Rating the DS9 bridge crew’s skill in bed from 1-10 bc I’ve lost control of my life
1.) Jadzia Dax: Duh, she’s lived so many lives- she’s had so many bodies, and she’s fucked so many people… She’s an experienced legend. She’s a freak in the sheets and you just know it. IMMACULATE. You will think about the one night you shared for the rest of your sad cold life. 10/10
2.) Julian Bashir: Listen, he’s a doctor, he’s genetically augmented (read: stamina), he’s got long fingers, AND he’s an obsessive people pleaser. The odds that he’s bad in bed feel low. However, he will make you listen to his stupid salutatorian story while he’s literally inside of you so we’re subtracting .5 for that and another .5 for the inevitability of the foot fetish (add back the .5 if that works for you). 9/10
3.) Ben Sisko: He’s a pretty busy and distracted guy, what with the war and everything. But he’s a sensualist- he’s the long and languid type. The only thing he eats out is his woman, and then he’ll make her gumbo. Still- all I can ever picture is him yelling “HA!” while he… 8/10
4.) Worf: Kind of vanilla, and filled with sexual hang ups about being “a good Klingon” however, he DOES marry Jadzia. So that says something. Ultimately a solid lover who will get the job done, and becomes more impressive with a lover as good as Jadzia. 8/10 bc they weren’t married very long (10/10 if she hadn’t died and instead lived a long healthy and sexy life)
5.) Miles O’Brien: Because I respect Keiko with my whole heart, I choose to believe he’s packing heat and he takes CARE of his woman. However, he is very often thinking about Julian and/or self-sealing stem bolts. Still. He knows how to please his wife very well, thank you very much. My boy loves a challenge. 7/10
6.) Kira Nerys: Woof…. I wish I could give her a high rating but her taste in men is “how close can they get to paint drying?” And she kept asking that question until she met a man who could literally become drying paint and fell in love. Sad but true. A bit vanilla and thinks about the prophets the whole time. Not “bad” but… not good. 5/10
7.) Odo: Though he CAN shape shift into anything kinky you want him to, he won’t do it. Also he doesn’t feel pleasure of the flesh. And he’s kind of an awkward guy. The amount of “HMPHS!” in gruff tones you’d have to hear… 4/10 (however, if you’re another Changeling he can fuck for 3 straight days so… 10/10)
Non-Bridge Honorable Mention:
Garak: He’s either the best you’ve ever had because he was a slutty spy, or he sucks and all he thinks about is Cardassia the whole time and can only orgasm if you sing the Cardassian national anthem. There is no in between. 6/10
Quark: A selfish slut, but a slut none the less. He’s a bargain pussy and he’s not negotiating up. He will not pay for dinner and will charge you latinum if he feels unsatisfied (he will not offer you your money back if you are unsatisfied, however). 111/10. No notes.
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