the moment that take my breath away

It was Thursday and I feel and look pretty, so I don’t need any approval from anyone but when you told me I look amazing,  I felt my heart couldn't beat enough. We were sitting on the grass, overlooking the river and everything feels calm but when you reached my hand, I felt my heart couldn't beat enough. Walking along your side in unforgotten corners of London, I feel a bit lost but when you held my hand, I feel this where I belong, and I felt my heart couldn’t beat enough

 By the time, the sun slowly fades away I fell so hard for you but you told me don’t fall for you but then you kissed me softly, and I felt my heart couldn't beat enough. You pulled me closer and say my name,  I can feel I drop my guard to let you in, and I felt my heart couldn't beat enough

 Sleeping on Friday morning, I lie next to you and see your sleeping face,  I felt my heart couldn't beat enough and I know this is a memory that I will never forget.

When it comes to our relationship,, it was about stolen time, stolen moments, stolen nights and stolen sunrise. 

Stateless, Unattached, Distant,  But at the same time... Demanding, Longing, Intimate

I remember our last stolen time like it was yesterday. Between Papua, Jakarta and NY, like always, our stolen time was in the airport. I remember I was very tired that day, one of the time periods when work takes most of my time and energy. I was hesitating to meet you - last time, when we met, you are in a bad mood but I guess that's not the reason, I think I simply can’t endure another goodbye. 

But, I love you so much and I want to see you badly - so I went to see you. 

It was midnight. 

You already fell asleep... but I see your eyes light up when you see me.

You looked more skinny from the last time I saw you and when you hold me, I  could feel your bones beneath your clothes.  Beneath your clothes, like you always do, you wear the crucifix around your neck but this time you don't feel the need to remove it when you hold me. When you leaned toward me, the crucifix fell to my bare chest, where lies my love to you. I remember touched the crucifix feeling jealous because it gets close to you all the time and also anxious at the same time, as the crucifix is a constant reminder about the unspoken thing. 

The sky quickly takes on shades of orange, sunrise seems to comes quickly that day. I don’t really recall what we did that night. I do however vividly remember that you are the sweetest that night,  that I feel closer to you more than ever. I remember we didn’t talk a lot but I remember the look in your green eye when you stared at me. I remember your touch, sad smile and wandering eyes. And I remember that I wondered what you think about us but I don't want to talk about it.

We took the shuttle to the airport, your flight was at 4 AM. You don't like public display affection but I remember that you held my hand the whole way and you gave me a tight huge. I was still there at Terminal 2 until your back is missing from my sight and somehow I know it was the last time, I will ever see you. 

Me: Now, I like you and I know that this feeling is just a shout into the void, and that oblivion is inevitable, and that we're all doomed and that there will come a day when all our labour has been returned to dust, and I know the sun will swallow the only earth we'll ever have but now I like you.

I think It was August 2015, a period I call lost time because I lost myself during that time. It was almost midnight and I know tomorrow is his birthday but he told me he doesn't feel to celebrate so I didn't prepare anything.

We were in is his room, in silent, his hand wrapped around me.  And it's finally 00:00 so I told him Happy Birthday and I told him I wish him the best, health and happiness and opportunities to celebrate more birthday together (if only I knew it will be the last time we celebrated a birthday together, I will say more and stay longer)

Someone called him (it's her I know from the voice), I can't understand what they said but I guess she told him Happy Birthday... I guess.. I feel a bit of jealous for whoever who can call him in the middle of the night but he was with me during all those time so I feel better and all the time during the call, his hand wrapped around me.  

Him: That might be true but I smile to you more than I smile to anyone else

I think the title tells everything.. when you are travelling and you are not alone. sometimes, what is important is not the destination but the people you are travelling with. For me,  it is true for when i am travelling with people i have relationship with

I have mental pictures of places i want to visit at the best time and the ideas of having my partner travelling with me either makes the picture better or worse depends on how my overall feeling toward him. Does it makes me a bad person?

Recently, someone is asking me to travelling to a place that i am never been to and it is in my bucket list to go there but i just cant say yes because even though the destination is in my bucket list, the ideas of travelling with him do not move me at all.

 Most of the time, our brain works on re-creating past experience or creating our vision of something.  Something about past experience is

sometimes it only takes one song to bring back a thousand memories.

Free Failing song for me will bring a thousand memories, good memories. Memories that i want to hold on, memories about tropical rain, black sand beach, rice field, ambush kiss in narrow street at Ubud. Beyond the physical memories,  the memories i am most fond of are memories of the feeling i felt those days, the feeling how happy i am,  the feeling when i am floating on the water over looking dark sky in the night and shed of light in the sky after the rain. the feeling of having someone who look you in the eyes, the feeling of being at home..

Some people looking for meaningless interaction with strangers just to fill the empty room inside. Why are we doing that? Is it because we are too afraid to have a real interaction or are we too damaged from the real interaction? Or are we simply looking for a some physical and mental connection from others? a light touch.. a hug... hand holding.. a conversation.. 

The thing about meaningless interaction is for some point it  may not meaningless anymore for one party, there will be attachment and when it is not the mutual feeling,  what supposed to fill the empty room just make the emptiness larger.. 

Me: Hi you

Him: Hi -scary- was about to call you..

"It may be unfair, but what happens in a few days, sometimes even a single day, can change the course of a whole lifetime..."  — Khaled Hosseini (The Kite Runner)

"Have you ever been in love? Horrible isn't it? It makes you so vulnerable. It opens your chest and it opens up your heart and it means that someone can get inside you and mess you up. You build up all these defenses, you build up a whole suit of armor, so that nothing can hurt you, then one stupid person, no different from any other stupid person, wanders into your stupid life...You give them a piece of you. They didn't ask for it. They did something dumb one day, like kiss you or smile at you, and then your life isn't your own anymore". - Neil Gaiman (The Sandman, Vol. 9: The Kindly Ones (The Sandman #9))