wandering, not lost

Friend: “I’ve never seen that befo-”

Me: 

you can fix any illness or injury by humming to yourself 

nobody should be alone in the bathroom, ever 

if you’re scared of someone, just fluff up your hair real big and they’ll probably leave you alone 

when you pee on something, you own that thing. congratulations! property is urine 

if it makes a sound like food, it is definitely food and you should try to eat it no matter what 

hitting someone in the face is an appropriate way to thank them for doing your hair 

when your friend is sad, sitting on top of them will make them feel better 

if a gross dude is trying to have sex with you and you’re not into it, just shrug your shoulders and walk a few feet away and he’ll forget what he was doing entirely 

missed the toilet? it’s ok. just kick some tp over it and nobody will know the difference. it’s also ok if you don’t even manage to cover it up as long as you tried 

when you have leftovers, scratching the table around your dish will keep them fresh and tasty until you’re ready to eat again 

if you are lonely and want affection, headbutting your best friend at full force is the best way to let them know you want to hang out 

jealous because someone else is getting all the love? berate them until they leave the room. the other person will then be happy to immediately transfer their affection to you 

silently and grimly kicking your brother in the stomach is a fun way to spend an afternoon 

there is no limit to the number of times gravity can be discovered 

it’s very important to keep yourself hydrated! find the stupidest possible way to drink water and do that. make sure to get your neck nice and wet for no real reason 

when you’re finished styling your coif in the morning, remember to eat the hair you’ve combed out for a morning pick-me-up snack 

doors should never be closed. if a door is closed it is a terrible mistake and must be remedied immediately by screaming at your mom 

taking a shortcut to your favorite restaurant means that the restaurant will be an entirely different place by the time you get there 

for a dramatic and loveable makeup look, wing both your top and bottom eyeliner all the way out to your ears and then draw a little “m” on your forehead 

when it’s time to take the edge off, scatter your favorite drug on the floor and just roll around in it until you drool