From a Restless Heart

On a Monday I rapid tested positive for Covid. The previous Thursday my husband rapid tested for positive Covid. The previous Tuesday, we were informed that we were a close contact. My husband started out with a slight headache. Then a fever. Then a very sore throat. By Sunday, he couldn’t swallow so I had to take him to the ER where they gave him steroids to help with the swelling. This greatly helped. Later in the afternoon after my positive rapid test, I started to get congestion. I’m now on day 3 and have had no change no symptoms. Only congestion, caught from congestion and sneezing. No fever, no headache, no chills, no body aches, no cough, no breathing problems, no fatigue or tiredness. I have noticed what I am calling COVID rage but that might all just been depression and anxiety. I hate being at home. I also want to resign as caretaker for everyone. I want to spend time alone in a house all by myself and not deal with anyone. Maybe even start a new life?

It’s definitely been a while since I’ve posted. Mostly because I haven’t been in a funk about anything, even during the whole two year pandemic, well until yesterday anyway. Going back to work after Thanksgiving Break was especially hard this year. There is nothing I can exactly pinpoint that caused this. Maybe it’s just that I feel spread so thin? Yesterday also wasn’t exactly difficult, just disappointing really. A student intentionally stole from another student. Since I’ve been at my current school, this is the first time it’s happened. No one came forward, not even to say they saw who did it. Dealing with the COVID guidelines completely sucks. Having to tell parents that they have to get their student tested bc they are showing symptoms sucks. Parents that intentionally take their children to school sucks. Being short staffed and having interviews scheduled that don’t show up sucks. Then at the end of the day, I get a message that a student claimed another student intentionally cut their school uniform pants 😳 WTF kids? I was going to lead a STEM curriculum this week but now I will haven to cancel it because it’s too hard for me to lead anything when I may have to put out fires. It’s FOR SURE not the most wonderful time in schools.

Since my dad died at the end of May of 1995, I haven’t had many dreams of him. I’ve always kind of wondered why because it not like I don’t think about him. I also can’t recall many memories about him since I was 10 when he passed. I feel like I should remember more. But a lot of that might be due to resentment. I had a very odd dream about him last night. I don’t know if this was interpretation, but I get the feeling that he knew this was only a dream and that the moment wasn’t going to last long. He was sitting on a couch. I leaned in and put my arms around him the best I could and said “I miss you so much.” He didn’t embrace me back and said “I know”. Then I immediately woke up. Why didn’t he hug me back? Shame is the only think I can think of. I getting chocked your now just thinking about it. You know, when your throat tightens up and you can’t even swallow upset? I wish I could understand more of this little interaction. I also want to understand why now? To add to this, when I was gardening in my back yard, I heard a loud buzzing pass me and I automatically assumed it was a carpenter bee because those things sound like a mini helocopter.... I turn around and it’s a hummer bird, fluttering, looking at me and hovering. Then it slowly got closer. I said well hello and then it flew away.... weird. Just weird.

I am not okay right now. I found out that the Community Colleges have decided they are only doing online classes in the fall. This does not mean anything good for my program since we run out of the school districts campus’. I miss my kids. I miss hugging them. I miss seeing them. I miss talking to them face to face They were my world. They were my fulfillment. They were my life, and now I’m worried and know at the back of my mind, that some of them, I won’t see again, and for others, it won’t be the same. I’m so worried my program won’t run on the fall. I’m worried I won’t have a job, I’m worried I will fall into a deeper depression. I’m just worried and lost my sense of hope for the moment. What do I do?

I’m having so many mixed emotions this week. I’ve love being my job because I felt needed, that I was making an impact, I was contributing, I was seeing student and staff development and successes. It was fulfilling. Now I feeling I have nothing to contribute. I’m fearful. I worried about people judging me because I want to take care of my health first. It’s all innertermoil which is slowly churning the anxiety and trauma of my PTSD. Im feeling not good enough and I’m not sure what I can do to not feel this way. I guess if I lived closer to the community I work in I would be more available. If I didn’t have horrible asthma this year I wouldn’t be scared to be in public and volunteer my services more. If I didn’t have someone living at my home that is considered a “higher risk” and I only had to worry about my health, I would be less fearful.

I’ve been trying to keep busy and positive since this shelter in place was issued. I knew I was going to go crazy. Before all this happened, I had a three day weekend with nothing to do and went absolutely nuts. I have also been keto since January and I’ve tried to remain strong with that commitment but when you slowly become depressed being under house arrest, you need something comforting. It may be different if I could count down the days till this is all over but there is no end in sight yet. The cabin fever hit me two days ago and I can’t shake it. All I want is chocolate, ice cream and all the restaurant food just to try and have some normalcy. It’s hard to watch TV shows because I just feel jealous of the people casually dining at restaurants, hanging out with friends, going to the movies, ect. I can be a dramatic person from time to time for sure, especially when my anxiety kicks in, but this is just a new form of anxiety. The positive of that is I’m not down on myself for once because this is all way beyond my control. I’m also not a very social person outside of work (I come home emotionally and socially drained by the time I get home because of it), but even when I have time to myself at home, I enjoy going out shopping alone. Now that’s not an option. My asthma is the worst it’s even been and I’m too paranoid now to do that, even for essentials. I can understand people’s hoarding as everytime you leave your house you are exposing yourself to potentially get the virus.

Yesterday was disappointing. I found out that one of my staff I thought I had a good relationship with has been bad mouthing me to parents and staff at the school. This caught me completely off guard as this is the same person that I purchased that 60 dollar costume for her daughter.... she has been saying that I am a hippogrite, biast, and treat white students way better than other races. That I am ungrateful that she works for me and I am rude to both her and the other Latinx staff member. That my nephew only got into the program because he is my nephew and can do whatever he wants without consequences.... and it goes on. Last night I went through all the emotions of death. First I was in denial and numb. Then I was angry, then sad. I feel so betrayed and I don’t know what she has to gain from any of this, and I know this all has to deal with her own insecurities, pride and self confidence, but why attack me? I know a toxic person is always going to be toxic and there really is no rhyme or reason behind it. She had also been telling people she wants to quit.... and I caught wind of this before winter break and had a conversation with her letting her know what I heard from the rumor mill and stated that she has no obligation to stay. She only came back bc I asked her two temporarily and then she insisted she wanted to stay the rest of the year. She didn’t own up to anything during that conversation. People need to learn they are in charge of their own happiness no matter how many excuses you make or point that blame at someone else and if you have an issue with someone, you need to have a direct conversation with them. Everything is out of my hands now bc apparently she’s been bad mouthing many people at the school so now since the admin need to get involved, everything is out of my hands and they do not want me to have a conversation with her yet. I’m not sure how this is gonna go down but I feel that she will deny everything and then immediately quit which at this point is needed. I DO NOT need to deal with anymore toxicity in my life. Either support me or GTFO ✌️

Nothing says supportive relationship like your husband demanding you to “calm down” when you are having an anxiety attack....

I’m so mentally exhausted. It’s hard to sleep because of the large amount of stress I deal with constantly throughout my work day. Because I’ve been dealing with this for 8 years straight, I cannot remember what it feels like to finish a work day, enjoy the rest of my night, actually get a good nights rest and wake up welcoming the next work day. It’s not like retail or an office where the mundane rountines that aren’t completed are just continued the next day. It’s unfinished problems and complications that continue the next day that give me high anxiety. Managing people is very stressful let alone managing children and then dealing with parents. Dealing with everyone’s wants and needs while setting aside my own wants and needs is burning me out. I’ve been trying to live by ‘doing your best’ does not mean working yourself to a mental breakdown” but it’s just so complicated in the position I’m in. I think I’m just ready for a change.

My friend that is the college and career director at a community college sent me a job posting I would be perfect for at LMC for a art studio coordinator. The pay would also be an increase to what I currently make plus more benefits compared to the non-profit world. I was up front and honest with my supervisors about applying for the position and you know what? They wrote me letters of recommendation which makes me feel even more guilty because no matter what, they want what is best for me, which is really just a weird feeling. They are reviewing applications the week of the 18th and then setting up interviews from there. We will see what happens.

Tonight pretty much cemented never being around my oldest sister in law. My husband’s uncle and aunt are in town and yesterday was his birthday. My mother in law suggested going out to eat with the whole family to celebrate. Mind you, I typically get off work at 6:30 and would meet them at the restaurant. We were supposed to meet at 7:00 pm. I was a little late but this was sort of expected. 25 minutes roll by and the SIL is no where to be seen so we agree to get in line to worker. She and her family arrives while in line and then refuses to order with us. Then sits down at the table barely talking to anyone. I feel the worst for my niece because she’s in a hard place having a psychopath as a mother and feeling like she can only interact with us when her mother is not watching. Then we all get up to leave and she doesn’t say anything. My husband won a toy out of the crane machine so when my niece said bye I asked if she wanted it and she took it. I didn’t see the exchange afterwards but I guess her mother was upset that she accepted the stupid toy from me and probably made her discard it. I wish she would’nt be such a cunt and go see someone. Therefore I just don’t have a desire to be anywhere around this toxicity.

Many of the families I work with are very low income. Many, for Halloween, wear the same costume year after year. Growing up I was fortunate to have a very creative mother and aunt who made all our costumes by hand. Anything I wanted to be; Peter Pan, princess, bride, vampire, bopeep... but now even trying to buy faberic isn’t any cheaper than going to the damn Halloween store and just purchasing a costume. Last year, one of my students wore the same costume as the year before, but she lost her pirate hat. I still had a dollar store one that I had purchased for our student store so I gave one to her because come on, a pirate isn’t a pirate without a hat! She lit up with joy and that little action made her whole day. The mom was also SO appreciative. This year, my staff that I begged to come back to work with me mentioned that her daughter really wants a new costume but she cannot afford it as it’s just as much as her phone bill. I love this family so much and they are going through a real hard time right now. I went out and bought the 60 dollar costume plus a wand and I’m just going to act like it was donated. My soon to be sister in law has been asking for costume donations to do a costume exchange this Saturday at the schools fall fest. My staff member had asked if I thought she would let her daughter have a first look before handing things out. Therefore I will have it rigged. I’m excited to see how excited she gets and I don’t want the credit. I just want her to have one happy moment in the shit storm her family is going through. My husband went with me tonight to purchase the costume 💯 percent supportive and even suggested getting the wand 💕 I don’t want her to feel she owes me either so I figured this would be the best way. It’s honesty the least I can do for the family that does so much for me and the program.

So..... I was very close to that mental breakdown Thursday. We have enrolled a student from Honduras into our program and things were going fine because I was able to place her with a bilingual staff member. During regular day, I believe mostly due to the language barrier, the student is destructive, throwing chairs, pushing desks, or runs away outside and hides in bushes refusing to communicate to anyone. It’s had because I know the student is frustrated and scared because this is a completely new environment but then we discovered this is the same behavior she had while in school in Honduras. One day she absolutely refused to come into our program and refused to communicate with any staff member including the school proncipal and staff. This went on from 1:20 pm until 3:00 pm (meaning that a staff member or myself had to keep an eye on her) when my supervisor was able to get her to at least come to our office. My supervisor then called the mom and stated that this is a serious safety concern and if it happened again, we would need to remove her from program. Then this happened again Thursday. When the students mother started ignoring our calls, my staff left a message that she needed to pick up her student or she was dropped from program. No response, no call back, no pick up. My supervisor then went back on her word and said well, she probably won’t be dropped from program. Ummm what? You expect me, who is short staffed, to continue to do this song and dance of supervising this one student and forget all the other responsibilities I have during program hours to run program??? Come again?? This day I was being pulled in so many directions as I have MANY students with social emotional needs and only really having myself to do EVERYTHING for the students and staff with no other resources. I felt a panic attack coming on. I felt weak. I felt like leaving. I felt like crying. I had alll these emotions inside me and I had to maintain my composure because what other option did I have? My supervisor did not come to help me. At the end of the day I text my admin stating me need to talk at some point because I’m struggling and just probably need to vent. Come the next day, Friday, my supervisor then called me asking me what I wanted to do about the student. Not ONCE before this did she ask how I was feeling or try to get a general understand of how absolutely burnt out I am. So I told her. She then stated if it happened again she would need to be dropped. Again, once school let out, the same thing. At least she went with the principal after school but even then, the principal has other things to do so a teacher then took her, on her OWN time, to help us monitor her and eventually got her into the classroom. The mom again ignored my supervisors calls. Again, this is just the tip of the iceberg of the concerns I need to discuss. Typically my admin thinks that I contacted him only about this situation, which helped trigger my conversation with him but does not fully cover my concerns or feelings. I hope he doesn’t think this is the end because it’s not.

This year has been especially rough. I feel as if I’m spread too thin. I work over the amount of hours I’m paid for. I am being micromanaged because of previous asshats that took advantage of our freedoms. This is hard especially with my PTSD from past micromanagement systems. I guess the micromanaging systems might benefit me In the future because it is documenting ALL the overtime I work and do NOT get paid for. I believe this is something the admin did not even think about. I am short staffed and because of that my assistant is constantly with a group of students. I haven’t yet had a mental break down but I feel if I keep going like this, it’s bound to happen. I even told my direct supervisor that at this point, I can even find a better paying position. Yup, in front of my co-workers. It’s my current I don’t give a fuck attitude because no one gives a fuck about me. It just sucks because I really love my school, I love my teachers, I love my students, I love my staff AND I even love my parents. Which is one of the only two reasons I stay. I have thought about getting my teaching credential but it wouldn’t put me in a better position because the teacher in the district may need to strike in October. Our education system is still broken. Al I can do it take it one day at a time.

Over the weekend, my classroom was broken into. The custodian called me at 6:30 am just to let me know that she reported it to the cops. In the past, I would have been panicking and accepting blame for this incident but I was cool calm and collected telling myself “whatever was taken was just stuff”. Luckily and to my surprise, nothing of value was taken, let alone anything. I really lucked out and I’m glad my mind is not thinking backwards.