𝙉𝙀𝘿𝙎𝙏𝙊𝙋𝙃𝙀𝙍.

dear ned,

     moderately good? the way she tells it, she misses you like crazy. she’s hovering over my shoulder right now, so i’m being forced to tell you hi and to “call sometime and ask how she is yourself.” her words, clearly. 

     while switzerland is a beautiful country, i think you’d get bored fairly quickly there. i know i did, even with a mystery to solve. once you’ve seen all the touristy sights worth seeing, it’s just another country. funny how they all start to get like that after a while. maybe i’m just lucky there’s no company forcing me to take breaks, though; i never was good at sticking around anywhere for too long. still can’t, honestly. there’s always a mystery somewhere, and i’m always looking for it. 

     don’t worry, seatbelts on and my new car even has airbags. i’m the poster child for safe driving these days. 

     i’m going to hold you to that, dr. nickerson. you can tell me all about your adventures. 

                                                                      love,                                                                           nancy

dear nancy, 

i wasn’t going to write back  —  just wait and see if we ran into each other in river heights.  actually, i don’t even know if this letter will get to you before i’m home (or at all.  i’m still pretty amazed you’ve received all the letters i’ve sent so far.  the post is really unreliable down here), but there’s this little girl down here, and she makes me think a lot of you.  she’s always getting into things she shouldn’t be  —  you know the type. 

i’m just kidding.  she’s really smart, and she’s better than basically everybody at everything at the school we’ve set up here with some of the peace corp teachers.  she wants to be a doctor.  that’s not really like you, i know.  maybe i’m just projecting onto this kid.  maybe i just miss you. 

i wasn’t planning on writing that.  but it’s true.  i miss you, and i hope i get to see you soon.  maybe i’m just getting lonely down here.  maybe those breaks are a good idea, after all. 

i hope you’re doing well. 

Instead of relief at the recourse to lie, blame this all on a case or anything other than what it was, a hungry bit of guilt nettled away in his head. He slipped down into the sofa further, a display of comfortability, though that is exactly what it was—a display—and every twenty breaths or so, he’d find another part of Ned Nickerson to analyze. What was it about the man that could make him feel so rotten in comparison? Was it the lips he’d known had grazed the same ones he’d grazed? Or the hands that were just as strong as his own, though with different stories behind them—the hands that shared memories with his, snapshots of a person somehow always out of reach.

Or was it something deeper, something Frank couldn’t see, nor needed to analyze, because it had been shown and proven to him time and again like it was now. Ned was simply better. He was good. He was honest. And he never would have done this to him. 

The weird fog of self-reproach whirled back in, but this time it gnawed antagonistically like it hadn’t before. “The Network.” He smiled. “I’m fine, it’s uh.. not work.” Despite the height of the situation that Ned was unaware of, Frank was curious. His eyes dropped, he planned, brow furrowed, and finally, he told a small truth. “Callie and I broke up, you know.” This was an admission, not a lie, though… not what was wrong. Frank would use this as a rationalization technique to his loopholes in his misdoings; this redirection that was occurring, if you will. Though that’s all it was. A technique. And of no importance to anyone but himself—a teensy attempt at making himself feel… I don’t know… better about himself, I guess.

“I don’t think I’m upset about it anymore, but you know, she wanted things that I didn’t.”

𝙞𝙛  𝙛𝙧𝙖𝙣𝙠  𝙩𝙚𝙡𝙡𝙨  𝙝𝙞𝙢  𝙖𝙗𝙤𝙪𝙩  𝙗𝙧𝙚𝙖𝙠𝙞𝙣𝙜  𝙪𝙥  𝙬𝙞𝙩𝙝  𝙘𝙖𝙡𝙡𝙞𝙚  𝙗𝙚𝙛𝙤𝙧𝙚  𝙣𝙤𝙬,  𝙣𝙚𝙙  𝙙𝙤𝙚𝙨𝙣'𝙩  𝙧𝙚𝙢𝙚𝙢𝙗𝙚𝙧.   that makes him feel absolutely terrible, of course.  he frowns.   “ 𝚘𝚑,  𝚖𝚊𝚗.  𝚒'𝚖  𝚜𝚘𝚛𝚛𝚢.  𝚢𝚘𝚞  𝚐𝚞𝚢𝚜  𝚠𝚎𝚛𝚎  𝚝𝚘𝚐𝚎𝚝𝚑𝚎𝚛  𝚊  𝚕𝚘𝚗𝚐  𝚝𝚒𝚖𝚎,  𝚠𝚎𝚛𝚎𝚗'𝚝  𝚢𝚘𝚞? ”   strange though  —  ned does always forget frank is dating someone over the years, and he kind of feels like frank forgets, too, occasionally. 

     𝚜𝚑𝚎 𝚑𝚊𝚍𝚗’𝚝 𝚎𝚡𝚙𝚎𝚌𝚝𝚎𝚍 𝚝𝚑𝚎 𝚝𝚎𝚡𝚝 𝚖𝚎𝚜𝚜𝚊𝚐𝚎. she hadn’t expected any communication at all, considering how their last talk had gone. the way he’d left her house, the silence that had followed… even carson’s questions about why he was leaving had gone unanswered. she’d been silent at dinner that night, and breakfast the next morning, and every meal that followed. she could tell hannah and her father were whispering their concerns to one another, but neither of them asked nancy directly, and for once, she was grateful to be left alone. her solitude was all she had left. 

     the text was the first time she’d picked up her phone in the days since the break up. was it even that? it wasn’t like they’d say so. and while even bess’s messages had gone unanswered, she certainly couldn’t avoid this. she didn’t want to, either. there’d been a chill in the air that ned had left in his wake, and while nancy wasn’t sure she was going to feel any better after this meeting, she certainly wasn’t going to deny ned anything he asked of her now. 

     but she was clearly off of her game when she was confronted with ned’s older sister. there was no doubt in her mind that andrea knew everything, so when the eldest nickerson stepped out onto the porch instead of inviting her inside, nancy wasn’t going to argue. maybe it was the habit of disuse that kept her silent, arms crossed tight in the mirror image of andrea’s stance, though there was a clear difference here — one of them held power, and for once in her life, it wasn’t nancy. 

     there’s no relief at ned’s appearance, only minimal once andrea leaves, and all the redhead can do is nod slowly before following him around to the familiar backyard. how many summer days had they spent back here, playing softball with his sisters or laying out to read… 

     she has to shake the memory now, focusing on ned standing in front of her. for the first time in days, she opens her mouth to speak. “i’m… glad you text me.” but was she, really? 

𝙝𝙚  𝙨𝙞𝙩𝙨  𝙤𝙣  𝙩𝙝𝙚  𝙡𝙤𝙬  𝙬𝙖𝙡𝙡,  𝙡𝙚𝙖𝙫𝙞𝙣𝙜  𝙥𝙡𝙚𝙣𝙩𝙮  𝙤𝙛  𝙧𝙤𝙤𝙢  𝙛𝙤𝙧  𝙝𝙚𝙧  𝙩𝙤  𝙨𝙞𝙩,  𝙩𝙤𝙤.   but he doesn’t push it on her  —  doesn’t ask her to sit.  he looks out over the river, long legs swinging a bit idly over the wall, sneakers brushing lightly against the city’s overgrown bank of grass.  he shrugs.   “ 𝚒  𝚠𝚊𝚜𝚗'𝚝  𝚜𝚞𝚛𝚎  𝚢𝚘𝚞'𝚍  𝚜𝚑𝚘𝚠  𝚞𝚙, ”   he says.   “ 𝚘𝚛  𝚊𝚗𝚜𝚠𝚎𝚛. ”   long-gone are those days of letting her get away with blowing him off, apparently;  that filter isn’t there anymore. 

he never really feels like she doesn’t want to talk to him, to be fair, not even over the long years they’ve dated because, to be fair, a lot of the time, he’s just as bad as she is about replying to texts.  calling people back is one thing he’s good at, and she’s fairly good at it, too  —  they get along well that way.  but that’s about it, and sometimes she’s bad at that.  or, she’s just bad at it with him.  he’s never sure over the years because joe will mention talking with nancy during times when ned texts her on cases, asking questions or just wanting to check in, and she never gets back to him.  ned never thinks too much about it.  he’s helpful, he supposes, but he’s not a detective like frank and joe, so naturally nancy would seek out their help.  they’re all friends, too.  yeah, he never thinks too much about it. 

he should have. 

THE  SEEKER  ( OR  EXPLORER ) 

the seeker leaves the known to discover and explore the unknown.  this inner-rugged individual braves loneliness and isolation to seek out new paths.  often oppositional, this iconoclastic archetype helps us discover our uniqueness, our perspectives, and our callings.  seekers are looking for something that will improve their life in some way, but in doing so they may not realize that they have a lot already inside of themselves.  they embrace learning and are ambitious, and often tend to avoid the encumbrance of support from others.  needing to “do it themselves,” they keep moving until they find their goal (and usually their true self too).

SHADOW SIDE :   THE  PERFECTIONIST .  this will manifest itself in your life as the tendency to always strive to measure up to an impossible goal or to find the “right” solution.  we see this shadow element in people whose main life activity is self-improvement: going from health club to health club, traveling the world, bouncing back and forth through self-improvement seminars and workshops, etc.  if this sounds like you, you might wind up feeling as though you haven't really accomplished anything through a lack of commitment.

dear ned, 

      i’ll be honest with you… when i saw your name on the corner of that envelope, i thought it might have been a prank at first. please thank peggy for me. i’m really grateful that you decided to reply, too. no matter how long it took, it’s just good to hear from you again. i wasn’t sure i would. i also wasn’t sure i was going to reply, but bess said it couldn’t hurt. i hope she’s not wrong about that.

     paraguay, huh? if i’m being perfectly honest, and please don’t hate me for it, i’ve… been keeping tabs on you when i can find things out. you know how it is in river heights… people love to talk, especially about things that make them proud. you’re a big hit. for good reason, too. what you’re doing sounds amazing. i’d love to hear more about it, if you want to tell me.

     are you happy? i hope you are, too… 

                                                                       love,                                                                             nancy

dear nancy, 

i guess i should ask you to thank bess for me, too.  glad to know i’m still moderately ‘good’ in her book.  hope the same is true for george, and i hope they’re both doing well. 

paraguay for the next two months, then it’s back to the states for a little while.  they insist we take some breaks between trips for health and wellness reasons, but you know me:  i’d rather stay busy.  i don’t usually pay attention to things people say, you know that.  but i do love what i do, and i’m happy.  i could never make it in a regular u.s. hospital  —  not for long, anyway.  this is better, even though mom still hopes i’ll accept a residency somewhere that isn’t in the middle of civil unrest one day.  becky asked her if she wanted me to work in switzerland the last time she brought it up.  

i assume you’re still solving cases and saving the world?  if you’re happy, you’re definitely solving plenty of mysteries.  hope you’re at least wearing a seatbelt while you’re doing it, especially if you still drive as fast. 

maybe we’ll cross paths when i’m home in a few months.  coffee is on me if we do.