Zero

Ok for starters I would like to say that I am making this post because I genuinely need to process this. I have spoken about this with a therapist and he told me to wait to talk to him for various reasons that basically amounted to “I don’t want to have to report you” because I assured him I was safe at the time. And I was but we’ll get into that later. So other than close friends of which I have only really felt comfortable telling one (Hi I know you will see this thank you again) because the other one does not need to know this shit. And I have no other close friends to think of. And also S told me I was biased with my friends so I’m trying to get an unbiased opinion here. This is not a callout post. The person I’m talking to never uses tumblr or tiktok or anything.

Today’s post is about S (see under the cut). So for some context. S and I met in December 2024 and we were friends for a while. But they ended up blocking me for reasons that basically amounted to we were talking to people romantically even though I had a mutual crush on S. The reason I did this was because me and S had both agreed that we would not be good together in a relationship and we weren’t going to peruse that. I genuinely feel like I was not in the wrong for trying to move on??? But in our argument today (we’ll get into later) apparently it was a shitty thing to do. I genuinely don’t know anymore.

During this time we were in a polyamorous relationship with two people. S coerced us into blocking them (S did not like us giving attention to anyone who wasn’t them). After the S blocked us I ended up unblocking these people, just basically apologizing. One of my ex partners said “Hey this sounds like abuse” they would be the first of many. I genuinely can no longer tell of it is or not.

Anyways… shortly before this blocking S and me had gotten involved in the RQC. After a couple months of being blocked I join a RQ server and lo and behold, S is the owner. I actually don’t remember ANYTHING from this specific time together so we’re going to ignore this. I ended up blocking S because I decided being radq was evil and I was not a fan of the bullying (ohhh boy was there bullying)

Anyway give it a couple months and I relapse and rejoin RQ spaces, including discord. You can guess where this is going. So we get in contact again.

It was during this period that one of S’s alters (we’ll call her D, completely unrelated letter. S if you see this I am not trying to cancel you please please im sorry) was a “cisracist” and said the N word multiple times (I have a screenshot of one instance, but I will not be sharing cause its a proxied message it adds nothing other then putting a slur out there). One this D said to us was “I wish there were more woke racists”

I was also during this time D and some other alters (including some of our own. Not innocent here) made rape jokes/threats against our main protector. The trigger for this? Techno (our protector) didn’t like a running joke about a ship with an alter from S’s system cause he hated taht guy. So one of S’s other alters called him a cuck and shit happened from there. There was so much harassment aimed towards Techno our old protector (Macaque) came out of dormancy just to protect against S.

Me and S also ran a Radq server. They encouraged our bad behavior such as bullying, being a “trischeater”, and cutting people off over petty shit. I was not a good person. And it is not totally S’s fault.

They got mad when we talked in servers they weren’t in, when we were on call with a friend the said they weren’t enough for me (which might have been a joke but they always acted like me getting close to other people was basically cheating), and even though we weren’t dating got upset of we had a partner or prioritized our partner.

And then there was the coercing us to sext middle aged men. I don’t want to talk about that.

So ultimately the accumulated in me blocking them in the middle of the night without warning (which was a shitty thing to do because they had pretty much just gotten out of active medical abuse but I was scared (not an excuse ik)) not because of how they treated me or anything but because of the slurs. I was not a fan of the racism. Turns out you can send people messages on Spotify so I blocked them there too after they tried to reach out.

All of this is context. ALL OF THIS IS CONTEXT.

So basically we recently got back in contact. And they were NOT evil anymore and I do genuinely believe people can change. And they meant so much to me before everything happened. So we started talking again.

And then we started flirting. And then we basically came to an agreement that when I got back from vacation (because reminder I am on vacation rn) we would get together because I’d have more time. And then we started talking about how our life would be as a fandom and how we would be mischaracterized. And then I joking suggested we should write out our lore and get peoples opinions. So I attempted to write out our story as unbiasedly as possible. Apparently I had to much bias so I had to add a paragraph about how the “cheating” stuff really got to them. And I sent it to my friend. My friend was like… hey don’t get with this person they are abusive. S (because I was screenshotting) got upset and went on a rant about how they don’t understand.

Anyways I sent it to a different friend who also said a similar thing (and was the friend I mentioned at the start of this post so HIII) and sent a screenshot of something I had said and was like remember this.

This whole incident prompted an argument between Macaque and D. D was basically saying we never take accountability for how we acted and that we were both equally in the wrong. There was also an issue that we vented to our friends because apparently we made them seem like the devil?? Anyways, Macaque was saying D and S were more in the wrong. It ended with Macaque and a different alter talking. Macaque then put his foot down and said we said “I don’t believe we could have a healthy relationship (/r) while you continue to be our FP” and “I will not be engaging romantically with you /srs /nm”

This upset S and S didn’t understand why. And we basically said that because they our FP we cannot properly communicate with them because of how much we seek their approval. To which they asked if that would apply to anyone and I said no, because I can have healthy relationships as long as the person I’m engaged with is not my FP.

Then basically S set a boundary that was basically like we can still be friends but don’t talk about any partners you get around us. To which Macaque said ok.

Then we try to talk in a server S owns to which S’s ‘friends’ (people they were shit talking not a day ago) start being rude to me and S said “can’t I complain to my friends??” Obviously mocking us. And I think Macaque said how I feel about that best.

“See the difference is I told one person we both knew and it was someone who belonged to a group D was saying racial slurs against.

You told people you were shit talking not even a day ago who own a server we are both in who have no relation to me or our situation”

Anyways we left that server. And then found ourselves to be removed from all other servers they own. To which Macaque thought that meant they didn’t want to talk to us anymore. To which S said “You literally just hated us” we did not we used so many /nm’s “You did this to yourself, you said you didnt want to be romantic and we gave you what you wanted” I don’t understand how this correlates. Not romantic to me means.. not dating or flirting not being in servers together.

I got upset at them about this to which they said “Yeah? Youre freaking out like a romantic partner” and I was like “no I’m just confused” and they said “yeah thats how I felt too.” And thats where it ended.

So heres the part where I ask for advice. Our DM server is still up and they are unblocked. We have agreed to remain friends but I don’t think that will last currently? I genuinely don’t know what to do. Like at all.

Anyways if some terms come out in a little bit… you know why.

This blog is staying up and active, BUT I am going to take a bit when I get back from vacation (I am LITERALLY visiting family idk why this is happening now) to get my bearings. And to my ex qpp who told me talking to them again was a bad idea… yeahh ok you got me.

Anyways again this is not a callout or me trying to cancel them. This is me writing everything down that happened in one place so I don’t feel crazy and like I was exaggerating everything. Of anyone as any advice or input please? I need this.

Holy moly this got long… uhhhhhh. Insert cool witty thing here. Ok bye chat.