לֹ֣א נָכַר

god all i ever needed was some sort of support system like everybody else. god, it cannot be that hard to connect properly. it cannot be that hard to move on from the past. i have to stop being like this or else i should just follow through with it and leave for god's sake.

you are not my family. you are nothing to me. it's not loneliness if you have been lonely from birth. i tried all i could but i cannot forgive you for what you did. i have to leave

for the past year and more i have been very thoroughly planning moving away, abandoning everything here, and living a whole new life somewhere else. i have plenty of savings. at first i thought it was just a daydream that i was entertaining a bit too much, but the more i thought about it, the realer it all got. i will leave a note to everyone so that nobody thinks im missing or dead or something. but i will likely never come back to anybody, not even my family. all i am waiting for is a yes from myself. everything is ready. i only have a flight to book.

I LOVE NEW YORK CITY I CAN'T WAIT TO BE THERE!!!!!!

taking 25 grams of creatine the day you're completely sleepless and the day after is literally heaven for brain fatigue. how come i haven't tried this before???? why did i just find out after an exam lmfao

in likely one of the shittiest oral exams of my life where i was too exhausted to even care to think about my answers at all and just gave up midway and after a few minutes in started answering "i don't know" to everything that required minimum thinking so that he would just get it over with, the professor just stared at me in the eye for like 5 seconds and told me he hopes i refuse the grade he's about to give me and that i have to ABSOLUTELY come back to get 30 lode in september. he said i have too much potential to do this to myself. which is weird considering its his... what... first time seeing me at all? i was there the whole day, he definitely did not say this to anybody else he gave a low grade to. he's also not attracted to me, he's gay. i did refuse the grade. he wrote my name on his notebook. what the fuck did he see????? and then when he saw me outside of the exam room during lunch break, he told me he could tell i wasn't doing okay but i have to get it together and not sabotage myself. he is a very accomplished researcher, some Harvard something. for the first time one of these people saw something?????? something????? when i least expected it??????? you don't even know me? what did you see???????? what was it about me that i didn't have to communicate to make you think i can be something special at all? god it just made me sob later

that moth did end up leading me to the right thing. it wasn't the app.