泣きたい時こそ笑う

au meme/re-cast meme (fake sub) ——-> Mean Girls

She has to pull herself together, however, because she knows that doing so was the best she could do. It had always been like this when Miyuki ends up not wanting to talk about anything. To avoid having themselves swallowed by the thick air that was quickly building up around them, they pretend that everything’s alright, and Sayaka pretends that she doesn’t want to know about it, doesn’t want to talk about it because the last thing she wanted to do was to push Miyuki too much and yes, others have told her that she was stupid – pathetic for never voicing out her concerns, and that was only one of the many other things she hated about herself.

“It’s because you always message me while I’m working that I end up texting instead of doing my duties, idiot.” Miyuki wasn’t listening to her and Sayaka knows it and aah, why can’t she just be like one of those partners out there who can be selfish and say out ‘Tell me what’s wrong?’ instead of just going along with this—this stupid act? Why can’t she be like that darn Fujita Tom who says whatever he wants to say? And hah. She never thought a day would come where she actually wishes she was a jerk like him. Wishes that she has enough courage as the guy whom she loathed the most.

This is stupid.

Everything’s much too exhausting for her now. Her worries, her usual self-loathing, Miyuki not telling her what’s wrong. Exhausting. Too exhausting.

“You should eat, too, Miyuki.” Taking the hand that reached out towards her, she takes the spoon in her other and holds it out to the brunette instead, a small (and possibly pleading) smile on her face, “come on, say ‘aah’ and let’s finish this parfait, alright? Let’s go home once we’ve finished this. We’ll take the cab so you can rest. Or would you rather we go now?” Her voice is calm, or at least she tries to keep it from breaking and she miraculously succeeds. It ends up sounding hollow instead. Empty and a bit forced but it was much better that her croaking out her words.

“I’ll go pay.” It was the only excuse she could find so she could leave the table so she could collect herself much better and she takes a detour after paying for the parfait, walking inside the restroom to splash some cold water to her face. Wake herself up and stop herself from looking too much like a walking corpse and she even ends up practicing how to smile in front of the mirror despite the sickening feeling in her stomach.

She can't do anything in return for the girl, and it hurts to know that the one thing that Miyuki possibly could have done to compensate for all the pain and damage she knows she had caused the raven only added to the growing list of wrongs that wrung her insides until her heart was twisted painfully and her stomach equally unsettled. Miyuki wants to throw up, to do anything except sit in a cafe, eating a too-sweet parfait, trying her hardest not to cry in front of Sayaka because she's too weak to do anything by herself. "Okay." 

Only a single spoonful of the desert passes through her lips before Sayaka leaves to pay for the treat. Miyuki knows she's heading somewhere else first, taking her time, stalling the issue as long as possible, and she's glad that Sayaka's the one doing it instead of her. Light fingers tap against the metal of her chair as she chews up the inside of her cheek, biting and biting until there's blood, but that's okay because it doesn't hurt. As soon as she counts to seven, something inside her brain clicks and there's no more registered pain -- only a soft numbness that envelops her until she's sitting in a trance-like euphoria of absolutely nothing.

Nothing , that is, until her hand unconsciously pats at her stomach and she's forcefully transported back into reality, back into the truth that rips apart her everything once more.

Feet move before Miyuki can think about moving, her hands move to grasp Sayaka's before she can say something, and her tongue stays still throughout this all until she hastily manages to catch a taxi. Almost forcefully, she shoves Sayaka inside and burrows into her arms and side, face buried in her chest with a single heaving breath that barely contains the tears that are burning her eyes at the moment. Her shivering arms move around to grasp at her own waist as she waits for the familiar warmth to unravel the unsettling feeling of hysteria into something loving instead. Sayaka was good at that -- good at making her feel like she was loved and that she hadn't done anything wrong. 

The taxi ride is silent, as is the short walk to her apartment instead of Sayaka's place. The dogs are being taken care of by her neighbor, so it's quiet when the door creaks open and reveals an empty, slightly messy apartment filled with boxes and manuals and some child-related books stuffed in the corner. "Please don't hate me," she mumbles softly, gripping onto Sayaka's arms as the tears finally drip -- quietly, hesitantly. "Please, please don't hate me. I didn't know-- I didn't know. I'm so sorry, it was all my fault."

A pitiful mewl and a slew of apologies, of curses to herself, of sobs.

Waiting until Miyuki’s fully relaxed, the smirk that had eventually faded away from Sayaka’s lips returns as her thumbs moves to the side of the brunette’s spine, the tips of her fingers purposely missing the long crevice as they easily slides down from her shoulders to her lower back — thumbs lingering on the top of Miyuki’s hips with a steady pressure and it was entertaining, hearing Miyuki’s protests and whines, more so than Sayaka thought it would be as her palms snakes to the side of Miyuki’s waist. “A buffet, huh,” she finally answers after a moment’s pause, “you’ll get fat if you continue on pigging out like this and maybe I should set a limit as to how many coupons you can use in one day. You don’t exactly plan on using them all in one day, right?” The raven chuckled.

Finally wriggling free from Sayaka's grasp, Miyuki pulls her shirt back over (ignoring the way the ointment seeps into the fabric via her skin), and rolls off the bed, heading off toward the bathroom to shower off the goo and, well, to get ready for a date. Her birthday date. "I can use as any coupons as I want -- I'm the birthday girl!" She calls from the bathroom, already stripping her shirt off as the water cascaded behind her, mirror already gathering condensation as she steps fall. "Oh, and look nice please! I'm going to consider this our official first date, even if we went on plenty before."

The search was quick and soon enough, Sayaka’s already climbing back on the bed, uncapping the bottle and pouring a bit of the ointment into her palm; setting the bottle down on the nightstand so she could rub her hands together. “I’m lifting your shirt up, alright?” Why was she even asking permission? Making sure that there was a pillow placed beneath Miyuki’s chest, Sayaka carefully rolls the brunette’s shirt up, her hand, which was still wet and a bit sticky from the ointment, pressing against Miyuki’s shoulder blades once they were visible.

"Mmm... How about we go to the park and walk around? Have some dinner and then come back here. I heard from Kei that there's this good buffet place near the park that's kind of expensive, but I suppose I could pay for the both of us since it is my birthday. By the way, I'm also cashing in the cuddles coupon," the card leaves her hand and flutters into Sayaka's lap as the raven's hands were currently preoccupied on an especially bad knot, "I want to sleep with your arms around me tonight! Hehe, sounds like we're lovers, huh?"