Natalia🪽

I am no longer upset at the situation.

i hate that lonely feeling where you realize people only remember you exist when they need something from you. like suddenly my phone works when someone needs advice or notes or someone to vent to or someone to fill silence for a little while but the second i need somebody it’s like everyone disappears and i’m just standing there embarrassing myself for thinking anyone cared as much as i did. it hurts watching people have friendships that look effortless while i feel like i’m constantly trying to earn my place in every room i walk into. i always feel like the extra person. the one walking slightly behind on the sidewalk. the one nobody notices goes quiet. the one people swear they love but somehow always forget about first. and maybe the saddest part is i still give everything i have to people who would never do the same for me because i keep thinking if i’m kind enough or funny enough or understanding enough then maybe someone will finally choose me naturally instead of conveniently. and i know people love saying “you’re not alone” but honestly sometimes i am. sometimes it genuinely feels like i could disappear for days and nobody would notice until they needed something from me again. i’m so tired of being everyone’s temporary person. everyone’s therapist. everyone’s backup plan. everyone’s emotional support human while i sit alone trying to figure out who’s there for me when i stop pretending i’m okay. i think what hurts the most is how easy i make it look. i laugh at the right moments and answer texts and act normal so nobody realizes how left out i feel all the time. nobody realizes how exhausting it is being the friend that remembers everything about everyone while nobody remembers the little things about me. i could write paragraphs about people i care about and i honestly don’t know if anyone could do the same for me without making something up. sometimes i wonder what it feels like to be someone’s first choice. not their convenient choice. not the person they talk to because they’re bored. not the person they keep around because i’m “nice.” i mean genuinely wanted. thought about. included without having to ask. loved loudly instead of quietly tolerated. and the worst part is i still crave connection after all of this. i still wait for notifications. i still hope people mean it when they say “i miss you” even though half the time they only remember me when everyone else is busy. i still care too deeply even after people prove over and over that i probably shouldn’t. maybe that’s my problem. maybe i pour too much love into people who only know how to take it.