nettekins!

Spotlight – Jessie Ware

Ain't enough to say that I think of you Words can never do the things that I need them to Tell me when I'll get more than a dream of you? 'Cause a dream is just a dream And I don't wanna sleep tonight

Do anything to make you stay Do anything to start the day again If I had everything my way We'd travel back and forth and back again

In my mind, healing is more painful than the original blow. It’s the slow formation of severed nerves attempting to reconnect with their lost lovers, learning to find and form new bonds—including the awkward stages of hit and missed connections along the way. Multiply this by the trillions of nerve cells within our bodies, amplified into mega beams of combined pain shot into to the consciousness, and I then have to smile for the camera. I’m OK. I can get my work done. I can feed myself.

Sure, sure, I’m doing great.

Yeah, things are fine.

Good, good…

I can’t ask people to fix or experience my pain for me. But I CAN ask my friends to create and hold a safe space for me to heal and work through my own knots without judgement. I also have to allow others to encourage me along the way, and acknowledge the love and support I receive from the people in my life. I can’t keep running away from it or hiding because it will catch up eventually. I am the only one who can pull my mind through the difficult bits, experience and interpret them. It’s going to be rough but I am not alone.

Thank you.

A Living Dance Upon Dead Minds – Thrice

Love everywhere, exploding, maims and blinds A living dance upon dead minds Love everywhere, exploding, maims and blinds A living dance upon dead minds

But surely does not forget, (perish) Sleep cannot be photographed, (measured) Disdains the trivial labeling of punctual brains

But surely does not forget, (perish) Sleep cannot be photographed, (measured) Disdains the trivial labeling of punctual brains

Why it's love but at the earliest spear Of sun, perfectly should disappear

Who wields a poem huger than the grave? Who wields a poem huger than the grave? Who wields a poem huger than the grave? Who wields a poem huger than the grave?

But surely does not forget, (perish) Sleep cannot be photographed, (measured) Disdains the trivial labeling of punctual brains

But surely does not forget, (perish) Sleep cannot be photographed, (measured) Disdains the trivial labeling of punctual brains

But surely does not forget, (perish) Sleep cannot be photographed, (measured) Disdains the trivial labeling of punctual brains

But surely does not forget, (perish) Sleep cannot be photographed, (measured) Disdains the trivial labeling of punctual brains

Aries – Daedelus

Here – Alessia Cara

I'm sorry if I seem uninterested Or I'm not listenin' or I'm indifferent Truly, I ain't got no business here But since my friends are here I just came to kick it 

But really I would rather be at home all by myself not in this room with people who don't even care about my well being

I don't dance, don't ask, I don't need a boyfriend So you can go back, please enjoy your party I'll be here

Somewhere in the corner under clouds of marijuana with this boy who's hollering I can hardly hear Over this music I don't listen to and I don't wanna get with you so tell my friends that I'll be over here

Oh oh oh here oh oh oh here oh oh oh I ask myself what am I doing here? Oh oh oh here oh oh oh here And I can't wait till we can break up outta here

Excuse me if I seem a little unimpressed with this An anti social pessimist but usually I don't mess with this And I know you mean only the best and your intentions aren't to bother me but honestly I'd rather be somewhere with my people we can kick it and just listen to some music with the message (like we usually do)

Marcel – Her’s

Out of Reach - Original Mix — Rowee

Would you stay if I said I needed you? Would you run if I said I'd run to you? Would you fall if I said I'd fall for you?

I don’t think I’ve been allowing myself to feel anything. I don’t know if what I ever feel is true or if it’s what I try to convince myself that I am “supposed to” or “expected to” feel. Should I feel a certain way so I don’t offend someone else? Is this the appropriate response to the situation? If I show what I really think, would it get me into an uncomfortable situation (now, or even far in the future)? Is what I feel just a fleeting moment, a phase I can’t expect to trust, or is it something real, something I can depend on? 

I lived for a while with someone who repeatedly would say, “fuck your feelings,” about political disagreements (‘because feelings aren’t facts’) or really, any situation. (Because it’s like a “no u” retort, a dead-end response, a drop it there’s nothing else to discuss, an I don’t really care about what you think you’re opinions are shit and you really are a meaningless and useless piece of rubbish that has no place expressing an opinion, especially if it disagrees with how I want to think.). After hearing it so often, I couldn’t help but internalizing a fear, and possibly emotional trauma? (I’m probably deeply overreacting and this is something people go through every day and all the time, right? Like, this is how people in a loving relationship usually fight and talk to each other? Is this the sort of thing I just need to get used to, accept, and know that what I imagine having is really just a daydream… a fictional world that can never exist like one with pirates with magical/elemental abilities or one of mythical beasts or vampires or anything fabricated for entertainment. … And I rambled and lost my train of thought. Whatever. No one reads my garbage anyway.

And now I sound like my cynical teenager self who wrote everything in LiveJournal. Cool… Is this what a life crisis is? existential or quarter/mid/time stamped or otherwise?

Iron Lung – Black Marble

Oh, iron lung, are you at the house? Will you be alright, did they throw you out? I want to know, are they keeping you down? Are you working now, is it working out?

Now, I suppose you've been under the gun Is it closing time, do you have to run? Try this on... you feel perfect now Did they speak of you until their tongues fell out?

I don't believe you, iron lung I don't believe in the plow You kept me young, you were my iron lung I need you now

Now, iron lung, did they make you sing When they bent your arm and took your ring? I can see you now, I can hear your sound You keep me up, my iron lung

I don't believe you, iron lung I don't believe in the plow You kept me young, you were my iron lung I need you now

Matty – I’ll Gladly Place Myself Below You

Is there a space in time when I'll be everything you need? Oh, yeah Or will you break my heart and take it just to watch it bleed? Oh, man

There are days when I don't love you I'll gladly place myself below you So what does that say about me? Can you be everything I need? Probably not

Here in the mystery of what can make me content I guess the only thing that's left to change is my intent But I won't

There are weeks when I don't love me When I'll gladly place the world above me And then complain about the pressure 'Cause I'll never be enough to love her Oh, man

James Blake – I’ll Come Too

I’m gonna say what I need If it’s the last thing I do I do, I do, I do I’m in that kind of mood

I wouldn’t do this on my own But I’m not on my own Tonight

Rosemary Fairweather – Chemicals

Camera Obscura – French Navy