🦋Neo🦋

... I'm. Amazed.. at how fast.. fasting has made me drop weight... one week... down 10lbs... TEN!

You know what keeps me going, what keeps me restricting and fasting?

Autumn 🍂

Hear me out real quick though.

Fall, right? Sweater weather, pretty colors, the smell of apple cider and coffee, shorter days, and all those wonderful things. They're what I look forward to all damn year. Since my good ol' buddy ana is back in town, she's got me thinking of how great it's gonna be to wake up, put on comfy and cozy clothes, oversized sweaters that won't look bulky or like... they fit; but instead looking small and thin. Having them slide off one shoulder and being able to see my collar bones. Going to the mall and picking out candles amd pretty smelling body sprays without a care in the world. Without worrying if my double chin is showing or thinking someone is judging me for how unflatteringly tight my clothes look. She puts the image of going to a coffee shop with a messy bun and sweatpants; of having a cami top or whatever I want on because everything looks nice on you when you're skinny. I love the images she give me. They make me so motivated. I will be my UGW by fall this year. It will be the best autumn so far. She reminds me to only eat half of whatever I eat... IF I eat. She keeps me on top of following my fasting timer.

I need to drop another 25-30 lbs though. I think I can do it. I'll be working 10 hour shifts, 4 days a week starting in a few days. It'll be easy to distract from hunger. On my days off I'll work out or pick up an extra shift. I'll get there. The grumble in my stomach right now is so motivating. I'm so happy right now and looking forward to thriving this fall 🍂😊🎃

Do I recommend befriending her to people who haven't already? Absolutely not so please do not get the wrong idea. I'm just putting what's in my head out into a safe space. Not promoting or encouraging anything.

First day after a week long binge.

May 15, 2021

Just woke up. Damn last night was rough. Had a bad breakdown and freakout about how much I've been eating over the week and how gross my reflection looks.

May 14, 2021. Cal count: idefk

I'm so disgusted with myself and I gotta get it out. Little bit of back story here, yesterday was my mom and sister birthday and they planned a trip to the ocean for the weekend. They wanted me to come with if I was still off work from an injury. Checked in with the Dr. and I'm still out for a while, so I went with. Got myself a new swimsuit and sandals. Completely forgot how hard I've binged the week I've been out of work on OJI. We drove the 4 hours out and are hanging out. It's cool. Sister and her friend that came with wanted to go to the pool which was expected. I went into the bathroom and changed into my new swimsuit. Size is perfect but.. the way my body looks in it.. I almost had a meltdown looking in the mirror. Why do I look like this. Why did I eat so much. I was doing so well. I hardly ate and got to one of my weight goals. I probably went right back up to where I started. I'm gonna lose my mind. I'm here with family for their birthday and can't skip out on eating the whole time.. I'm so stressed ... I don't wanna make them think anything is wrong. But I can't handle the monstrosity I see in the mirror. I sat poolside in sweats and a hoody the whole time. I couldn't do it. Couldn't just get over it and go swimming with my sister. I feel like a bad big sister.. I'll make it up to her. I'll take her to go get nails done or something... I hate this. I care breaking my fasts and binging. If I could just stick to it, I'd be a million times happier. Why am I like this?

I've found an odd but slightly satisfying way of avoiding binging.

I flew to Cali for a weekend and got those plane cookies. The biscoff ones. They're so good. 70 cals per package (2 biscuits). I kinda put them in my bag and forgot about them till a few mins ago while putting my stuff away. I'm supposed to be on a 24-30 hour fast today but I kinda zoned out and bit one, which I then ran to the bathroom and spit it into the toilet. But I kept doing that. Biting. Chewing so I can taste it, but then spat it into the toilet. It looks so gross in the toilet and made me not wanna eat anymore. I made sure to swish water around and spit it as well so I don't swallow any of the biscuits. It felt good. I didn't binge. I'm still fasting. If I swallowed any small bits, it wasn't nearly enough to end a fast between spitting it out and swishing water.