live long and prosper

I've lost a lot of good friends that I cared about over the years. Reading through the old posts, replies, comments, it brings back good memories, and bad ones.

I hope one day, I can figure out what's wrong with me.

Ever since then, I feel like there is a core need I have been trying to suppress for a long time. In all my past relationships there was always an unattainable version of myself that I could never reach. A person that no matter how hard I tried, I could never become.

With each person I meet, the pattern seems to be the same. What starts out as innocent love quickly turns into unrelenting standards - either set by myself, or the expectation to be a certain version of myself I can never reach. And the loss of each meaningful relationship just makes me feel more and more worthless each time.

Though I keep feeling like I'm making personal progress, the humbling evidence tells me that I am just never good enough for someone to stay around. It's a never-ending cycle that I seem like I can't escape.

This is definitely the hardest breakup I've ever been through. We went through so much together. I changed a lot. But the truth that I've discovered behind all of this is, that as much as I need to work on myself to get better, I also need to be aware of my own needs instead of suppressing them for the sake of another.

Marred by unpleasant and traumatising past experiences, I oftentimes find what I'm currently experiencing, hard to believe. Over and over I'll ask myself, do I deserve to be this happy? Is this too good to be true?

I mean I know I've exclaimed this is different this time over and over again, but this time around, it really does feel different. It's a kind of feeling that I have never experienced before, not ever in any relationship I've ever had in the past. It's something I can't even begin to describe, but when people often say the phrase 'when you know, you know', it all makes so much sense to me now. It is literally like that.

Relationships should never feel difficult. Falling in love with someone should never be something you feel like you are forced to do - it should just come naturally. A relationship should never stress you out. Like Yin and Yang, when two people fit together, it should require next to no effort at all. Naturally, you should just gravitate towards each other without having to go to extremes, or try too hard. And with you, that is exactly how I feel.

How is it possible to feel such happiness? How is it possible that two people can be so similar? It feels like a dream come true. In my dreams, there always existed a girl who would constantly appear. Her face was never clear. It was different every time. It was blurry, and I would forget by the time I woke up. I was always happy when I was with this person, and I imagined her to be my ideal partner. I would always dismiss this as nonsense, since who ever meets the girl of their dreams? Yet the more time we spend together, the clearer the image of this girl becomes. She's standing right in front of me. Her eyes shimmering and smile radiating such positivity and happiness - and all I can think of is, how can somebody be so perfect? Or more specifically, how can somebody so perfect feel exactly the same way about me as I about them?

I've been trying really hard to find myself in these past 6 months. I've tried to adopt new lifestyle changes and tried to find new meaning and look forwards instead of backwards. You'd think that with a 9-5 job I'd be much happier, but the truth is I'm really not. I'm still trying to seek happiness, or at least just a way to be at peace with everything. But I am still as lost as ever - the only difference now is that I have literally no time to think anymore.

A question was posed to me last week - 'why do you want to be in a relationship?', and since then, I haven't been able to stop thinking about it. Why do I want to be in a relationship? Has every date I've been on and every girl I've been involved with in the last six months been completely meaningless and just a way to try and forget? No. To me, they were still meaningful relationships, as fleeting as they were. But by this point I must ask myself, what exactly is the point of all of it? Why am I trying so hard? Will this bring me purpose and happiness? The answer is no, it really won't.

Still, I'd like to think I've made considerable personal progress. I have tried to live by the words 'be water', and have sought to think more positively and try be more adaptable when faced with resistance instead of being an immovable wall. For all the pain that was inflicted upon me, I was only able to move forwards and change myself because of you. Opportunities only presented themselves afterwards. And for that, I should still thank you after all.

Don't get me wrong, I am happy with my new lifestyle changes. I'm enjoying work, and I'm sleeping at regular hours. I'm forging new friendships, and I'm no longer stressed out about money and being unemployed. I'm grateful for this job, since it really did save me. Where would I be now without it? Probably in a much darker place, loathing myself. But something is still missing. It's a strange feeling. For the first time in years, I no longer desire to be in a relationship. Freeing in some ways, hindering in others. What do I want? What makes me happy? What is my purpose in life?