it's the News Guy

You heard it here first, Seinfeld fans. We just got a scoop that in a recent deal with the megagiant streaming service, the comedian will grow a mid 90s era Jerry Seinfeld head directly to the left of his (which his right!). When asked why the fuck he wluld do this, it was to promote the show's awful debut on netflix, who couldn't even bother to put it in the right aspect ratio. When we inquired for his opinion, Jerry said "I thought we already went to far when we shot the LEGO clone but Netflix says this deal is only getting started. Bee Movie 2-7 is next."

After recently revealing that a curse had been put on him restraining him from saying his favorite word, the man from the land of homophobia made a surprising announcement basically confirming the curse to be lifted. The Affleck side piece went on to spiel about much money a clip of him saying the word could make him. Rumor has it the next big NFT will be an audio clip of the n-word, possibly from Mark Wahlburg or Tarantino.

After coming under fire for not actually being gay and playing the historically gay Halston, McGregor revealed he became gay via method acting. The actor claims that he was only in intimate relationships with men during the time of filming, going so far as to have gay sex while filming sex scenes for the show. "I swear I get my ass blown out on the show!" Obi-Wan continued: "Netflix cut out the part where it goes in."

The Declaration of Independence thief confirmed recently that the rumors of him buying a deed to the Earth's moon were indeed true. Cage refused to discuss who he could be purchasing the moon from or any info on how a transaction like that would happen. The actor best known for the role of "Big Daddy" claimed that would be having a mansion built there, stating that only he would live there and that he would film any roles himself in front of green screen. On why he bought the lunar rock, Cage simply said "They wouldn't let me buy Australia, so fuck them."

The Fresh Prince is already in your home, no need to ask how, and he is going to observe your sleeping patterns all night. From the moment you fall asleep, to the moment you wake up, he'll be there. Then you'll never see him again.

The Academy Award winning actor recently confirmed he has made arrangements to adopt every single human being, and yes! Including you! The "Big" boy is pretty tight with the Man Upstairs so he got a lucky legal shortcut. Say hello to our new dad, everyone!

The 68 year old actor recently let out a big one. Like, just now. Don't believe me? You'll smell it soon.

Says he's depressed. Says life seems harsh and cruel. Says he feels all alone in a threatening world where what lies ahead is vague and uncertain. Doctor says "Treatment is simple. Great movie Joker is streaming on HBO Max. Go and watch that. That should pick you up." Joaquin Phoenix bursts into tears. Says, "But doctor... I am Joker."

The talk show host and SNL alum recently announced he was cursed by an unknown entity and that he could have his soul untethered to this realm if were to ever wipe that shit eating grin off his face. He was quoted saying "I guess, like, worst case scenario, maybe, I could bargain and come back as a ghost. I could host the show that way!" He obnoxiously added that he would be a "ghost host" and did his little cackle.

Try and tell me. Do it.

Yeah, the guy who made Boyhood. Did you know it took 12 years to make? The "Cool Spy" from Spy Kids (2001) confirmed he just, has a time machine and is going to travel back in time to 1960 in order to produce and release a film. The director was quoted saying "This is something that has never been done before in Hollywood, at least not in this timeline. Sure, we may break the space-time continuum, but this is what filmmaking is all about."

The Twin Peaks creator recently announced he has officially became an ethereal being. The director appeared in visions of his Twitter followers and spoke: "Dear Twitter Friends, I am happy to inform you all that I have completed my transformation to More, if not All. My body has become nothing as I am my film or my film is me. Thank you for helping awaken me." On the topic of Twin Peaks season 4, he transmitted "it will come in dreams."

We were all thinking it, but now we know: Al Pacino is dead, for sure. Adam Sandler came clean about how the Godfather (Part II) had a stroke and died immediately after filming the Dunkaccino scene from Jack & Jill (2011). Martin Scorsese confirmed they digitally generated Pacino entirely for the Irishman (2019). An Italian man named Rodolfo Penisto has been appearing as the Big Boy Caprice performer at events for nearly a decade.

It doesn't even matter what's going on with him now, just, what the fuck was he thinking?