Grey Musings

What do you wish you could do more every day? I want to do more than just exist every day for the capitalism machine. I want to make art, write words, plant gardens, and sing to them. Eat when I am hungry,sleep when I am tired, and wake when I am rested. Walk in the sunshine,the rain,the snow, and see the beauty of it instead of the hassle it makes in getting back and forth to work. I want…

I started coming out of the winter stage of my depression. It’s always slow, and with the extra hour of sunlight at the end of my days it always gets better. Today, I decided to work on my plants. This is what happens to most of my house plants over the winter. The more inward I turn, the harder it is on them. But you’re the greenhouse girl,you say! Yes. I am the plant lady. So if I recommend…

I got my hour back today. That needed light to keep the depression at bay. It’s conflicting, though,with its imagined constructs. Keeping track of moments and seconds instead of heartbeats and seasons. I don’t even know where I am going with this ramble,but felt like I had something to get out. Maybe I should be letting something in. Sketch by me and run through the AI.

How do we begin to let people back into our lives? I confess that I am unsure how to know. The doors have been closed for so long,the hinges rusted in place, the screams they sound when forced are bone shattering. But maybe my bones need to be broken so they may grow again in the shape of a welcome place, into the space of home. Maybe being broken is not to be feared. Maybe being broken is…

Our future is only a dreamof what ifs and maybe,half whisperedwishes escapinginto the dark… And still I findmyself chasingit over edges.

Do you believe in fate/destiny? There is a role for both to play in the ever changing puzzle of our experience. Events that happen beyond our control can contribute to the threads of possibilities that will converge in a crossroads, but it is still a choice of free will that decides the path to take. I’d like to believe we make our own destiny and will often find that fate follows along.

I wonder howlong this waitingwill last,holding onto patience with greased fingertips.Listening to thewind sing me its song,praying thatI will hear theharmony to my melody and finally find home.

One of the reasons I have worked in the plant and floral industries for most of my working career has been the Perks. Pops of color on the grey days when the end of the cold seasons fashion show has worn it’s self thin and I ache to see anything but muted tones of green,brown,and grey. They are lovely colors,but I am weary of them. These are a little early,but part of the Perks of working in…

It’s another Monday, complete with grey skies and rain, high winds and a tornado watch. Gotta love living in the Midwest in early spring. I took this pic this morning,because I felt optimistic about the day. That has slowly went away as the day has progressed. I really don’t know how long I can keep up the pretense of making it. Don’t get me wrong, I am pretty sure I will. I have survived all…

I came home last night,mentally and emotionally drained. It’s been building up for a bit,all the things I kept trying to not think about. I felt defeated in so many ways that all I wanted was to to sleep and not wake up. So I slept. A hard reboot of my system. My chest is still tight this morning,but less than before,and my brain is no longer making loop tracks of how much my world sucks…

Dianthus phot by me I want to know what it’s like to have the ability to keep my family fed. To keep the roof over our heads and the utilities from being cut off. I want to be able to go to the gas station and get gas to drive anywhere and not have to worry about how many stops I have to make along the way, how many times I will be turning the car off and in and using more gas just to do…

Violas photo by me I often wonder,wish and pretend that I can unsee humanity. It’s painful to watch as it looks and feels like it hates itself so much. Kindness is not hard. So why has the world made it so that kindness is regarded as weakness,when nothing in this world is as strong as a kind word or action. To prosecute and condemn acts of feeding the hungry,to help those who can not help…

English Daisy photo by me Where do I even fucking begin. There is so much going on and not happening at the same time in my life it is sureal. This time of year is when it seems I become the most manic in my swings of mood. It’s tiring, and the constant barrage of outside influences and circumstances that I can not control but have to deal with anyway is always a bit much. Maybe this is my…

Some days, you just have to pick your own flowers.

Real talk…

I had a package of graham crakers for dinner,dishes are piled in the sink because I have no will to do them. I have only used my voice a few times today,faking a few laughs so no one asks me how’s things.head buried in c.o.c. because it keeps me breathing and that’s good,right? That whole breathing thing? This is where I am right now. Reminding myself that breathing is good. My depression…