N A V Y G R E E N

I wish he was too. I wanna be laying on his chest. Take me back 20 hours and I’d be there. His sleep habits don’t match. This heartburn makes me wish I didn’t have a chest. I wanna vomit in more ways than just these words. I need sleep. Probably don’t deserve it but damn I’d rather be sleeping than struggling to breathe. Man I miss him. I bed I’d sleep if he was here. He always puts me to ease.

Can’t go a night without feeling sick. Not like me at all. I just want to sleep. I didn’t even have coffee today. I’m afraid of what’s going on. I just want to throw up. Ugh I wish I didn’t want to throw up.

Dad took this.

When I wanna post something about her but question it cause everything you do these days on social media is for attention. I wish I could say that I’m doing it solely to get it off my chest but that’s not true. I want people to know it’s her birthday. It’s a good day. It’s a hard day but it’s a special day. It’s nothing like dad when he texts us. It’s just a happy birthday.

It’s always his words that stick with me. I don’t think it’s strangers. Strangers don’t know you. They don’t know your favorite color changes from black to orange to yellow to red with the tides. Or that you dance when you eat and don’t like ice cream without sprinkles. Strangers see you for a split second and judge you on their own insecurities. When he says things to me, they stick. They repeat. I wanna be better for him.

Clarity

I’d like to wish my mom a very happy 60th birthday.

Everyone is always saying ‘one day’. Have you noticed that? “One day I’ll make it. One day I’ll say that. One day.” I’m guilty. I probably say it to at least one person a day. Especially at work when I’m making mindless conversation with strangers I see every 4 to 6 weeks. “One day I’ll have money. One day I’ll be famous.” And I half smile. But that that man. Today. Today I’m gonna work at it. I’m gonna make strides. I’m gonna be better. This day.

Is that good? I’m pretty sure that not good but hey I’m thinking. IM ALIVE. Who are we kidding I’m insane. Must be better to think too much than too little though. Yeah I’m gonna count that as a win.

I don’t have the motivation. I’ve gained almost 30 pounds back since my relationship. ‘Fat and happy’ is no joke people. But you know what I do have the motivation for? Cleaning my room, getting presents organized, putting laundry away, taking a shower, painting my nails. I have motivation for some self love which is enough for me.

You should go feel that. I hope you feel that.