Pls this one is so unhinged I'm dying what do I even do for this one (TW: brief mentions of torture)

5 - verified purchase reviewer on multipack of toy horses that only says THE RED ONES TASTE THE BEST and customer service agent going hello???? enemies to lovers nightmare 

Andrew had been staring at his computer screen long enough for his eyes to start watering. He wasn't sure what to do with what he was looking at, despite knowing he had to reach out to the user that had left an...unsettling review on a multipack of small toy horses. Children's toys. Some angry mother was going to call customer support with a strong complaint about said review if he didn't get rid of it.

Alex Whocares left the following review:

☆ ☆ ☆ ☆ ☆ (five stars)

THE RED ONES TASTE THE BEST

It was probably someone playing a prank, but Andrew had to respond to it anyway, because apparently this was his job. He finally managed to get his body to move, looking up this 'Alex Whocares' in their customer database and finding the email he'd signed up with. He then wrote an email and sent it quickly, finally looking away from the review.

________

Mr. Whocares,

On behalf of our company, we would like to thank you for your five star review on the multipack of rainbow toy horses, we are glad you enjoyed our product! However, we noticed in your review you mentioned consuming our product, and we'd like to remind you that our children's toys products are not meant for consumption. On the package, it specifically states that the multipack of rainbow toy horses is only meant for children ages three and up. We advise you to keep our products away from anyone who might consume them and to seek medical attention immediately if they are consumed.

Regards,

A. Minyard

Customer Service

_________

With that email sent, Andrew promptly decided to take a break, locking his computer and heading to the break room to take some of the free cookies and make a new cup of coffee. When he finished and sat back down at his computer he went back to work.

About an hour later, he got an email.

________

A. Minyard,

On behalf of myself, I'd like to apologize and explain my reasons for the review I left. I'm not sorry for leaving the review I did, I stand by it, but I'm sorry for worrying you so much you personally reached out to make sure I seek medical attention after eating the rainbow horses.

Recently I was kidnapped by my serial killer father and while I was in the car his stupid little henchmen and woman tortured me with the cigarette lighter. At one point she dropped it and it landed on the seat and would've burned my thigh if it wasn't for the glorious multipack of rainbow horses I'd stuffed in my pocket.

(I'd bought them for my friend's baby shower 'cause I figured a baby would enjoy playing with them but I now see that would've been a mistake, no baby is born three years old! How silly of me!)

That amazing multipack of rainbow horses saved me a little more pain than I was already in and by the time we arrived at my father's house the plastic the little horses are made of had melted a bit. I was stuffed into the basement where I'd watched him kill a man once and was locked down there for days. Thankfully there was a sink down there, so I had water, but I was hungry and there wasn't any food.

Until I remembered the multipack of rainbow horses, of course!

I left them near the furnace and let the plastic soften enough so that I could eat them. The red ones indeed tasted the best out of them all. I didn't feel so good after eating them though which is probably why you guys have that label on the toys in the first place. Thankfully, the FBI showed up and got me to the hospital and they pumped my stomach.

I do not recommend that experience.

I just got back home and I'm still recovering but I'm so glad that you saw my unhinged review I left while I was high on pain meds and thought to reach out to me. That's just so thoughtful of you, thank you so much. I'm doing a lot better now, thanks for asking.

Also my name isn't Alex anymore, sorry for the confusion.

Neil Abram Josten

P.S. You really like the word 'consumed' huh?

__________

matt: i'll be your best friend!

neil:

Nursery? He's got that mf put together in weeks. Pregnancy books? He's read them all and interrogated everyone in the maternity ward. He's got the car seat installed and inspected before Katelyn's 2nd trimester

He only has a moment of genuine Freak Out when they learn they're having twins bc he now instead of being ahead of schedule he is behind and needs to build a new crib and get a new car seat and will it even fit in their car? Do they need a second car? HOW MANY CARS TO BABIES NEED

MEANWHILE Andrew has been a tense mess since Aaron shared the news. He takes his aggression out on the court and spends all of his free time consuming every piece of baby birth and life info he can because HOW can Aaron be so CALM about this???? (Not that he'll say any of this)

So when Aaron calls to tell him it's twins and he's freaking out for the first time in all of this asking how many cars do babies need Andrew already has his computer open researching the world's safest minivans and has one sent to them 6 days later

Neil and Katelyn have taken to having secret phone conversations where they are appropriately amused and concerned as the moments call for it. Just completely level headed. "So you got that new washer dryer we sent?" "Oh yea thanks it's really nice." "That's good"

Aaron's just so ding dang excited to be a dad and to do a good job and Katelyn is so happy bc she was sure he was going to panic spiral for the entirety of her pregnancy. EVERYONE was sure of that. AARON had been sure of that until it actually happened

It's an infectious kind of happiness from someone usually so closed off and up tight. It bleeds into all parts of his life. He let's the foxes dote. He calls Nicky an extra time every week. He tolerates Neil (this one throws everyone for a loop)

He'll have his typical annoyed expression through every interaction until someone mentions fatherhood and then it's like a switch has flipped. Andrew watches it happen with fascination and Neil looks on in mild horror

Aaron buys Nicky a world's greatest grandpa mug. Andrew buys him a world's gayest grandpa mug. Neil buys him a mug shaped like a fox that he found online ("why is everyone buying Nicky mugs? Is this some sort of tradition I don't know about? Should I get one for Erik, too?")

When Katelyn is put on bedrest the last 2 weeks of her pregnancy, she calls Neil and asks if he'll ask Andrew to come over bc while this excited Aaron is wonderful, he's also a hover-monster. Andrew bails on his off season duties to temporarily move in with them

He tracks Aaron down in a department store looking at pleated khakis. Aaron doesn't even wonder why Andrew is there, just holds them up with a stack of polo shirts and asks "is this a dad outfit? I need to see if they sell sketchers"

Andrew smacks them out of his hands

Andrew's calm demeanor evens out Aaron's manic spiral. He stays at the house while Aaron works. He silently goes through every nook and cranny inspecting for safety. Katelyn doesn't say anything to him and it takes an embarrassingly long time to realize it's bc he told her not to

It's been so long since all of his deals ended and nobody outside of his circle ever took them seriously anyway but Katelyn hasn't said one word to him in the near decade its been since the library. He's so fucking mad that she respected the order so well. FUMING.

But like... damn if he can't respect that dedication. He orders takeout that Katelyn probably shouldn't but definitely wants to eat and sets it up in the livingroom for her to find on her habitual pace through the house. She accepts it as a gift, still without a look or a word

"We're in our 30s" Andrew says his first words directly to her and she freezes with a chicken wing in her mouth. He knows she knows what this is, what he's doing. He can practically see the arithmetic flying around her head. "Yea" she says

"I think we can stop this now," he says. "You can finish what you started. I'll finish these wings," she says.

Andrew internally: >:C

Andrew externally: "Fine. I'm ending it."

"About time. Hard to ask you to be a God father if I can't fucking talk to you."

Andrew: K.O'd

Aaron comes home from his shift exhausted as always and finds them on the couch, Katelyn teaching Andrew how to crochet. He stares at them from the doorway.

Aaron: Am I drunk?

Andrew: would you like to be?

Katelyn: pl- yes get him drunk I am begging you

(( Andrew when he notices she didn't use the p word: >>>:C ))