Never Quit

Oh the things I have done...

I will never understand why going home means being haunted by the ghosts of my past. It is clearly impossible to visit that place and return without those wounds opened, gaping. Bleeding. Laughing at me as I see them up again...but not after I have dug in them again. Thrust my hand back into the wound track, reaching, searching for some shred of shrapnel to pull out...some absurd hope that maybe they will heal more cleanly this time. Just maybe those wounds will close and heal so strong they will never be opened again. But that is not the case. I cannot stay away from my family, whom I love, just as I cannot keep those wounds closed. Instead I will thread the needle, stitch myself up, and keep focused on the future.

What I do isn’t that hard on the surface. Most of the time I do not even have to think for myself, as all of my decisions for the day have been made for me; all I have to do is execute the tasks given to me, exceeding the standard. Wake up, put on the clothes I was given to workout in, complete workout, eat, shower, put on work clothes given to me, execute tasks, eat, more tasks, eat, free time, sleep, rinse and repeat. On the surface this is by far the easiest job I have ever had. Even the most difficult tasks I have in the military cannot come close to the general every day stress I had as a forensic scientist. Truly, the possibility of being shot or blown up is much less stressful that courtroom testimony. The difficulty in this job is what I give up. I sacrifice the right to love anyone I choose, travel wherever I want, and when I get to see my friends and family. Granted, there are sacrifices every adult makes as my previous career didn’t allow me to see family and friends whenever, but I also didn’t have to go 16 days without a shower. In fact, if I HAD gone 16 days without a shower I am quite certain there would have been an intervention. After being gone for 30 days and seeing the changes in family, friends, and lovers I better appreciate this sacrifice. I love this country, even when I don’t agree with certain policies, laws, or attitudes. I am proud to put with uniform on every single day because I believe in what it stands for, has stood for, and I hope it will stand as a watchful guardian many years to come.

This grind is relentless in its' pressure cooker ways. I think to complain about doing the job of others' but the reality is I wouldn't know what to do with myself otherwise. There is too much down time in the work as it is, the last thing I need is more time to think. My wounds may be fresh, but they will heal quickly. My head is up and I throw myself into the day by morning twilight with a smile and a mission. It is an honor and pleasure to be a soldier.

I'm so frustrated and angry. I don't mind working long days, but I don't have a clue how the hell I am supposed to turn in equipment that requires two bodies by myself. I thought the girl I'm crazy about felt the same, but I guess not. I'm just tired. Tired of the rug ripping out from underneath me every chance I get. Im tired of hearing and seeing my childhood memories ripped away by tornadoes. I don't understand why the ones I don't really want chase me endlessly and the ones I want don't want me. I just need a break.

Well, after a 16 day hiatus from all things, including showers, I am back! One more week and I will be out of the dust, headed back to Kansas!