It's been 2 years since I've gotten dolled up to go out. I've been focusing on my girls, the house and getting fit, I don't even wear makeup anymore. Maybe twice a month or so if we're going out on a family night, but even then it's usually a light cover up and breastfeeding friendly clothes. I haven't brushed my hair much, I didn't realize how tangled it was. I'm so quick to get dressed and back to the baby that I normally throw it in a top knot. The horror it was when I tried flat ironing my hair last night, I had the worst knot ever. Lol omg I was so bummed with myself for being careless with myself.

We went to a quinceanera last night for a family friend daughter. It was fun, it was nice to see familiar faces. We didn't stay long because Olivia was over the mariachi band after a while, she kept fussing. Plus she's a bit congested. Eli has to work early today as well. Overall we had a good night and I was able to break out my dusty ass heels. I miss my shoes. Funny thing is walking to the car I had to kick them off. These feet are used to sandals these days. I honestly couldn't wait to get in my tank and yoga pants. My boobs were engorged from my lack of feeding. I tried to feed her at the party but she had too many distractions she kept pulling off.

Today my mom's husband is making tacos "de lengua" tongue tacos. So freaking delicious. And this morning she made Chilaquiles. It's nice to have homemade Mexican food. I've been slacking on my eating and working out, but I'm enjoying the family time. I'll get back to it when they leave. I'm enjoying the delicious food, making the most of time with my mom. She's so happy with the weight I lost. I almost made her choke on her water though, she was going on and on about my weight gain and I looked at her and reminded her that I was pregnant and that happens unfortunately, she could not stop laughing. She just likes to give me a hard time but we joke around about it. But no in all honesty she said she's proud that I'm dedicated to my health for the girls. My health went to shit this weekend though. Worth it.

Eli came home early from work, he also wants to join us for Sunday funday. Bella is going shopping with her later, grandma spoils her at the mall, so she's excited. I heard ear piercing was on the agenda and a Claire's pit stop.

I'm totally feeling my late 30's, I feel better than ever. 37 is my new 27. Gotta keep rocking it and never let myself go, it's not who I am. I've always taken care of me. Sometimes motherhood is just so consuming when you love your little ones so much, without realizing it I forgot me a little.

Its pretty common to feel alone. The irony of it all is that we feel it together; and this was said by rupi kaur herself and it could not be more true. why are we so desperate to be wanted but the minute we get it, we turn away from it. 

This isn’t about being sad when your best friend goes home for the day but when you feel an emptiness or a void in yourself. Its almost like an ache and it becomes agitated and the only solution you can think to combat this loneliness is…more loneliness. You want to get out of a situation full of people where you feel completely on your own and go back home to feel “comfortably” alone. It might seem like a good thing and others call it introverted but in the long run it is the equivalent to suffering.

I read somewhere that the number one cause of suicides was feeling alone. Wonder why its done alone? When nobody is around? When nobody can see you? Why its done in an even more painful way? People tend to end their pain one last time with more pain. Its a heavy debate as to why people choose to self harm. People find it as a form of relief. They only know one feeling; pain. How to deal with their demons? Pain. Maybe that might “kill” the said demons. Maybe that is the only way a person knows how to feel.

 one of the main reasons we drift away from people is when we are physically kept from each other; in other words, distance. to be honest, whoever said that distance makes the heart grow fonder was an idiot. in reality, and with all kinds of relationships it doesn’t work like that and especially when you have so much technology and social media. Have you ever thought about how having every form of social media is actually reinforcing the fact that you have no excuse for replying late to messages/not replying at all and missed calls? how many times have you looked down at your phone, seen an message notification and not replied within the next five minutes? if you reply too soon; you are desperate, too late you are lazy. either way you don’t really gain any favour, you have to be willing to talk and if you don’t then that becomes a problem when you try to make friends.

I’ve been alone most of my life. Whatever friends i had at the time i drifted from because i didn’t put in tha effort myself. Once the other person ALSO stops putting effort in, you kinda lost that friendship. But maybe this is a gender thing? I mean girls are more prone to talking crap and being bitchy about each other so when communication stops, assumptions come in. “She’s so weird, she doesn’t wanna talk, she’s too busy for me etc” with guys it doesn’t matter if you meet after 1 month or 1 year, guys don’t really care, they just want company. That’s probably why guys get along better with each other as well as the opposite gender. There is no overthinking involved; you just do it.

How do people who constantly feel alone cope?

i have felt all forms of loneliness and at times when it got really bad i would think ‘nobody wants me around, nobody understands the way that i feel, they would be better off without me’. and at the time i honestly believed it. my inability to talk to open and freely, to make friends instantly was and still is one of the biggest reasons why I am still somewhat alone. being shy and really having nothing to say is not good enough either especially when you are at school. first impressions are always the last unfortunately and once a person can get a vibe off you that you don’t talk much, then that makes you unapproachable hence finding a good friend becomes difficult because you rely on the first conversation but they are not that willing to talk to you. i mean i have had it like this for a while and lets just say that the past four years have put a damper on my confidence and in my head i just feel like i can’t make friends and i won’t be able to because of what might have happened at my last university. 

so back to the question, well the answer is in it. you just cope with it. suck it up and deal with the fact that you will continue to struggle making friends unless you miraculously start talking about everything and anything again. for me personally, its a confidence issue and at university, an age issue. i don’t have to say my age to a bunch of 18 year olds but the differences lies in conversation topics, interests and just the whole nature of how they are in their year. of course i might be overthinking it and i don’t mean that everyone is like this. i have met some nice people in my course so far but i don’t really feel a sense of belonging. i have three years to pull through in this course and i don’t mind doing it alone becuase i have always been used to my solitude. i can’t really say for sure and its quite stupid of me to form an opinion only 2 days into my course but honestly i can’t help it and i need something for my blog which was long overdue.

ALSO

I guess a great time right now would be to also talk about mental health (because its mental health awareness week). I’m not trying to justify being alone, its not something to take lightly. It does consume you and once you start being alone, you begin to NOT crave as much company. Being alone doesn’t involve much conversation hence that “loner” next to you or who is always in your class struggles to make friends. They just don’t know how to talk really. Its not a matter of “just be confident” people go through different emotions, people have different problems so the same generalised solution is not always the answer. And remember that loneliness is just a small frsgment of mental health. Other things can affect this mindset and all it takes is just a small conversation.

I mean for me; I’m just deathly shy to talk to people sometimes(okay all the time), i’m underconfident, i have low self esteem i mean i’m on the borderline but I’ve allowed myself to wallow in this self pity because that’s all i’ve known how to feel; at least for the past few years or so. It was something that made me feel at least human that i was allowed to feel some kind of emotion. I mean, im kind if rambling but what i want to really say is that feeling this way is only temporary, it is REALLY difficult but all you need is a clear mindset. It won’t happen overnight but at one point you will realise that you are not alone and that people do care, people can even relate and it doesn’t have to stay that way either.