sunburst

replaying p3 and the answer/aigis ep is such a trip after the last year and a half. i think the reason i'm fixated on yukari's grief and the way fandom has treated her after all these years (though it's arguably better than it was in the 2000s) is the fact i can relate now to that grief, anger and resentment she carries with her.

seek being gone is still something i grapple with on some days. some more than others, but ultimately, there's a lot of anger and grief i hold with no place to go.

and it makes me feel resentful and isolated. i don't feel there is a single person i can talk to about these feelings. i also know there is no one i can talk to about it.

she died and life moved on.

the few times i have tried to talk about it, to touch on these feelings, met with a resounding silence. it's hard not to feel incredibly isolated in these thoughts, among so many other struggles with mental health. i can't even talk about march anymore with people without the awkward silence or dismissal of it.

and it builds resentment, when you can see others around you are able to engage with others about similar problems and needing support -- and getting that support. you wonder, why am i disregarded when i need it? why am i not worthy of the support and comfort others seem to get so easily?

and you feel like an angry high schooler again, like this is some kind of popularity contest, even though logically you know it isn't.

but you fade into the silence and nobody notices. you stop talking about these things and nobody notices.