Diary

4th day.

So for today’s blog, I wan’t to keep it short ‘cause I can’t understand everything I did this day just for this one reason.

That feeling that you feel so important to someone. It feels nice with a mixture of nuisance to it. I shouldn’t overreact to this ‘cause it will trigger my anxiety. 

But, I can’t help it.

It’s the second day of 2017, and here I am writing a blog about my pain/depression. 

Dealing with pain and depression is hard until you realized that pain changes you. Pain and Depression changes the real you. It triggers everything that you build and questions you about how useless you are in this world. 

So in short, you should deal with pain and depression in-order for you to succeed living in this world.

So it’s aready 2017, Happy New Year everyone 🎉🍻! 

2016 was such a huge mess for me though but I never regret anything from that mess. So, today is the first day of 2017 but I screwed it up.

Yes, I screwed things up.

I was dissapointed (sort of) so I did some bullshts.

Merry Christmas to everyone 🎄🎂.

It’s been months since I wrote/posted something in my blog. But who cares? No one’s reading my posts anyway 😂.

But seriously.

I really wish everyone of you to have a great time 👌. I hope you guys are happy celebrating this great occasion with your family, friends, loved ones, etc 💑👩‍❤️‍👩👨‍❤️‍👨👩‍👩‍👧👩‍👩‍👦.

If you’re happy then I’m grateful to know it 😁.

I’m afraid.

Dear Diary,

October has been a bad month for me tbh. Even though it’s not yet even done, I can feel it that the upcoming days that October may offer to me will turn out to be one of my bad days. 

Lately, I’ve been going through emotional things.

To sum up, I’ve been so sensitive these past few days. I  just want to shut everyone out of my life and cry. 

I hate myself. 

I hate my attitude. 

I can’t understand why am I like this?

I’ve been pushing those people whom I cherished then everything will be fcked up. First, my friend whom I’ve been with grade 7. Second, a friend whom I call my little brother.

I’m wondering ...

Are they even thinking about me?

Like, do they miss me?

Do they miss those days when I’m a part of their lives?

Does my little brother misses the day when I call him ‘manghud’?

Does that friend of my misses crazy trios?

I want to talk to them and say sorry but I coudn’t just handle it. Good thing, some people knows how I feel and at least I told them a little about my problems. Ghaaadd! 

Dear Diary,

I feel bothered after that message.

Every day I thought about it I always ask myself ‘what did I do?’. I don’t know what to feel about this situation especially that person who left the message is someone I treasure. 

UGHHHHH!

That person told me that he/she would distance himself/herself aways from me. I don’t wan’t another treasured friend of mine leave me.

Dear Diary,

I always ask myself ‘why do people likes me?’

I mean, why do they want me to be their friend? To think that I got this Mood Swings and Atittude Problems.

I harsly joke and diss everyone but still ... most people want to be a friend of mine. Like why?

I decided to post an update my blog because I just wanna share a scene from today.

I was busy finding my flash card so I went everywhere just to find it. I was in the middle of searching when suddenly I found a bracelet. Its not just a bracelet but it was the bracelet where-in the written thing on it was “BFF forever Nheil” it was given by Valerie.

I sat down and stared at the bracelet.

Then I saw this picture of Kristine Stewart behind the bracelet. The I remembered that it was my memory box. I just din’t realized that it was it ‘cause it was ruined like hell.

I found a ...

Picture of Kristine Stewart

The bracelet that Valerie gave

A candy container (a japanese candy container)

Letters

Pictures

A star

Teacher’s letters

I was laughing at the pictures. Giving me some nostalgic feels again. It was such a bitter sweet looking to it. Then, I opened the letters it was letters from grade 8 & grade 9. Reading every letters made me feel like I was just too lucky to be me tbh. 

Those people who treasured/treasures me ... Thank you.

I was a bit teary when I realized how everything changed. Like from the letters it was stated Super 7, Crazy Trios, Squad Igit and Kollage. My squad from the past and now I’m not close with some of them anymore.

I realized how much I changed.

Those times when I don’t even like to hang out with the boys to the classroom, those times when I always judge people with no reasons, etc. I was just being so judgemental. I’m happy with who am I now tbh.

Dear Diary,

12:00 am

My day started when my mom suddenly woke me up. She yelled at me that I’m already late for my NSTP to think that it’s just 5:30 am. I was kinda confused and dazed so I just went to sleep again.

It was 6:15 am when I woke up again cause my alarm rang. I took a bath and I din’t ate my breakfast cause there were no foods so I decided to eat my breakfast at Jollibee.

I was in a hurry going to school cause I was kinda late the call time is 7:30 am and it was 7:31 am when I went out the house rushing to ride a motorela going to my school.

When I reached the school, the teacher talked to me and my classmates for the things that will happen in our NSTP. We went to ‘Agusan Elementary School’ to tutor some kids yet sad to say it was delayed so all we did was walking around and took pictures.

Thanks for those people who I am with for this day. It was fun soo much fun. Special mention to my manghud who was too happy hahahaha!

Dear Diary,

12:00 am

School

For today, tons of unexpected things happened. Well it’s not really that shocking but it was still unexpected. It’s not that unexpected things that turns out to be a terrifying one but it’s one of those unexpected things that turned out to be good.

First of all, remember the person that I’ve told myself that he’s weird? Well, I think not cause you never read that blog hahahaha! I think I was just being so judgemental towards him cause you know, sometimes he just stares nothing like he can see something we don’t. Creepy. Today I officialy declared that we’re friends HA HA HA.

Second, when our clubbing period is on me and my friends went to KamFil Club which is the club for the Filipino Subject. We did have fun jokingly nominating but I guess none of us got nominated from our circle of friends since we were so good at handling our responsibilities (note the sarcasm) but yeah, we had fun because sometimes in life, you gotta laugh off problems to make it seem like they weren't there in the first place.

Lastly, I have a classmate whom I've despised because of her insensitivity I dunno i'm sensing out douchebag. Her toungue could be used as a knife tbh. She’s been telling things that are somehow hurtful without her sensing it. Like duh? Everytime we did the same thing to you, you're as vulnerable as a baby . Ugh!

Dear Diary,

For today, nothing really interesting happened.

School

It’s thursday so we had our PE activity. Some of my classmates played basketball while the others played volleyball. I’m one of those students who did nothing but watch those people enjoying their games.

But suddenly Marianne and Nathalie played a game that I used to play when I was a little kid. So I joined them.

The game was called Slipper Mannequin. It’s a filipino game so you can search it up on Google and try it. I swear it’s FUN especially when you’re many. We were exhausted but we decided to play just for a little bit more and we ended up playing three more games, skati, 20/20, pulis dunggab, and sili-sili.

It was fun to the point that it made me reminisce my childhood. Those carefree and stressfree days. 

“What happened made me miss being a child.”

Still School

When our science teacher came in, so did my mood swings. I don’t know why the hell my mood swing happened but having it annoys me. I don’t wanna talk to anyone on that time.

Cause of the mood swing I was just straring at everyone. The room, it’s too noisy. I’m planning to have a nap but then I failed. Cause of boredom, my brain left tons of thoughts that me myself can’t even answer.

Why is no one trying to comfort me?

Why do they look so happy?

Why are they so noisy?

I got a head ache thinking too much so I tried to nap again. But suddenly someone held my hand and made a massage to it. I was shocked so I woke up cause I was startled. 

“Bad mood?” that person said.

I just rolled my eyes and nap again while he’s still giving my hands a massage. Even though I never thanked him for doing such thing, it was still comforting.

I guess we've all been there right? like, we feel so crappy inside but then someone comes in from out of the blue and comforts you.

What brighten up my mood is that when I was succesful to sleep in the class someone woke me up just to tell me that it’s dismissal time. Then my thoughts were answered.

Some people does know how to comfort people in their bad days. 

To think that the people who comforted me today was not that ‘close friend’ of mine is just a satisfaction for my part that someone I don’t really care for cares about me.

Dear Diary,

12:00 am

My father went home drunk so as expected he was blabbling tons of words me and my mom cound’t understand. They started to fight again about some nonsense things then it did end up eating some Jollibee lol.

School

So for school, our substitute CLVE teacher thought us about Forgiveness. A word wich has tons of meanings. 

Yes, it has tons of meanings.

Litteraly the word forgiveness means the action or process of forgiving or being forgiven. But for me, to forgive is not simple as 1+1 tbh. 

Why?

You might forgive the person yet you can’t forget those things that person has done to you.

You might blame yourself in the future why did you forgive that person.

You just wanna forget the existance of that person.

But who are we right? We’re just humans and God’s creation. If God can forgive us siners then why not try to forgive those people who sinned us? It may take time but at least nothing’s bothering you anymore.

Random

I got this point in my everyday life that I always think about a certain person. Like, I don’t wanna think about that person anymore yet your mind betrays you and shows up some more image of that person. 

How pitiful I am.

It’s bothering me tbh. I think I’m not the only one who expirience this kind of crap right? I think while reading you have that a person in your mind that is always bothering you ‘cause you can’t stop thinking about that person.

Creepy.

So Creepy.

SUPER CREEPY.

GET OUT OF MY HEAD!

I just wanna scream the name of that person yet I can’t. 

I just don’t wan’t too.