getting bad again

there is no point to anything and i have lost the ability to feel anything but overwhelming anxiety and nausea and loneliness

and theres so much fucked up shit happening rn in the world and i cant stop any of it or even help in a meaningful way

and nothing in my personal life brings me joy anymore

me: doing well

1) oooooof the more i learn about adhd the more im like well fuck. bc it would explain a whole lot. im gonna talk to a professional abt this soon hopefully but oof oof oof it would make a lot of things click.

2) my moms parents keep gendering me correctly and then “correcting” themselves and misgendering me and it’s really an odd dynamic. also even he/him and they/them make me feel weird now, probably because my sense of self is fucked and i forget that i am a person with whom others interact and have a concept of because i don’t actually exist to myself. fun!

3) i am thinking about how im going to have to fight for recognition my whole life and am pre-emptively exhausted. i don’t mind working my ass off but i wish i didn’t have to do it for the bare minimum of acknowledgement of my existence. and it’s never going to be easy for me, and i know nothing worth having comes easily, but god damn. i don’t have natural talent or charisma, i’ve worked really fucking hard to get to where i am, and i still feel like i’m nowhere. and it doesn’t help that my peers and professors keep reinforcing that. i’ll never be a leading man, i might never even make it to broadway. and i’ll fucking fight to make it but it’s so frustrating to watch everyone else get everything you’ve ever wanted when you know you’ll never get there.

also theres someone who makes me feel really icky and i shouldnt have let them follow my finsta bc now every time they post im gonna be anxious