Thoughts of a Nebbish Scot

The weekend is upon me and the emotions are indescribable. Awful times lie ahead.

I’ll see you when you get there folks,

Nebbish Scot

Yet…

Looking back on last night’s post I can relive the complete falling apart of my mind and heart as I posted in frustration, anger and upset. Life goes on so they say and I am away this weekend.

For most people a weekend away means excitement and joy. For myself and many others it means nerves and anxiety.

It is Morrissey though, which is my all time dream and I plan on NOT fucking it up for…

Everything. Freedom: the right to live freely and make personal choices.

Why do I fuck up everything so badly? Why can’t I just be sensible and rid myself of my damaging impulses. Why, when I’ve met a girl several times am I feeling so anxious about the possibility of seeing her again?

What exactly have I offered this world? What can I sit down at night and think to myself, “I’ve helped” or made…

…But nor far from it

I really like this girl. Every time we meet it’s like it’s a signal we are meant to have fun and be with each other. I don’t mean on a permanent basis or anything but we just seem to click.

She is beautiful, she makes me confident and best of all she makes me laugh.

Tomorrow night is huge and I am bricking it. The negativity says nothing will come of it and I may not see her…

“I’m a worthless fucking drug addict” were the words I used when I opened up about my problems. Valium has been a problem for too long and already, at 23 I am paying the price. Memory loss, the shakes, you name it: I don’t wish it on my worst enemy.

When one or two 10 mg tablets are taken for the first time I swear it is the best feeling ever.

Now my addiction worker has made me see that quitting…

Don’t catch me

Right from the off, this post may sound extremely negative but I wish to write and prove otherwise.

Having had a long hard think about my life last night I came up with a plan of sorts. I am now 100% honest with those I love and plan to continue that honesty.

However, as things may be stable right now, I know there will come a time when they are not okay and things will go pear…

Tick, tock, tick, tock

When it feels like the end is inevitable.

I came back from the pub to my room one night in the city while studying at University. I didn’t feel at all well. I had 1 Magners while on Citalopram and I instantly had an urge to end it.

Slamming the door shut was not an option; I quietly made my way into my room as to not disturb my boringly average flatmates. I looked around and considered how I…

A hard task.

Many of my actions have been shameful and I admit that I am absolutely disgusted with myself. I have the gift of a loving and forgiving family.

I can not runaway any more. There is nowhere I run off to and hide from the truth and the inevitable consequences will come my way. It’s about accepting that and dealing it with like an adult and not a petulant kid as I have done in the past.

When I think back on many of the things I have failed at in life I remember my old GP saying “you are surviving”. That itself is an achievement.

Although sometimes it felt like surviving was the opposite of what I wanted.

If you are in a bad way. Survive. Don’t do what I did. Ignore risks and survive as long as you possibly can.

My first attempt

She left without goodbye, 3 years ago

And the tears continue to this day

Love will pay

And I miss her every day

She was the one

And now I’m lost

The heart feels like a ton

I picture her smile

It makes me frown

When all I want to do is drown

Suicide has come and gone

And 3 years is too long

How long will it last?

When does the past stop haunting

Meeting a girl remains daunting

It’…

Denial is not the answer

I remember reading about the sheer amount of people who hate being diagnosed with Borderline personality disorder and I can clearly see why. The term “Borderline” for starters. But also doctor’s views on it as something not as serious as manic depression or Bipolar and I think that what frustrates people.

There are so many familiarities.

In my bad times I not only deny…

Progress

It was only last night that I was kicking myself. Asking myself how it came to this? Fuck. How did I manage to mess this up, what went wrong?

Today I made the effort to go to the Community mental health team (who as you know I’ve been sceptical of in the past) and it looks like I may just get the help I need by this time next week.

I just hope I can get through the next week relatively…

Nebbish Arduous Scot “Bad memories console you”

I woke up a lot more positive today, right from the minute I got up I could tell things weren’t going to be as bad as the last couple of days and felt so much better for coming clean with my parents about everything. I then saw smoking matters and am trying to cut down on the snouts.

There’s no words that can really describe me as a person. No…

Truth is the way forward

No more bullshit to my family. I’ve let them down enough in my life and I’ve done some fucking awful things. Things that a son should never do to anyone, let alone their own family.

It was an upsetting conversation but I had to do it and I told the truth. Straight from the heart. It hurt like fuck but I did it. They know now what has been going on and they know the…

I may be in love

This girl I met a few weekends ago means a lot to me. So it was with great disappointment that nothing really came of it. I haven’t felt this way about someone since my ex in the city at University, yet they are completely different people.

Everyone I know goes away in the end but I feel like she is a keeper. She has similar issues. We can have fun, a laugh and talk things…

Mental health community

When I first started writing this blog many months ago I wasn’t sure what to expect. Part of me was obviously very nervous about writing about my personal experiences with depression and anxiety. Since then however, I have an outstandingly positive response – especially from the United States which is more great news for me.

I was always told to aim high and I am now…

To survive