Changing Perspective

Not in my adult life have I been this weight. I have weighed more than this since I was 18 years old.

Now that I am at the gym regularly I am loosing weight faster than I was before. This is uncharted territory for me. I have no idea what my body is going to look like with just 2 more kilos lost.

But its the same thing as go how I can not wrap my head around the sadist brain. I know they exist (and thank the fucking gods they do), but I do not understand the joy they get from causing others pain.

Last night I had a meet up with my wife and a coworker who I found out during the drinking of wine that he is a boot loving poly submissive. He immediately picked up on my wifes kink side. It makes me curious about how like minded people seem to find each other in the crowd. What about her (me?) says "oh I bet she is kinky?" Because I try deaperately to appear "normal" at least at work. But, I think i may be failing miserably.

Appearing "normal" is my down fall as of late. I have actually kind of given it up and moved into the realm of "do what makes you happy". Living here it is so much easier, and so much more socially acceptable.

Today I realized how disappointed I am with my mother. She doesn't understand why I've left and further more, has accused me of being "defiant" for leaving.

And it has me thinking. What would need to happen in the US for her to understand why I left? Everything that my brain says "this", it's happened. And continues to. Hell, she is even still dating trump voter. She doesn't get it and I don't think she ever will.

Today we made our two favorite Thanksgiving dishes. Green bean casserole and Cauliflower Broccoli salad. I realized with all my friends posting about the holiday that I missed it. Not the seeing family part (we hadn't done that in a few years anyway), but the food part. So we did what we wanted and didn't need to make a big deal about it. It was even my wife's idea. Which surprised me quite a bit.

I'm trying to keep some of my traditions and start new ones too. Tomorrow I'm buying an advent calendar, which is a much bigger thing here than there.

And I plan to spend as much time at the Christmas markets drinking Glühwein as I can. Its fun to split between the two cultures and enjoy things here. Especially since this is our first holiday season here.

It is a lot of hard work and endless appointments. It's learning a completely new way of life. Its the hardest and easiest thing I have ever done. 10/10 would do it again.

I don't wish to reveal where I am now, only will say that I left the USA.

In May of this year I met a guy who I had an amazing connection with. Our conversation came easy and we seemed to be heading into a really nice relationship. Then he just disappeared. Made plans with me, did not show up, and I never heard from him again.

Until this week. Shortly after ending a non kinky relationship that I was extremely unsatisfied with I got a message from the aforementioned missing guy. He offered me gracious apologies and we sorta talked through the whole thing. And because I am me, I said I would give him a second chance. (This has worked for me in the past)

And let me tell you, it has been a good decision. The intensity of things with this guy are as they always were and I am so incredibly happy right now. I could not ask for more in life than I have right now.

All that said, today is a sad day for me. It is a reminder of the failure of another relationship and also the 2 year anniversary of my miscarriage. The miscarriage of a very wanted child. The one and only time I managed to get pregnant.

I still remember that day. Curled up in the bed at my mother in laws, crying and in so much pain. Both physical and emotional. Oh and it was Thanksgiving and so the house was full of family.

Looking back it was a turning point in my life. And I didn't know the impact that day would have on the rest of my life. It was before I set foot on European soil. It was before sleepless nights thinking about emmigration. 1 year later I would be leaving for Europe for my job interview and 2 years later I would be typing this on a train to work.