Public Outcry

You are everything I have always wanted her to be wrapped up in. she spied you on a streetcorner named Desire, haunted memories float over that Bar. How can I explain to you, someone who has no idea the strenghts I've seen her climb to the lows I've pulled her through the times I wasn't there at all You can't even begin to know how fucking beautiful she will be to you. Perhaps, I should let her go. These Irish Twins have always got me into trouble. Standing on train platforms Singing about Bourbon In the Trauma Ward Thank Devin, I've never Woken Up with 50 stitches numb and strung out, pain searing through my core. I think tonight just needs to end, But Tell me when Will I ever Sleep again?

& I will always feel guilty about her talking to me while I let you know how fast my heart beats, and how easy my panties would drop. for you. but. a whole novel of poems. written only for you.

so here it goes, type, type, type. I need a typewriter to truly tell these stories. I talk too often of past loves, like i dont need your heart here with mine. I laugh at the boys I was able to fool, though I claimed I never felt real love more than thrice. I get jealous at single names. It took me longer than usual; you were perfect. I try to escape it, run away from the green eyed jewel who calls herself a monster sitting in my bones. But it's just me. The events in my life have caused me to want to peel the skin off my face. It's that kind of burning uncomfortable situations that I have lead the dance in for so long. It's been three years of bliss, and here I sit writing this. Finally. I swore I would, to so many of you. Every letter thought about, and re-written a hundred times by now. C, the star, I'll never change your name because it's perfect. G; the getaway car. KaizenVulture, the almost end. Because This is Love. Beat my heart against a brick wall, lets kill this love dead.

This may be the prefect explanation of You can never go back. You can never go back to being who you were before love came and left, sweeping away the remnants of collections you had together. The songs that were yours, the movies you saw that year. I still find myself driving to our house at 2am. That house doesn't even exist anymore, and neither do we.

& If you're no good for me, it makes me nervous cause Im curious about everything to do with running away from this crowd. Back in the game, I'll sit without shame, Im tired of dancing the monkey shuffle all for you. I can't find the steps and I'm whirling around in a state of distress because all I wanted was to be loved; But I drank your poison instead.

I miss Friday nights, the exhilaration of it all; The trying to do math with a thousand voices in my ear, the wishing I was ANYwhere but there, the relief of getting out a tiny bit early, and heading out to dance my night away, forgetting the politics until early the next morning, Or very late that same night, depending on how you look at it. I Miss Friday Nights where my house wasn't silent but now all that surrounds me are electrical hums, my ears straining for a sound from my son.

It used to bubble through me, inking out of my pores and scars that hadn't quite healed. The knowing that everyone had always stripped away shades of my heart; realizing it was only their greed that allowed each and every one to leave a new part of my heart red and raw. The holes I felt that I thought had come from hiding inside myself and stretching the skin so that personality burst out, awkward and unaware.The length of these explanations only caused by every situation I had ever found myself in, dodging the pieces of sky that fell each time my heart was broken.

I have realized something. It doesn't matter how much negative you think is in you life that is not created by you, but the truth is most negativity comes from within. It's just the reflection of yourself in other people that you see and think is coming to get you. The more enlightened I become, the more I see where people go wrong. They allow negativity into their lives. They believe things like being alone is negative, when in truth being alone brings you closer to yourself in every way. If you dislike the face in the mirror so bad, then walk away from the mirror and change the picture instead of continuing to stare. I used to be one of those people who thought the world was out to get them and that all my decisions were the right ones, it was just other people who kept messing my life up. But then I chose to look deeper, because I changed my location and the people around me still had the same reactions they always did. I realized that it was me, not them. It hurts me because there are people out there who think this way. Some of them need a wake-up call, and all of them need support to see that sometimes they are wrong. "We all have demons. I just choose to Feed Mine." This is the source of my inspiration today. Its a cute quirky quote on the outside, but upon deeper inspection it made me think that if you stopped feeding the demons, they would die. Then I came into the realization that I had stopped feeding my demons. They had died, and all I wanted for my friends and people close to me was the same thing. For their demons to die and for them to just be happy in life. But I understand the clinging sadness; it is a parasite that winds its way through your core until it not longer clings to you, but you to it. You can't let go of this darkness because it is all consuming. It promises the light in sidesteps and sways, but never really delivers. Of course when true happiness strolls in and asks for nothing but your hand, you shove the gesture away, frightened because darkness has taught you that nothing comes for free; least of all what we always wanted. You cling to the dark so much that when it truly comes time to let go, you refuse, though everyone you know tells you the dark is dead and try in futile attempts to pry your fingers off of the corpse. You know that this is just a fake attempt and the darkness lives on inside of you. I understand being 'different' or pushing societal boundaries, but your point has no validation unless you are happy outside of those boundaries.

Arent your friends supposed to be happy for you? When you tell them you're having a baby. Especially when you were happy for them. But nope. My friends say we cant talk anymore.

It must be that I cannot take it anymore. That I simply am not willing to hold it all inside myself anymore. This must be why my body refuses nourishment and deficates my efforts to feel whole. No, no, instead it sheds itself of the disgust I feel daily; all those things that confuse and repulse me. It must be that life has gifted me with happiness, yet somehow it starts to take things in return, piece by piece. I can't think of any other reason for which this would be happening. It spews out of me, black and greasy with a taste of bitter bile. Here is when it hits me, if I feel so strongly why do I desire the rush it gives me? I truly enjoy the everyday, because in its monotony there are variations. It shows nature in some of its truest form, the wreckless come to sit on the edge of the world. Sobriety has its fixes and to each their own I say.