her like a kind mother figure who just wants what’s best for you. Her closer proximity has your mind reeling from memories. 

“Ya know there’s a lot of people here who love you?” The nurse reminds you and you hate how that makes your insides twist with guilt. 

“I know that’s why I used my maiden name and not my legal one.” You give back sass, and Dana snorts at that. 

“I hear you kiddo, alright. I’ll get the scripts filled. You still going to-”

“Yes, yes, and I even do acupuncture. My range of motion is still shit, and I’m doing fine. I promise.” You push back, and the blonde doesn’t like how hard you are trying to avoid this. 

“I’ll get your script, but I’m going to demand your current phone number. You ain’t no jane doe here babydoll.” Dana says and twists to Mohan, who is typing rapidly into the computer. 

It’s three hours later, and you are in horrible pain. 

You should have asked them to draw the curtain in front of the window. 

Because you see her, and your heart aches. 

As cheesy as it sounds, some people were just magnets to one another, and your ex…well, your separated wife and you - you were those assholes that could find one another in any lifetime. 

In any space, no matter how much time had passed. 

So when her eyes lifted, you knew you were in deep shit. 

In her scrubs, with that long hair falling out of her ponytail. She’s trying to figure it out. 

You can see her sixth sense turn up, she furrowed her brows and scanned the ER. 

Like when you know something is off in an area but can’t figure out just what it is. 

That’s when her eyes found you through the glass door - bingo. 

So many emotions pass through her features that you can’t even begin to unpack it. 

Cassie walks to your room so fast that you see the confusion on Robby. He’s taking off his glasses and watching what was more important than whatever medical marvel he was about to impart on his resident. 

But your wife was already zoned in on you.

Doctor McKay opened the door to find you sitting up. 

“Hi.” You say lamely. 

And Cassie's face shatters into rage once more.

“Hi? That’s it?” She questions, and you really wish you had driven the extra time to another ER. 

There’s a reason you said 5 on your painscale. 

It’s because leaving Cassie, your wife, your best friend and soulmate. 

That was the real 10. 

The pain, the nerves exploding like fireworks and then burning like acid. Making it impossible for you to do basic tasks, to hold objects, to sleep. 

Well everyday of that was nothing over a 5.

The upset you see reflected in the woman who refused to give you a divorce, not that was real pain. 

“Cassie, please let's not do this.” You say weakly, you're so tired. 

But she’s grabbing her badge and scanning it into the computer to pull up your chart. Her jaw grinding, just like you remembered, keeping all that tension in her neck and jaw. God, you wondered if you were the reason she would need PT. 

Her eyes scan your chart as if you’d cheated on her. 

“I’d love to do this later, but you changed your phone number and moved, so I’ve been trying to track you down for three months like an idiot. You- you used your maiden name to check in? God! I can’t believe you!” Cassie shouts and people outside are curious now. 

Robby seems to be debating going in and breaking this up, but it seems the part of him that really believed you two were perfect for each other was holding him at bay. 

“Cassie, please, I just need some Zofran and some sleeping meds. I’ll be out of your hair.” The dark rings around your eyes and shaky frame don’t make Cassie back down. 

If anything, it amps her up. 

“I don’t want you out of my hair, I never did! You're the one who moved out! Harrison sets a god damn placemat for you for dinner every night. I can’t bring myself to wash the sheets. I’m still in our marriage, holding my breath until you come home!” She insists, wearing the gold chain you bought her on your first anniversary like they were dog tag, a way to identify the wreckage of your love. 

You couldn’t bring yourself to look at the two rings hanging loosely at the bottom. 

“Cassie, please.” You close your eyes and try to keep yourself steady through the constriction in your hands. 

“I’m your wife - I’m supposed to take care of you! What are you doing here without-”

“I don’t want your medical insurance, I don’t want you to watch me like this-I just want-”

“That’s not how love works!” Cassie shouts so loud that you feel queasy. 

Dana and Robby walked in with fear, and you wondered which one was assigned to Cassie. 

Dana’s hand fell onto her shoulder, and she twisted out of it. 

It seemed Cassie hadn’t allowed anyone outside of Harrison to touch her, hug her - go near her since you. 

Cassie McKay, who had witnessed carnage and despair every shift, hadn’t been able to cry since you’d left. 

Harrison had taken to making his mother food in bed, but she didn’t eat, and couldn’t sleep. 

You look away from the dramatic show of your failed marriage.

“Robby, I just need my meds refilled. It’s a weekend, I can’t get my provider to do it. I’ve been throwing up all last night, I can’t keep liquids down, and I can’t sleep. Please,” You insist, and your former mentor is looking at you more like you a father. He’d been so proud of you when you’d become a doctor. 

Now look at you. 

“Where’ve you been?” He whispers, like things could go backwards, and they can’t. 

Mohan walks in with a white baggie with your scripts. 

You reach out to grab them, but Cassie is faster, and not in the physical pain you are. 

“Mrs. McKay, it seems we are having some issues with your paperwork.” She snarls, and your head is pounding, but you still drop it down regretfully. 

“Cassie, you can’t keep me here.” You whine back. 

“I think this is a place I can actually, since I can’t keep you in our home or marriage.”

“McKay,” Robby warns, but your wife would rather lose her medical license than let you slip out of her grip again. 

But you bring your chin up indignantly. 

“What’s the plan, Cass?” You fight back. 

“I can think of a few things.” She warns, a fire in her eyes, and you actually laugh maliciously and the whole room is afraid. 

“Cassie, why can’t you just let me go? You take care of people all day long, and you see the whole world in pain. Is it not a kindness to save you one more patient?” Your face contorts, and your wife is shaking her head. 

A hollow shell of her former self, you’d carved out all of her insides, and now all she had left was this wilted part of a person. 

“You weren’t my patient, you never were.” She whispers, and whatever was left of your heart sinks into your empty, sour stomach. 

“It’s not fair to Harrison or you to do this. To watch me struggle to open a can of soda or write my name. I was a surgeon and now I can’t even write my name! Do you get that? Why can’t you two live a big, beautiful life? And let me shrivel up and die in mine? I’m giving you an out. I release you! I’m not holding you to your vows! Don’t you see that? You can’t save me now! There’s nothing for you here! So go!  Go fix cars, tell Harrison he can’t watch scary movies, and-and take him to baseball games! You still have a life worth living! Books and bath nights and bad Chinese food in bed! You are the easiest person in the world to love. And it’s the best thing in the world to love you! So let me do this for you! Let me go!” You shout back, spit flying and tears rolling.

A need for her to understand now, begging like you negotiating a terrorist exchange. One soul for another. 

And all of that is somehow so much worse to Cassie.

Who’s staring at you like she’s never been more terrified in her whole life. 

If you told her you’d hated the way she made pancakes, or that she was inconsiderate to the way you sorted books by color not author - well all of that she could work on.

As Cassie trembled in front of you.

At a complete loss for what to do next. 

 If you told her you’d fallen out of love with her - that would be fine. 

Cassie could love you enough for you both.

“Mohan, let’s give them a moment please.” Robby says, unable to aid in this fight. But able to do what he does best, and give his patients a little dignity.

He uses the door open, and Moahn scurries out with a new lease on what love looks like.

Dana, however, stands there, tears she can’t hide fall. No matter how much she gives a stiff upper lip.

And none of them are in your peripheral.

Because Cassie is unblinking, gaping at you. 

You stare at each other in this moment that can’t be undone. 

“Sign the papers, let me go. I never would hold this against you. You didn’t do this to me, none of this is your fault.” You reason, you are repeating the things you say late at night when you scream into the pillow.

When all you want to do is grab your phone and dial the love of your life’s number.

Beg her to come to you.

To hold you until you can’t tell where her body begins and yours ends. Somehow in that hole - your pain won’t feel so colossal. 

But instead just a thing that Cassie can help hold with you, because pain shared by two isn’t so heavy. 

Cassie’s face twitches, and you see something charge.

“Nurse Dana, I believe we might need a psyche hold. Can you get a social worker in here for a 5150?” The way her tone turns icy has you laughing.

“Cassie, come on, don’t do this.” Dana tries to ease into the conversation. 

But Cassie’s not afraid of the repercussions. No, she’s seen what scares her most, and it’s not gonna happen again. 

“You don’t get to quit! You have a life still! A little boy who asks me every day where you are! You have a full life! I’m not being selfish, stop it!” Cassie screams at you as you shake your head.

“You are!” You shout

“No you are!” Cassie talks ontop of you.

“Why because I want you to-“

“To live without you! YES!”

Robby comes back in and claps his hands to stop you both.

“Doctor McKay, you cannot treat this patient. Because you are still legally married, it’s a conflict of interest.” He says, and Cassie looks ready to hit him so Dana comes closer.

Then Robby turns to you, ready to lose his shit.

“I’m not afraid to-” He stops himself and seems to reconsider. Going to grab the privacy curtain to the entire ER unit staring at the show instead of working it seemed. 

Yanking it closed so that there was the illusion of privacy. 

Then he collected himself and turned to you once more. 

“Let’s pretend for a moment that you are in the room with the woman who ordained your wedding, the old man you made go into therapy - who gave you away I might add. And your wife who loves you and who’s falling apart at the seems without you. Now let’s all take a god damn breath. No more threatening,” He points his finger at Cassie who’s not afraid of him. 

Then spins it to you in that pale hospital bed with just as much strength. 

“And no more running away. You guys gotta work this out, and you are the asshole who told me to open up and sort my shit. I’m your mentor, with or without a scalpel in your hand. You might not be a doctor at this hospital anymore, but I’m still the boss of you.” He says in that Dad way that actually warms you if it wasn’t so damn annoying right now. 

“If you put me in a psych ward, Robby, I will come for you.” You mean it too.

“Don’t make me do it, and we’ll all be fine. I’m gonna pull the oldest trick in the book.” He puts his hands up like he’s done with this, and Dana immediately understands the plan. She pushes the curtain back and twists the knob. 

The two of them walk out of the room, and just as you thought it couldn’t get more juvenile. 

Robby waves at the security guard and pushes a rolly-chair to the door. 

“Zidan, these two are officially on lockdown. You are to stand guard until they play nice.” He says and the security guard actually has the nerve to smirk in. 

“Sorry, McKays,” he says but looks nonapologetic. As he plops down to keep watch. 

Dana knocks on the glass and then eyes Cassie. 

“Fix this, nobody's leavin’ this room until you do. Ya know how badly we need beds and Docs. But Robby and I are out here savin' lives while you two gotcha head up your asses! Fix it!” She says, and the two practically look ready to high-five one another while they walk off. 

The clock on the wall is loud. 

You sign and start to problem solve. 

“Tell me Baran is on shift?” You ask, and Cassie twists with so much venom to you that you think she might actually implode. 

“You on first name with Al-Hashimi now?” It’s like she’s a dog with all her hackles up. 

You roll your eyes, but lie back in the seat and try to ground as the nerve pain makes it feel like pins and needles all down your side. 

“You were always so jealous; you never had to worry.” You say taking a deep breath in and out for ten. 

Cassie eyes the white Chucks you wore here, the ones she bought for you last summer. They’re worn and beat up, and a little too gruny now. 

You reached into your pocket for you phone and started to scroll through your texts. You admittedly don’t have to go far.  

“You are not about to call me overly jealous and ring Al-Hashimi in the same moment.” Her hands went up in an absolute possessive posture. 

“Relax, she helped get me consults with different Occupational Therapists.” You reason and start to type. Your thumb is shaking and it’s hard to hold the phone, but you don’t ask for help; you can’t. Not now. 

“I know plenty of occupational therapists, just so you know,” Cassie says, resentful as hell but grabs the physician chair in the room and sits on it, her sneakers rocking just enough that she inches towards your bed. 

You put your hand on your stomach and feel the nausea move again. Locking your phone halfway through the text. Unable to finish it. 

You shut your eyes tight and will yourself not to dry heave; you have nothing left to puke. 

Cassie is rustling around until she finds the bag she’d ripped from poor Mohan’s hand. Opening the orange bottle and peeling back the silver foil is not meant for anyone with a physical limitation like yours. 

Still, her fingers move skillfully until she grabs two Zofran tabs, and stands up over you. 

You crack open one eye to see her closer than she’d been in months to your face. 

“This isn’t a snow white thing, you're in the wrong fairytale.” You joke and normally, she would have laughed at something so dumb, but her humor left when she found your note on the kitchen table. So not even a small grin came from your older wife. 

“Zofran, open up.” She tells you and you stall for a moment but you are desperate. So you open your mouth and she drops it under your tongue. 

You make a grossed out face at the taste, never one for it, and Cassie already has your water cup in her non-dominant hand. 

“Small sips,” The Dr says, like you don’t already know the drill. But still she helps you sit up and take a little bit of water in. 

You swallow and shiver; it’s just an instant reaction, you can’t hide it from her.

So when Cassie grabs the bunched-up blankets at the end of the bed and lifts it over your closed body, you don’t fight her. 

Fuck you want to, if you were stronger, you would. 

“You don’t have to do this.” You mumble, hating how much you miss this. 

“It’s literally the only thing I’ve wanted to do in the past three months, so can you just let me?” Cassie's tone is tired; she doesn’t want to fight you anymore. But she also won’t back down an inch. 

Your phone vibrates under the covers, and you lift it up just enough to see Baran text you.

“Is that your girlfriend?” Cassie’s not joking; she’s actually turning green real time. 

You open it and see ‘I’m not letting you out, so don’t even try.’

“Yeah, looks like we broke up.” You say back and close the phone. 

Cassie doesn’t find that funny; her hands linger on the edge of your bed, she doesn’t sit. It’s too far from you now. 

“Are you….” She stops herself, and you open one eye again. 

“Please tell me you weren’t about to ask if I was-”

“It’s not an unfair question,” Cassie interjects, seeming a bit rushed in her defense. 

“You think I leave you because I’m too much to take care of, and then what? Start on Christian Mingle the next day? Farmers Only? Plenty of Fish?” You fight back, and Cassie is grinding her jaw again. 

You don’t hit the nerve, you tongue fuck it. 

You two have never fought like this, not this long, and not this hard. The biggest fight you ever had was over Harrison watching Chucky. Because you were sure it wasn’t that scary, and Cassie had been very right. So very right. 

 And the three of you had all slept out on the sofa that night because you and the middle schooler were not about to go it alone. 

“I’m your wife I get to ask.” Cassie insisted, but seemed to be hating the question more and more the longer it was discussed. 

You put your arm over your eyes, hiding in the crook of your elbow to block out the massive headache. 

“No, Cass, I’m not shagging a senior attending of the hospital, nor am I looking for hot singles in my area. I just want some sleep and not to feel like I’m the star of the film Vertigo. That’s it.” You say back a little too harshly. 

You had never spoken this way to her, and it wasn’t easy to keep the sweet woman at arm's length. 

Cassie had this butch mommy vibe that made her both strong and able to fix anything from the sink to your bruised knee. While being a completely warm place to land and always knowing what to say. 

It was the perfect combo.

It made it impossible in the past to keep secrets from her, because the second you learned something in the Pitt’s gossip ring, you had to tell her. 

Cassie was your best friend, your home, the person you would hide the call to hide the body. 

And trying not to crawl into her arms and weep after three months of working so hard not to break was taking Herculean strength that you didn’t have. 

The clock on the wall ticked on. 

“They can’t keep you in here for the rest of your shift.”

“I was off in twenty minutes; it’s actually very easy for them to do this.”

“They’ll need the bed.”

“You do remember who we’re discussing right, Mr. Break the Rules and Mrs. Hula Hoop over there would pick up this hospital on their backs and move it ten feet if you needed them to.”

You didn’t mean to smile into your elbow but you could so see them doing it. 

“Anyone here would for you…” Cassie said so softly you swore you hadn’t heard her right. 

Cassie’s footsteps make you panic, and you jerk your face out of your elbow, only to see her walk to the door and flick off the lights. 

But she saw you too quickly for you to hide; her hands lifted a bit. 

“Hey, easy, it’s just you and me. I know the lights are a lot.” Cassie reasoned and then pulled the privacy curtain again. Eyeing you, she questioned, “Better?”

You sighed and lay back down. 

“How long have you been without liquids?” Cassie tried to be a doctor now, and you almost wanted her to. At least that had questions and answers, easier than what you two were being asked to do. 

“I tried to drink a Pedialyte this morning, but I couldn’t keep it down.”

Cassie waited a second, but she wasn’t strong enough not to keep going. 

“What about those vanilla shakes?” She pressed more gently this time

“The Ensure ones are gross.” You remember but Cassie is shaking her head, sitting back down on the small stool. 

“No, the ones I got with the cow on them? Fairlife or whatever, those and the chocolate sea salt aloha ones? You drank those.” Cassie insists, and you think for a second. 

“Those were good, I couldn’t remember their names.” You admit, a bit shy now. Cassie thinks for another moment. 

“Any food in the last twenty-four hours.”

“I, I didn’t have the energy to make anything.”

Cassie tries not to comment or make it worse, but her face is so easy for you to read. 

“Where are you staying?” It’s the question she’s been dying to ask, but only knew you might actually answer. 

You look at the door and then back at her. 

“You promise to not go all ankle monitor on me?”

“No.” Cassie says back so quick you actually want to laugh. 

“It’s not anything for you to flip about.”

“I’ll decide that when you answer; until then consider me flipable.” Cassie’s answer is so fast you hate how witty she can be. But you see the fear still there. 

“Garcia has a furnished in-law unit in her basement and-”

Cassie stood up so fast the chair scooted across the room with it’s wheels. 

She pushed past the curtain, went to the door, and pounded on the glass. 

“YOLANDA! SOMEONE GET ME YOLANDA!”

You wince and try and sit up. 

“Cassie oh my god stop!” You really don’t want the cops to come in. Cassie and cops didn’t ever mix. 

Her hair flips as she turns to you again. 

“They are going to need a god damn straight jacket for me when i’m done with her, the ankle monitor is going to look like child's play!”

You rolled your eyes but Cassie turned back to pounding on the glass and making a fuss. Even the security guard seemed sorta scared, he waived the nurse over but she was already taking her glasses off and walking towards the angry Doctor. 

“YOLANDA GARCIA, COME AND FIGHT ME YOU HOMEWRECKER!” Cassie said, showing she had been raised to fight for what she loved with more than her intelligence. 

Dana walked up to the glass like you two were in some sort of aquarium for lesbians gone wild. 

She pounded on the glass and it scared the butch lesbian fish enough for her to make a face. 

“Do not make me come in there! I got all night, McKay!” Dana said and you felt for the woman, someone probably called out. And she didn’t need two insane lesbians in her unit. 

“Down girl.” The security guard said sitting back down. Loving the drama he was overhearing. 

“Cassie, come over here, please?” You asked, and it stopped Cassie from mean-mugging Dana in their little stare. 

She pushed the curtain closed again and walked back to you. 

“So you and-”

“No, oh my god - if anything, you should feel sorry for me. I’ve been hearing her hook up and then do her like primal scream workout stuff.” You cringe at the memory of it all, and Cassie’s shoulders lower just an inch. 

“Sleep,” she says through gritted teeth, trying to get the basic questions done. All while planning a murder in her mind. 

“I can’t…I can’t sleep without you.” You admit, and it’s too honest. But your so tired, and you can’t keep this up right now. 

Cassie does her little head tilt, her bangs falling just a bit in the same way Harrison did when he told you he loved you. 

You missed your home, you missed your family. 

You don’t know you are crying until Cassie boldly reaches out and wipes the tears away. 

Like it’s her job to do so, and you’d tried to fire her, but it came so easily. 

Cassie loved to take care of you, and you’d put up such a stink even before your health declined. 

“I won’t be a burden to you.” You retaliate, but Cassie’s leaning over your bed with hope for the first time, and you can’t figure out why. 

She must see how you're running out of steam, running out of fight. 

“You never were. You can fight me as much as you’d like. I’m not signing those papers, I’m not giving up. And I will never take an out. I meant my vows-” Cassie says, and you twist to try and get away from her but she’s just as stubborn as you. 

“I promise to be your best friend.” Cassie’s voice is strong and you hate that she is really going to recite your vows while your laying in a hospital bed. 

Cassie is practically crawling on top of you, trapping you under her strong body. 

“Stop.” You whisper, but the tears aren’t listening and neither is your wife. 

“To always help you when you can’t see the way-”

“Stop.” You say again, but her hands fall to your hips, and god you hate how good it feels to be touched so gently. 

“-To cherish you for all of my days-”

“Cassie, stop it.” You insist, but your face turns to see how much she means it. That her own tears well with the undying love she is trying to tell you she has. 

“-To be your rock in a storm, to always keep you warm.”

You're both unable to hold back tears, and it’s so god damn good to have her holding your sides now. You can’t lie anymore, or be selfless - Cassie’s trying to say the words. But she’s struggling not to lose her damn mind with how hard she aches for you. 

“I promise to love you-”

You can’t take it, one of her tears falls onto your face and it’s got the weight of the ocean behind it. 

“-in every way……” 

You close your eyes, and you can see her so pure. Standing at the alter, in her white button-down suit. Beaming at you like you hung the moon just for her. 

You open your eyes and it’s the same Cassie. 

She’s struggling to speak, but she powers through her promise.

“In-n-in every day.”

You break. 

You sit up through the pain and wrap your arms around her neck. 

Cassie doesn’t wait a millisecond before her arms wrap around you like she can carry you out of this hospital and walk right home. 

“I-I’m so scared.” You whimper into her neck. 

“I’ve got you, baby, be scared with me. Be scared and let me help.” She insists, and her hold is just right. Just like the doctor is, she’s cradling your body, and it’s not too tight that it hurts you. And not so soft that you feel made of glass. 

You're trying to breathe in her scent and it’s mixed with hospital, but you can still inhale her. 

“I-I don’t want to lean on you too much, I don’t want to make it harder for you-you worked so hard to be a doctor, to be a mom-I don’t want to take too much.” You say honestly, but Cassie’s right hand comes to hold the back of your head in that way that makes your whole body relax. 

It does the trick, damn her. 

“You don’t see how much you help me. How I feel invincible when I stand next to you. How much you help me be a better Mom. How much Harrison soaks up your love. How much he finds confidence in your praise. I know you can’t do surgery right now. But there’s so much more to this life, I know you loved it. But fuck baby we’ll find you a new dream.” Cassie promises you with such conviction that it feels attainable. 

You need her to never stop holding you. 

“I wanted to be good for you..”You whisper, and she makes an angry tisk.

“Don’t be good for me, be with me. Be sad or mad, be fucking in pain. Tell me, I spent three months imagining all the worst-case scenarios. Let me schedule the occupational therapists, let me fight with you. Don’t ever hide from me.” Cassie’s so fierce in her desire to walk this path with you that you don’t know how to say no. 

“I’m so tired, I-I don’t want to work so hard anymore.” You hate how defeated you sound, but it’s true. 

Cassie makes an odd movement and you pull back just enough to see her climbing on the tiny bed. 

But she maneuvers you easily, all muscle and love for you. 

That somehow you're being lifted until you lie on top of her chest. She grabs at the blanket again and you're being covered. 

Your eyes feel heavy, no longer nauseous from the Zofran and physically exhausted from the heartbreak. 

“Close your eyes.”

“We’re in timeout.” You remind her, but your eyes shut on command. Cassie always had that power over your body. 

“I’ll wake you in a bit, once the Zofran is in you enough for me to drive you home.” Your wife reasons, so you don’t feel too guilty for keeping the bed. 

“Why are you so comfy?” You grumble. 

“I was made to be your big spoon,” Cassie says in your hair and then kisses your head. Her hands work under the blankets towards your lower back, where you try to compensate for the pain. She’s able to work at the knots just enough to get you to melt further. 

“You play dirty.”

“You’ve been gone three months, you should see how dirty I’m gonna play.” She reminds you, and you giggle a little. You're getting too close to sleep now. 

“Clean the sheets.” You mumble into her boob. 

“Promise to sleep naked again in our bed, and I’ll buy a new goddamn mattress if you want.” Cassie's voice is lower; it rumbles in her chest and you are practically purring. Her breathing makes your body rise and fall so soothingly. 

“I want Chinese.” You say, but your lip is already drooling a little, you don’t have long for this conversation. 

“We’ll eat it seven nights a week when you're home.” Cassie’s touching your body, and even though the nerves in your arm are still uncomfortable. And you didn’t even get your Ambien. 

You feel more at ease than you have since you left. 

“I want my ring back.” You say and yawn, and Cassie's smiling in the dark. She’s never heard a better sentence in her whole life. 

“It’s yours.” She promises.

“I think it’s a two now.” You murmur against her scrubs. 

“Yeah, not so bad?” Cassie asks, knowing the pain was probably still a seven, but at least you could sleep. She always knew the real number it seemed. 

“S’not so scary now.” You admitted, and your wife's heart beat faster. 

“Yeah?” She asked, but you were already out. 

The monitors and hospital moved outside, people in pain, and people in their worst moments. 

But as Cassie held onto you with all her strength, it was clear that pain was a matter of perspective. 

As she kissed your head and you dreamt of sweet things, Cassie eyed the pain chart on the wall. Smirking at the green simile face, yeah, pain shared was much easier indeed. 

Lol hi friend, tell me what number you are on the chart 😂😂😂