narflet

I can be at peace with it one moment and fighting a war inside in the next.

Because the problem is never that I can’t physically do something, it’s that my body I going to suffer after I’ve done it. But I feel like so few able-bodied people get that?

Like with my walking stick… I use it about ¼ or 1/5 of the time I go out. And I could just pack it away and walk without it. But I feel like when somebody sees me walking with a stick and another time walking perfectly fine without it, they just assume I’m faking and don’t really need it. I don’t use my stick because I’m incapable of walking without it. I use my stick because the more I use it, the easier and the less painful/stressful/difficult/uncomfortable walking will be later.

My joints don’t hurt very much or very acutely once I actually get going. It’s when I stop. They just give up and give way, or ache like nobody’s business. So yeah, I could constantly push myself, never use my stick, do more exercise etc. but if I did that I’d completely crash once I stopped. I’d feel really drained, unstable, weak and in pain that evening and the following day.

And perhaps worse than other people’s opinions is the way I internalise it? Like… I feel guilty every time I do something that requires exercise or is physically taxing, like hike, or run during a warm-up game, or do cartwheels, just because it’s fun. I will suffer later on - the more I’ve done in a day, the more drained I feel and the worse it affects me. I know I need to look after myself. But doing something that’s physically taxing and boring has no plus side. Whereas at least I get enjoyment out of doing things that are physically taxing but really fun? I mean… why should I have to conserve all my energy for work and obligations? Am I not allowed to use some energy for having fun?

Take, for instance, a few weeks ago - some friends and I went to the beach. We played frisbe, walked long distances up and down the sand, and I spent quite a bit of time prancing around, leaping and bounding from one boulder to another on the rocks. It was a little dangerous, and very physically tiring, but mostly it was outrageously fun. To me, it feels almost like flying and I haven’t done it since I was a kid.

But by the time evening came and we were meandering around town and looking for a place to eat, all that exercise was taking its toll and my leg joints gave way continuously. At one point my hip gave way without any warning and I literally hit the deck, right in the middle of the road.

But as embarrassing as it was to collapse like that, I didn’t regret over-exerting myself, because even though I know I should take care to look after myself and never over-exert myself or do too much, I haven’t had that much fun in ages.

Even so, I’m constantly feeling guilty over not doing much physically taxing work-related stuff, while often still indulging in physically taxing fun stuff. And I know so many people probably look at me and assume I’m either lazy or making the whole thing up, because how could somebody possibly find it a challenge walking to lectures, but do a cartwheel when they get there? How could somebody possibly prance around on the rocks at the beach, but need a walking stick to walk 100m to the nearest restaurant?

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Jagged little pill: has the recovery narrative gone too far?

Comment by idiosyncratic eyes