get out of my life

this is how the two of them have always operated. kian is like a balloon, one that flails and floats around when not bound to something. nicky is often the anchor who keeps him still, even from afar. his mom has always told him that he needs a friend like that, someone that protects him from getting caught up in torrential winds that leave him in an endless state of aimless hovering.

he's often resented people for telling him that, for feeling like no one trusts him to take care of himself. however, this idol experience has him realizing that maybe he does need a stable support system, and that it's okay to need one. it doesn't make him any less strong for wanting a shoulder to lean on or for needing certain aid.

when nicky calls him tough, kian feels a herculean tug at his heartstrings, and sure, the exhaustion could be adding to his sensitivities right now, but even if he wasn't so tired he'd likely have a similar response to this specific compliment. "you think so?" he asks, trying to keep his voice level, albeit unsuccessfully. "i don't feel very tough right now, but i guess if you think i am, i'll trust you."

interrupting his feelings is nicky's joke, which makes kian laugh and distracts him from whatever doom-and-gloom that's storming in his head. "you'd need to launch the pebble really far... we're pretty high up. think you can do it?" there's a lilt to his tone that sounds almost taunting, as if he's posing a challenge, but he's not completely serious. "it would be impressive if you did. i don't think our managers could even be that mad about any disturbances if you pulled it off."

inhaling and exhaling deeply, kian feels more regulated than he did before calling nicky and he's so thankful, but that doesn't make the conversation any less bittersweet. "i know what you mean," he responds simply, dabbing the corners of his eyes. "i hope i'll be able to get a good night's sleep soon. i've never struggled with this before. ditching school and taking naps with you was like... my favorite hobby. i'd kill for one of those right now." smiling fondly, he feels the tension that was once in his shoulders unfurl, then he roars out a yawn.

a laugh is comforting to hear from kian. it brings a new smile to nicky's face and perhaps something familiar as they navigate a completely unfamiliar situation. "i'm pretty strong," nicky asserts, though he really isn't much of an athlete by any stretch of the imagination. "how high up are you again? oh, but if i have to throw it that hard, i'll probably crack your window. never mind then, i don't want you getting in trouble for that. they could take the new window out of your paycheck or something." it's not like nicky to dream up the impossible scenarios; perhaps that's why his ends a little abruptly, fading away as soon as he remembers reality and physics and the like.

there's a sort of peace between them that wasn't there before, somehow still able to be felt despite the physical distance. he hears kian sigh on the other end of the line and somehow knows it's a release, not a sign that he's still troubled. "if you get a day off let me know. i'll clear my schedule so we can stay in bed all day." it's the opposite of what nicky would normally want to do; skipping his obligations was never in his character. but he misses kian too, the spaces he used to physically be feeling larger and emptier than ever. he hears kian yawn and it brings him back to the present again. "sorry, are you tired?" as if nicky was the one who called, who's keeping kian up.

but kian insists that nicky talk more, and nicky can't bring himself to refuse. "alright. but hang up right after and go to sleep, okay? a couple hours of rest is better than none at all."

he tries to flip through his mental files of what the hell has he been up to these last few weeks, mentally crossing out the mundane or boring things and trying to find the tidbits that kian will be most interested in. "i went to the popup cafe your company was doing. the one with the talent show. ordered your menu... it was okay." he pauses, smiling again as he teases kian lightly as if he had anything to do with the recipe. "i participated too, actually. did a monologue. i think everyone hated it, since they didn't call me back." does the grimace on his lips reflect in his voice? nicky has always been hard on himself when it comes to his craft. maybe he could have done better on that stage. "exams are coming up and then it'll be summer break. most of my time right now is just preparing for that."

"i... y'know, that's a good question. i really don't know what's on my mind." putting his thoughts into words has always been difficult. he's much more in tune with the language his heart and soul speak. "everything, but also nothing at all. i feel so checked out, nicky." the admission brings out another deep breath, his body trying to calm his nervous system from spiking by forcing him to breathe. "i've been shuffled around so much, told to do so many things, and i do them, but i don't remember doing them. it's... freaking me out, kind of."

honestly speaking, he feels like a robot on autopilot. he's been programmed to follow certain orders and complete tasks, and that's it. however, what rouses even more of an emotional response from him is when nicky asks if he should come find him. normally, he'd answer yes, but he knows that that's not the correct answer here. he's still so early in his career, the managers still live with them in the dorm, and breaking rules or being irresponsible won't only give him consequences to deal with, but likely the entire group, too. "i don't think we can... or should."

"it's normal to be all out of sorts during a big change, right?" it's more of a reminder than a question, just nicky trying anything he can from the place he's in. "it's okay if it's hard right now. it sucks, i wish it was easier. but your whole life is different now and that's not a bad thing... just takes time to adjust to. you're tough, kian. you can get through this if you want to."

if you want to. nicky's not sure he should have let the words out the moment they escape from his lips. what if that undermines kian's courage? what if he poisons the other man's mind with his careless words with the accidental unspoken implication that kian doesn't really want this. that's not what he meant, and some rational part of him should know that kian would know him better than to assume any negativity, but the thought spiral takes form before nicky has the better sense to recognize it. let it pass, he tells himself, forcibly letting the thoughts go instead of allowing his mind to dwell on it.

"what if i just came and stood outside your dorm?" he suggests, a smile on his lips. it's ridiculous and nicky knows it, a waste of time for both of them. but nicky can be a little ridiculous for kian if it brings him a smile, some peace. "and i can call you again from there and we can pretend we're on a walk or something. or i can throw pebbles at your window and hope your neighbors won't hate me if i miss." okay, ryu nicky would never actually do that, but maybe the thought will make kian laugh. that's all he wants to hear right now.

kian is very overwhelmed. he can't remember the last time he's had a proper night's sleep. he's either pulling all-nights practicing, or he's kept awake by a hellish carousel of intrusive thoughts that he can't break-free from. whether he likes it or not, he's strapped in, and it's revolving motions make him so motion-sick that all he can really do is shut his eyes and let it pass. nothing has ever made him feel this way, and it scares him to experience the weight of his reality physically crushing him; his tired bones forced deep into the ground, and for some reason, he's much, much too exhausted to lift himself back up.

he's so tired that there are literal hours out of his days spent gazing out of windows, reverting back to an old habit of his he picked up while in school. back then, it was never easy for him to pay attention in class, and more often than not, if he didn't use his desk as a makeshift bed and his backpack as his pillow, his eyes glued to what was happening outside. stress has always forced him to use daydreaming as a means of self-soothing, making him the picture-perfect definition of an escapist. however, even his reveries have taken on a new form all of the sudden.

it's no longer pleasant to get lost in his imaginary worlds, as they've been tainted by his reality. kian feels like he has no place to run and hide anymore. it's terrifying.

it's late, and he knows he should be sleeping, but every time he's tried, he tosses and turns, and it's more frustrating than actually accepting the fact that he simply cannot stay still for longer than three minutes at a time, so he decides to get up. hoping he doesn't get in trouble, he makes his way outside; the springtime air feeling good against his skin. while he would hate to disturb him, the only thing he can think about doing right now is calling nicky. it's been awhile since they'd talked, and somehow, nicky has a way about him that helps calm kian down.

digging his phone out of his pocket, he decides to give him a call, and as he listens to it ring, all he can hope is that he answers, and when he eventually does, he breathes a sigh of relief.

"is everything okay?" he fumbles to get the words out, one syllable spilling over the next until it all but tumbles out of his lips in a misshapen heap. kian's soft voice meets him on the other end of the line, not nearly as panicked as nicky is. it doesn't comfort him, not with the way kian pauses as if there's something he's holding back. is he crying? nicky strains to hear any of the telltale signs of emotion in the other man's voice, studying every word as if it holds a hidden message. but no, it's not an emergency. at least, not the type of emergency nicky had feared. kian is okay, physically at least, and it's enough for nicky to take a deep breath and begin slowing his rapidly beating heart.

"it's okay, don't worry about it," he assures the other man, then pulls his phone away from his ear just briefly to check the time. god, it's late. "you scared me half to death but it's alright. call me any time, i mean it." he sits up in bed, making himself more comfortable than the half-sprawled position he had ended up in during his rush to answer. nicky allows himself to enjoy the sound of kian's voice in his ear, a little crackly from the phone and soft due to the late hour, but familiar in the warmest way nonetheless.

he rubs sleep out of his eyes, crusted from the few hours of rest he's already gotten. "what's on your mind?" he offers himself as a sounding board, a place to vent. nicky likes to think that he has all the answers but truth be told, he does not. he can try to solve all of kian's problems but more than likely there's nothing he can do except listen, take them in, to share words of sympathy at best. it kills him that he can't just take away all of kian's fears and frustrations with a snap of his fingers; kian is a boy who deserves nothing but a rosy path in life after all.

when nicky mentions being tired, kian looks over to him with a grin, bummed that he wasn't able to rest well. "mmm, that's too bad! you'd think that sitting in one place for so long would be the best time to catch up on some z's!" thinking back on it, he doesn't think he's ever been up in the air for that long of a stretch. "were you sitting beside someone annoying?" his question is honest, but he can only imagine how nicky would've responded to having an obnoxious encounter with another person, especially in the tight confines of an airplane.

as their plans are settled on, kian nods affirmatively; raising two thumbs up. "home it is!" pivoting his body toward the direction of the exit, he starts to amble his way there; tempted to clutch onto nicky's hand, but doesn't out of fear of stares. now that he's going to be a public figure, he needs to be more careful when it comes to things like this. being at the airport, especially. before he knows it, he'll be dodging camera flashes and screaming fans. "what should we eat? i'm assuming you'll want korean food after being away for so long, but we can get whatever you want!"

kian moves a little too quickly, a little too far out of reach and nicky feels his heart drop at even the smallest distance put between them. he's a beat slower to follow, his luggage dragging along at his side, until he can fall into a rhythm with the other man again. for a moment, he mourns the fact that they are no longer children, that linking arms or holding hands is no longer a cute and innocent gesture but rather a signal to others of something else. he's spent far too much time away. maybe that's why his body craves kian's closeness with a new ferocity. nicky isn't sure if his ability to deny himself any indulgence is a good or bad thing right now. just wait a little longer, he tells himself. when we're back home... or away from the crowds. he negotiates with himself.

"they didn't have anything like that," he sighs wistfully. korean food sounds divine right now. "even trying to make stuff myself... it's hard to find all the ingredients there. even the korean restaurants weren't really korean food. but english food isn't necessarily... bad." he pauses as he tries to explain it. "it's different. some of it is really bad, yeah, but it's not like i couldn't eat anything while i was there. they eat a lot of bread."

@kianbe

six months in europe both flew by and dragged on oh so slowly. in some ways nicky thought the day he returned home would never come, and in others he has no idea where the time went. he knows he should be grateful for the experience, that the course he attended can only help him in his future should he decide to pursue the entertainment industry once again. but while he was there, he often wondered if it was a waste. it was clear to him that there was somewhere else he'd rather be, someone else he'd rather talk to than the dozens of foreigners he struggled to relate with. nicky can barely relate with most of his own countrymen, after all. it was a lonely, bitter six months in some ways. but also the best thing he ever did, based on what he learned.

all said and done, nicky can't wait to see kian again.

his father is working again and while nicky had planned on just taking a cab home, he's never said no to kian's company before. why should he start now? he'll admit, there's a level of anxiety fluttering around in his chest. kian will always be his best and closest friend but... what about everything else? the sloppy confession and tentative kisses, date nights and falling asleep to the sound of each others' breathing. nicky knows better than to assume that they can just pick things up exactly where they left them off. he told kian, six months ago, don't wait for me. kian has never told him about anyone special in his life in the six months they've been apart, but that doesn't mean there hasn't been a suitor, someone better at showing kian the love he deserves, knocking on the other boy's door. it scares nicky. as much as he knows kian owes him nothing, he doesn't want to find out how jealous he can be if someone else has what he covets.

whenever kian wanted to lean further into "feeling like boyfriends", he was pushed away. every time that he wanted physical affection, he was rejected and made to feel wrong for it, whether that was nicky's intention or not. any mention of dates, quality time, or closeness was met with coldness; rousing insecurity within him. these instances, along with nicky's his usual prickliness, never sat right with kian. sure, he'd gotten used to his attitude during their years upon years of friendship, but it started to hit him differently after they chose to strengthen their bond with romance.

it started to hurt more.

honestly, this has created immense confusion within him, an inner conflict that's haunted him during their time apart. he feels bad because of it, but he still can't help but feel like his needs were never met, and has no idea if they can even be met now that he's returning. it's not that he's completely lost hope in this. kim kian never, ever loses hope in himself, or in the people he loves. that's not in his character. however, despite his optimism, the worries persist, even now that he's literally waiting for nicky to greet him after his flight.

though, he's momentarily snapped out of his daze whenever he hears his name being called, and as he turns his head, he feels a tidal wave of warmth crash into him; one that, for right now, overpowers the remnants of doubt and indecision.

grinning from ear-to-ear, kian meets nicky halfway and is very quick to wrap his arms around him; pulling him into a huge bear hug, like old times. "mmm," he hums, taking a moment to inhale his scent and feel the comforting weight of his sturdy frame. he can't tell if the heart he feels beating against his chest is his, or nicky's, but he chooses not to dwell on it for now; loosening his grip. "you still smell the same," kian adds, that same grin still on his face. "it's... weird seeing you, but not in a bad way. i just feel like we've both had so much happen recently, and like, we've both kind of changed, but at the same time, we're still just... us."

his statements don't make a ton of sense, but his exhaustion is largely to blame for that. hopefully nicky is able to comprehend his words. "are you hungry, or did you eat plane-food? did you sleep on the plane, too? what do you wanna do now that you're back home?" the onslaught of questions isn't meant to be overwhelming, he just knows that if he didn't ask all of them at once, he likely would've forgotten one or two.

“i smell like twelve hours on a plane,” he grumbles despite the way his heart swells. why can’t i just say i’m happy to see him too? nicky even questions himself. is he too comfortable knowing kian will just know what he means? how is that fair? as much as nicky’s soft words are hidden behind layers upon layers of prickly thorns, kian’s heart is proudly on display as it’s always been. we’re still just… us. yes, they are. for as much as they’ve changed, for as unfamiliar kian feels in his arms, they’re still so much the same. a sniffle escapes nicky first, then his eyes water in a way that he hardly ever shows in public. he takes the opportunity when kian relaxes away from the embrace to wipe at his eyes. “i’m tired,” he explains, or rather explains, with his voice low to keep the exhausted, relieved tears at bay.

at least kian’s next questions make it easier to excuse his emotional state, unraveled and unpolished in a way nicky hardly ever shows. “i had a meal on the plane. it was bad,” he recaps his journey in short words, though truly the flight was wonderfully uneventful. “tried to sleep… emphasis on tried.” he sighs. “but i want to see you first.” yes, he’s seeing him now, but it’s not enough. it never would be, no handful of hours enough to make up for the months apart.

if anything, forging some sort of comradery with nicky feels like its own act of rebellion against his mother, too bitter and selfish to comprehend how it could happen.

spending a small portion of the holiday season following nicky around wasn't exactly in his plans, but he is curious. "it must be rather urgent and important that you'd immediately begin your shopping hunt without waiting for me to leave your sight first," seonghan states without missing a beat, coming up with a conclusion out of thin air. "what i normally do right now would be, pretending to act like i'm participating in the holiday festivities, which i can do by following you around," seonghan replies, explaining his reasonings logically. he knows it'll only get under nicky's skin though, even if it's lighthearted.

"unless, you're also pretending to shop?" he questions, a small smile on his face as he starts playing his own sick and twisted single-player game of figuring what nicky is doing. "it's the opposite, isn't it? you're pretending that you aren't looking for something." he chuckles, knowing that it seems like a shot in the dark—but nicky usually starts off his day with a plan. "you could head out the door... it isn't too far off, why are you gently insisting that i leave?"

realistically, he knows there's no getting rid of seonghan once he's made up his mind. he knows that the more he tells the other man to leave, the more he'll want to stick around. and yet nicky can't lie, he can't put on an act just to get seonghan off his back. honesty is the least he can do when the rest of his personality completely sucks... and seonghan is too smart to see through some harmless fibs anyway. what's the point?

he knows that seonghan is peeling away at his defenses, picking past the excuses and distractions that nicky has tried to use to get some alone time with the holiday market and christmas shopping specials. he knows that it's inevitably a losing battle and seonghan will get there anyway. so even though he doesn't respond, the other man quickly snoops out that nicky is, indeed, shopping. and furthermore, he seems to have sniffed out that it's for someone special. well, it's not exactly a secret. nicky sighs; he just would have rather kept it to himself in the first place. he's not too good at picking out the perfect gift but he wanted to do it himself, not with the help of anyone else.

changmin's not quite sure how he's ended up here – in this class, this elective. but he'd had to take something outside of music, and while everything had seemed somewhat intersting, changmin had found the guts to dabble in something he had little to no experience in. art history.

though changmin's never been the type to half-ass anything he does, especially when his grades are involved. he's arrived to every class with his ipad and a notebook ( because some things felt better when they were written down in his notebook, instead of on his screen ).

for about 30% of their grade though, they're made to work on a group project with about four other people. his group has decided to meet at a cafe nearby the campus, yet it's been about half an hour and no one else but nicky has arrived.

changmin begins to fiddle with his drink. nervous, because he's afraid that their groupmates have decided to flake out on them ( truth be told, he'd gotten 'flakey' vibes from most of them ), and because he doesn't know nicky well. if anything the older boy sort of intimidated him.

he sits opposite nicky, staring at his laptop, when he receives a kakao talk notification. one by one, they come pouring in. excuses from their other groupmates about not being able to make it. "i have to go out of town last minute!" "i have a stomach ache!" "my cat fell ill!"

what he didn't like about it was the group projects. nicky has always preferred to work alone, not really trusting anyone else to live up to the high expectations he sets for himself. and it turns out his instinct to avoid relying on the work of others was proven to be true once again. when he was the first to arrive to the agreed upon meeting spot, nicky honestly hadn't expected anyone to show up. changmin at least appeared a few minutes later. a few minutes after that all the excuses started to come through.

he sighs, pressing his thumbs into his forehead to try to soothe the oncoming headache. at least he was prepared for something like this to happen; nicky knows better at this point.

they know each other well enough that there's no use in deflecting, in yura telling nicky nothing but the truth. but what truth was there if she couldn't even pin it down herself? "it made my skin crawl, nicky." she admits, finally meeting his gaze. "i got there and i made it through and i said 'look at me! a washed up wannabe that has too much of an attitude and yet hasn't really practiced in years." the words come out in a jumble as yura tries to pace herself, the confession spilling out now that the floodgates are open. "i couldn't do it. the environment the people the.. everything. it was just like all those stupid auditions our moms used to drag us to as kids but worse.

"i choked. and i'm such a failure."

"you're a failure because you made yourself one, not because you didn't deserve to be there." he frowns, crossing his arms across his chest. "it felt like something our moms would do because you became your mother to yourself. you decided you weren't good enough. literally no one else thought that."

a frustrated sigh breathes past his lips. nicky has never been the most sympathetic or gentle person; who knows what he would have felt in yura's shoes, should he have chosen to make a return to the spotlight this way? what he can do is be the reality check he thinks yura so clearly needs. her anxiety is for nothing, her panic is unwarranted, and her decision was made far too hastily.

that's the thing about these fragments of time, though. they're fleeting. they're the beams of sunlight that breaks through the clouds on gloomy days, but as the vapors shift, the rays are once again blocked by dense murky veils. thankfully, to kian, this isn't a bad climate to exist in, especially since his own brightness is able to counteract the delicate wash of grayscale nicky adds to his life.

the two of them together are like that small period of time when winter starts shifting into spring. the days are just starting to get longer, the frost on the tips of tree branches is being replaced by cherry blossoms, and there's an almost perfect blend of sunny warmth and chilly breezes. no matter the time of year, that's how kian experiences existence whenever they're together.

however, as quickly as he loses himself in the rosy daze he's in, he's broken out of it; his boyfriend's body tensing beneath him in a manner that shocks him like lighting. the storm is returning, and though kian is brave enough to weather it, he wonders why it started to brew. did he cause it? can he somehow control nicky's weather? he's unsure, but he hopes he can figure it out someday.

"hey..." he whispers, shifting gears, doing as he's told. he still keeps their bodies intertwined, but he's now back to his original position. it's here that he notices how quick nicky's heart is beating compared to only a few minutes ago, and in an attempt to soothe its pace, kian sets his palm atop his chest. "i'm sorry... i didn't mean to freak you out." his voice is low, soft, like a lullaby. "you just feel really good. better than the bed, even."

hopefully his tenderness allows nicky a moment to deescalate; to mirror his energy. "if i'm a little greedy with kisses lately, i'm sorry. i'm deprived of them all week, and i end up spending all my downtime thinking about kissing you... and just... about you, in general." with that, he blushes; hoping he doesn't sound lame. "it's like i'm lovesick and you're my medicine."

nicky wants every step forward in their relationship to be absolutely perfect. he knows it's an impossible standard, that he's going to fail in some respects eventually, but he can't help it; perhaps it's just his nature to overachieve and strive for perfection in every aspect. the firsts should be special. first date, first kiss, first time... nicky wants to give kian everything he deserves, wine and rose petals and luxury that nicky would not be able to afford without help from his father. he knows kian would settle for much less, but that's the point; nicky doesn't want him settling for anything with him.

even beyond the material aspect, nicky wants his first performance, so to speak, to be something worth remembering. it'll be his first too, and insecurity makes him falter in the face of intimacy. what if he's disappointing? what if he's too short, both in time and in size? kian would never begrudge him anything, he knows, but he wants to be better. he thinks he might just die if he saw even a glimpse of disappointment on kian's face in such a context.

for now, though, kian's hand rests on his chest and nicky is okay with it there. in fact, his hand finds it, lacing fingers together and holding it there. "sorry," he responds in turn, knowing that his reaction was inappropriate at best, hopefully not as offensive as he belatedly realizes it might be. "i love you. but i don't think i'm ready for that yet. and it seemed like that's where it was going." maybe kian will judge him for having a dirty mind, maybe it was all innocent. nicky's face flushes red with embarrassment anew.

"you can kiss me," he relents, unwilling to deprive kian of that even if he's not ready for more. "just give me a minute." he still feels like he just ran a marathon, the moment of fear still coursing through his veins hotly.

that's sort of a lie, but only in the sense that nicky's always been able to persuade him to agree with him. he may genuinely feel like he's a boulder who won't budge in this circumstance, but that's horribly untrue. kian's more like water; swift, changeable, and vast. "i just hope i taste good so, whenever it is you do end up eating me—because let's face it, you totally will, i'm irresistible—it'll be a good experience for you, too!" after his comment, an impish grin tugs at the corners of his mouth, and he nods his head. "i did lick you, yeah... so i already know that you taste delicious!"

wanting to be more daring, kian repositions himself so that he's now on top of nicky; his bottom seated upon his lover's groin, his torso leaned forward so that it's parallel to nicky's, his arms on either side of them for balance, and his face buried in the crook of his neck; breathing him in. "i'd say vanilla describes your flavor well. sweet, warm yet cool, and comforting in all the best ways. though, it doesn't exactly capture your overall appeal, you know?" after he speaks, he peppers a few kisses against his beloved's skin, then continues.

"you're so far from plain, nicky. you're so beautiful." interrupting himself again, he plants even more kisses on the other's neck; hoping the amount of affection isn't overwhelming. "you're really hot, too. i've always thought so, but i was always too scared to tell you because i didn't want you to push me away, or think i was weird... but it's true. you're kind of the hottest." now, he hovers his face over his boyfriend's; their eyes mere centimeters away from one another's, their eyelashes practically falling together in miniature embraces.

the hand that was playing in kian's hair idly finds his face instead now, gently tracing his cheekbone with the back of his fingers. it's almost awe-like wonder spoken through the gentle touch of nicky's hand, the words he wants to say not quite coming to mind yet. "i'm not going to eat you," nicky finally speaks. he wants it desperately to be a promise, to be an oath that he'll never break. he's not so sure, but at least he's trying. i won't hurt you, he tells himself. he hopes he can make such a wish come true.

honestly, he wishes that was different. sometimes, all he wants to do is go find a tree to climb, stare deep into the clouds, and get lost in his reveries. being with nicky feels like a daydream, though, so kian supposes that this is just as good—if not better—than all of that.

when nicky leans in and stamps a kiss onto his face, kian turns and returns the favor; laughing at his comment. "is it weird if i said i'd let you eat me?" he counters, chuckling. "like, i don't know. maybe it seems dark, and weird, and scary, but honestly, if you were a sea monster, i'd totally let you, like, filet me and eat me—raw or cooked, your choice!" kian has no idea that what he's saying could be misconstrued for something more suggestive. it's made apparent by how chirpy and jovial his tone is.

"i'm glad that you told me you don't like the sea, though. now i know to never plan a date there... oh, and i guess you're also not really a sea monster if you hate the sea, and can't swim well... and that also means that you're not cold, clammy, or scaly, so i think that means i win the argument of whether you're cuddlable or not." with that, he playfully sticks his tongue out at nicky... then impulsively leans forward and licks his cheek playfully before bursting into laughter.

he's so childish. though, that's something about him that'll never change. kim kian is someone who will remain youthful very late into his life span, like peter pan.

"you shouldn't say that," nicky decides to chide instead, unwilling to indulge in the fantasies that haunt his heart. no, he's not a sea monster, kian is right about that. nicky suspects that he's actually something worse, a wolf in sheep's clothing, waiting to show his ugly side when it'd hurt the most. he may be a black dragon, a gorgeous beast with a belly full of fire and a treasure that he'd die to protect, to hide away from the world forever. because kian is kian, and nicky is nicky, he hopes that his nonliteral words won't be taken literally. he hopes that kian will hardly think twice about them, that he'll continue down some other fantasy. still, nicky feels the need to give voice to some of his fears while the opportunity has presented itself. "what if i actually do someday?"

what if i smother you? what if i'm too much? what if i hurt you? nicky doesn't know if he could ever forgive himself. he's seen ugly love. he's seen screaming matches and thrown cups and plates and threats and pleas and the ugliest divorce and subsequent bloody custody hearings. gentle love has been much harder for him to come by. he knows he can't possibly be perfect yet there's always this lingering fear that kian will lose his affections for him if he's not. if nicky does something wrong, how much will that hurt kian? he thought it safer to stay in place for a while, until he figures out the perfect next step, but kian so wants to barrel ahead. it terrifies nicky, who can't plan ahead perfectly.

he's spiraling into the same thoughts over and over again when he's suddenly jerked away from the confines of his own mind by an unexpected wetness on his cheek. nicky stares, wide-eyed, processing what kian just did. "did you just... lick me?" it's more stunned than accusatory, still trying to catch up to the rather odd show of affection.

"i also think you're forgetting that i'm supposed to be keeping you warm now. not your clothes." he teases, scrunching his nose. "you're used to sleeping alone, and i am, too, but what's cool about sharing a bed so often now is that we can use our body heats instead of clothes, and even blankets sometimes. it's almost summertime!"

gently, he tangles one of his legs between nicky's; shifting so he's laying slightly more on top of him instead of fully beside him like before. "you're also not cold and clammy. you always make yourself sound like a sea-monster or something, but i'm here to tell you that that's not true. that, and even if you were a sea-monster, that doesn't make you any less cuddlable... cuddlable?" he pauses, brows furrowing in thought. "is that even a word?"

though, before he gives his question anymore thought, he learns that nicky had a good night's sleep, and he grins. "that makes me happy," he coos, squeezing onto him with his arm. "do you think you slept so good because i'm here with you? i know that's why i slept so good. you make the bed extra comfortable somehow." when the query he asked to nicky is returned to him, he sighs. "yeah, but i always remember my dreams. most of them are really... weird, but last night's was honestly pretty normal."

pausing for a moment, he does his best to recollect how things started. "in my dream, we went to the sea. though, for some reason, i was completely naked splashing around in the water and you had all your clothes on, and you were getting mad at me because you didn't want me to catch a cold, or for me to get stung or bitten by any creatures. in the end, a few crabs latched onto you somehow, and i had to save you." kian smiles, looking toward nicky.

"it'll be too hot to get close in summertime," he protests, though he's sure there will inevitably be more skin out whether nicky intends for it or not. he knows what kian wants, he knows he craves a level of intimacy that nicky's just not quite ready for yet. sometimes he feels guilty for not being there yet; sometimes he feels angry at his mother, for all the damage she did to him and all of his future relationships with her abuse, that he second-guesses and is too slow in every step of his relationship with kian so far. he tries not to show kian those ugly sides of himself even though he knows that his best friend and boyfriend wouldn't want nicky to keep anything from him. he wants to be his best self with kian only.

"if i was a sea-monster, i'd eat you up," a small smile flickers across his face and nicky finds himself with the confidence to lean over and press his lips against kian's face, just a chaste peck on the cheek to express his affection. and then you could never leave me. there it is, the ugly side of him; the possessive bit that can't imagine his life without kian, the part that sometimes wants to lock him in a glass case to keep him safe and by his side forever. nicky knows those are ugly feelings; he tries not to give them the thought they think they deserve.

the hand in kian's hair pauses, simply resting there comfortably. "i don't know," he answers, honest to a fault. maybe he does sleep better with kian by his side but he's never really tested the theory. maybe he just gets lucky. or maybe he actually sleeps worse from having to share the blankets, he's not sure. "i'm glad you slept well. you could sleep more. i know how busy you are." it was nicky who told kian to pursue being an idol when the opportunity presented itself so he has no right to complain about kian's schedule now. he just wishes there was a little more time in it for the other man to take care of himself a little better.

he listens with quiet attention as kian relays his dream from the night before in surprising detail. even when nicky does dream, he usually doesn't remember half of it by the time he's fully awake. it's just as well, most of the time. he can't help but smile, thinking that the version of him in kian's dream is so like the real-life ryu nicky. he can see the same situation playing out in the waking world... except for the crabs. nicky would never be caught in such a predicament.