public diary of public enemy

it's so over, i actually think im headed to the guillotine when i fly to georgia. i fear nothing good will come of the trip and it's embarrassing to even be associated with a man. i think im going there to get my head chopped off, and i will come back headless and crazy. it doesnt help that max fucked me up so badly. i feel completely alone in a way that i did not know was possible. the shut out of possibility bc he raped me, the way i still want him and love him, the way he doesnt want me, the way i dont want him, the way henry doesnt talk to me, yet here i am milking my infatuation to give myself motivation to find a way to feel something, like somebody wants me, like somebody cares about me, someone who isnt my family and friends. i know im not alone, i love my people, but dont i deserve romantic love too? intimate moments with someone who enjoys spending time with me as well? im not ironic, i want something so deep and special and i know its rose tinted glasses but i miss my old life with cameron. maybe im the ultimate sniveling sad sack for being so hopelessly nostalgic for that deep connection of normalcy. everything i did was normal, anything i did was normal, cameron accepted me, thought i was funny, and he sucked in so many special ways but he's still the only person i ever felt truly understood me and loved me and he's gone now from my life forever. i cant believe its been two years already. i miss him so much. and four years since he broke my heart into a million shikon jewel shards im still collecting by sending myself into the past to find them all. so i rebuild my heart, it's really hard to rebuild your heart when other poeple arent careful with it though

stay calm

"trying something different", i dont really like it actually

spend less money

starting with buying the pair of shoes that are certain to change my life

im gonna have some personal onsen time when i get home, and maybe an exfoiliation procedure. i also want to make some bag charms and a tote bag maybe. who knows, i'll likely get home and collapse into a heap. a lethargic beautiful heap.

i miss biking, i miss swimming, i miss snowboarding, i miss skylar, i miss michelle, i miss feeling something and talking to people i love talking to.

i also do not know what the point of hanging out with losers is... i dont share much in common with these assholes and i dont want to. theyre all white, boring, and suckle on each other's inanity. i can choose joy and still be a caustic substance. i'm so sick of being nice to these freaks.

i want to barf, i should be single, i get so motherfucking sad thinking about it, and i shouldnt think about it. i want to barf knowing i shouldnt think about it. i want possibility again. i think ive accidentally shut myself out of my whole life. im not having fun right now.

not being patheitc anymore!!! in insanely beautiful new orleans and im in a gorgeous attic space listening to the parade go by and chappel roan pink pony club is playing and every marching band is so intensely delightful and loud and they are beating with the fervor of my heart and i feel like im in the most magical place ive ever been, its so intensely perfect, the big band, the dancers, the floats, the lights!!!! i got here by pure magic (aka money but IDC!!!!)

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