Apple Juice Break

I thought about it for the first time in a long time today, not hard enough to try for it, but I considered the option and how to theoretically go about it. Days like today are the weirdest for me. Weirdest might not be the best way to put it, but it is what comes to mind. Hardest doesn't seem right, after all I get through them every time. Usually without much to be said, honestly. What i mean by "days like this" is that I am acutely aware of the countless beautiful things in my life; my good job and coworkers who appreciate me, my incredible family, my perfect friends, the best girlfriend in the world, my truly blessed life in general. But my mind wanders down these mental back roads cloaked in shadow, seeking out the darkest points to stop at and there it will stay for a while until it becomes difficult to get out of the dark place, back on to the back roads and eventually back to the well lit and (recently) more travelled passages of my psyche. I have no delusions that these days will stop completely, especially any time soon, and I never have had those delusions. They're disorienting nonetheless, both these days and the toll they take on me. At the same time there is a twisted comfort in these days, a familiarity about them that is easy for me to lose myself in. I think the weirdest part is how conscious of both sides of it all I am. The light and the dark, the good and the bad, the opposing forces at work in me. The duality of it. How completely fucked up I am and how perfectly okay I'm almost positive I can and will be. I don't know. I feel weary of me and this world, and at the same time I am so excited about the literally endless possibilities ahead of me. How long this could go on. How suddenly it could all come to a screeching halt. I'm aware of the utter pointlessness of everything and at the same time I can do nothing to stop the vast amount of meaning found in everything from invading my five senses, creating memory after memory after memory. Until the memories are all I know and they come forth unbeckoned to remind me of all that has happened, and to ignite in me a burning need to find out what memories are still to come. Maybe the light is winning, or at least putting up one hell of a fight, pushing back the dark no matter how small the light is. Whatever these days are, they're one hell of a fight.