לֹ֣א נָכַר

Females tend to be brutally selective in the dating scene. I would rather have had you as a potential sexual option I am attracted to, rather than a "competitor". My brain gets confused and you become both.

I realize now my messages sound creepy and "parasocial" and I apologize.

And worry not, you are not to blame. I believe you like testing your anons by flirting at them sometimes to get them to expose who they are. It always seems like you're looking for something, instead of real interest. I never thought I had any chances whatsoever, and I never would, no matter your replies.

I apologize again and I will immediately stop sending anons like these. I may be pathetic but I am not a creep.

Have a good night.

that bitch is just completely parasocial and at this point it's really getting fucking weird lol. every message he sends has "why won't you fuck me" undertones.

though i don't blame anybody but myself because i feel like the nature of this blog is intimate and personal and i understand why somebody would feel like they know the entirety of who i am based on it.

typical median study day

1. i should start earlier in the morning

2. i should stay in the library up until 9PM

3. i should not drink coffee after 3 PM

oh god, first of all, as somebody who has little to no experience, it feels far away from me and unrealistic, and it doesn't have to have anything to do with my "resources"... and who said I ever tried to look relatable? this blog has only 4 active people on it max. relatable to who? i get the same anons from the same people to the point I can guess who's who, i am not attempting to attract more and it is quite visible in the nature of my posts, which are mostly long, tedious, no tags.

I am well aware I am not relatable to most people and never could I try to be even if I wanted to. why do I come back here instead of hanging out with my bazillion friends? because I don't feel that I relate to anybody. every conversation feels performative, like i have to pretend to be interested, pretend to understand, pretend to relate. this is a place where I AM NOT PRETENDING. I AM FREE.

and yes, I know perfectly well how to "utilize my resources", my issues in romantic relationships have nothing to do with that. yes, I could remind myself everyday that yes, I am pretty I am smart I am talented I am this and that and in the end of the day, it doesn't work that way.

weak spots: overly perfectionistic and never feeling good/ ready enough, horrified of the public humiliation of failing, tendency to avoid whatever causes me anxiety, urges to escape instead of doing what i'm supposed to do, tendency to ruminate about past mistakes, delicate ego when it comes to my own competence, obsessive about proving my capabilities, greed for greatness/ power, obsessive about the possibility of lost potential, overwhelmed by my own feelings, etc.

how I figured them out: self-awareness. do you get what you want? if not, what stops you? identify those.

how to fix them: corner yourself in every way possible until you get yourself to do what you need to do to get what you want, that's how you figure out what works. it's different for everybody. the point is not to silence the weak spots, but to get what you want despite them.

uh... depends. when it comes to getting what i want out of myself, i think the ends justify the means. if i really want something out of myself, i will get it out nicely or not hahaha.