How to Say It

What I said out loud was that it breaks your heart. I was tracing the route that led to where we are now. And I said I couldn't figure out at what stage I should have known better, enough not to do what I did. And so if that was the case in the past—that the person I was couldn't have figured out the necessity and means to be different—then it is likely enough to be the case in the future as well. In short: I will hurt her again in ways I am blind to, in ways I am incompetent to foresee and prevent.

And she knows that. She has already said that and then said it again—that she knows I will hurt her and she's choosing to come closer and closer anyway.

And I said yes and it breaks your heart.

It's like Jesus right. Man embraced us as we held the knife toward his heart. He took it right through the chest. This is the point where I cried.

Then I said something like, I know a bunch of things, but you make me know things. You drive the nails deep. It goes into my bones.

But I want to be able to forgive. And I don't want to be overly sensitive. As a kid I learned: A wise man overlooks an insult. And: Be slow to judge. I could easily be wrong. But I don't know how else you spin this other than someone I thought respected me enough to listen to my thoughts on things apparently doesn't. Maybe I shouldn't have beat around the bush either though. Idk.

And I guess it's like, this isn't just about you? this is about everyone? loving people all over the world with something super simple.

But I guess I'm also just like, (and this is wayyy zoomed out) how did we (all Christians) get to this point? How did we get to this place where we're picking sides? So stupid honestly. Not like stupid like hurrdurr so unintelligent such inferior life form but stupid like, it feels like we just decided to embrace the trap. Like there was a trap right there, and we're like "I don't see any trap" and step on it.

How did this tribal affiliation become more important to us than each other? How did the big conglomerate of ideas and values we subscribe to become anything but what we receive from Christ? Like I feel like since I was a kid I've been trying to stay aware of my biases. How have we just decided to live in and embrace the bias?

What happened to being slow to speak? (Although many of my friends are doing a good job of this I think.) And when did our salvation come from anything other than Jesus and his death and resurrection? How did we decide to believe the machinations of other humans were in any way more powerful than God's patient work?

And since people want to pick sides, I'll pick on "both" sides.... is what I would like to say. But I've tried SO HARD over my life to stop ripping people's shitty arguments. Geez there are so many trash takes though. Like one-move-blunder-level takes. I try my best not to have contempt and not to say anything. But could we also just please stop???? like whyyyy are we saying such ridiculous things? It takes so little thought to realize some of these takes are unsound.

Basically just typing some stuff I remember during counseling over the past 1.5 years now that I've had my last session.

1) broke up with my ex

2) stuff about my work

3) stuff about myself

The ex thing was pretty simple, I think basically I just had to accept the reality of my emotions. Like my options were basically you can feel pretty exhausted and crappy for the foreseeable future, or you can break up. And I just decided I didn't want to feel exhausted and crappy. I think before I had sort of been hoping there was like... some secret way to not feel the way I felt about the relationship? But it was more like, no this is how you feel about it.

Then the stuff about work and myself are really intertwined, but I got into counseling because I wasn't feeling passionate about stuff and my girlfriend (who I then broke up with) said I should get counseling.

But one of the first things she helped me with regarding work was how I really wanted people to listen but wasn't feeling listened to at all. She connected it with me not feeling listened to as a kid and that was pretty big. I remember crying, like weeping, when it connected what I really wanted. 5 and 6 and 7 year old Ben really wanted someone to listen to him. Probably 10 year old and 15 year old Ben too. And you might think, did you really need counseling for that? but I'm not a self-diagnoser. Also it's just different when you're talking to someone else. She was really good at listening.

The rest of this I managed to save from the first (lost) draft:

Another thing with work was realizing I don't have to trust everyone with everything. One of the interesting things she said in the first session was something like "You don't have to tell me anything you're not comfortable saying, because I'm a person too"-basically saying like, "I'm not a robot you just talk to and assume they'll have perfect detachment" or whatever. That made me think. Because I think before I'd just sort of assumed I should trust certain people around me with anything. But now I kind of feel like there has to be some interplay between how safe I feel in general and how safe I feel with them. Like in an ideal world I think I could share whatever with anyone but the reality is there's risk to myself whenever I open up, and some people make that risk seem more likely or of greater magnitude than others. And it's stupid to think I can change whatever is making me feel hesitant by just forcing myself to take those risks. Basically she just helped me realize there's a reason people feel like others should earn trust. Personally I don't think anyone can really "earn" trust, but I do think it can be at least warranted in some way.

makes helper apprentice (slave) to serve sorcerer's will

becomes increasingly dependent on apprentice

increases apprentice's abilities while simultaneously believing apprentice could never defeat sorcerer

apprentice realizes it has a way to be free of serving sorcerer

apprentice kills sorcerer

first bring your worst

Of course I am thankful for being forgiven myself. Of course I realize I don’t deserve it. The pain remains. It is not enough for the gospel to be limited to an individual’s salvation. It must also include worldwide justice. Everyone gets what they are due.

Talked to the counselor Thursday and idk how I came to this conclusion (she didn't use these words) but my takeaway was just

slow is good.

You know not like inherently good, but like, there is a goodness in it.

Been breathing slower. Taking time to listen to myself and what's going on around me. Writing this out, I guess this is what people call "being mindful". For me it's more like "stop revving my brain engine all the time" lol.

It's less work this way. I think maybe the allure of being less mindful pausing and more mindless engine revving is the promise of achievement and all it entails. I feel like a lot of us achieve just so we don't feel guilty but man is it a hard way to live. But yeah like to decide, I'm not going to accomplish all the things people have said (or modeled or somehow communicated to me) that I should accomplish. This is not only healthier and realistic, I almost feel it's morally right. Like I just don't see God being like Yeah dude I love it when you just max speed max efficiency max impact max clout max everything, seems good to me that's def what I want you to be doing. The God I know is like a kind young man taking care of sheep. Sheep are never going to be max anything except max dumb. But he leads them to streams and grass and rest.

I’ve only been around Phil Anschutz a few times. My impressions on those occasions was that he was a run-of-the-mill arrogant billionaire. He was used to people courting him and he addressed them condescendingly from the lofty height of his own wealth.

I’ve never met Ryan McKibben, who runs part of Anschutz’s media group. But stories about him have circulated around Washington over the years. The stories suggest that he is an ordinary corporate bureaucrat — with all the petty vanities and the lack of interest in ideas that go with the type.

This week, Anschutz and McKibbin murdered The Weekly Standard, the conservative opinion magazine that Anschutz owned. They didn’t merely close it because it was losing money. They seemed to have murdered it out of greed and vengeance.

John Podhoretz, one of the magazine’s founders, reports that they actively prevented potential buyers from coming into take it over and keep it alive. They apparently wanted to hurt the employees and harvest the subscription list so they could make money off it. And Anschutz, being a professing Christian, decided to close the magazine at the height of the Christmas season, and so cause maximum pain to his former employees and their families.

The closing of The Weekly Standard is being told as a Trump story, as all stories must be these days. The magazine has been critical of Trump, and so this is another example of the gradual hegemony of Trumpism over the conservative world. That is indeed the backdrop to what happened here.

But that’s not the whole story. In reality, this is what happens when corporate drones take over an opinion magazine, try to drag it down to their level and then grow angry and resentful when the people at the magazine try to maintain some sense of intellectual standards. This is what happens when people with a populist mind-set decide that an uneducated opinion is of the same value as an educated opinion, that ignorance sells better than learning.

In that sense, the closing of The Standard resembles Chris Hughes’s destruction of the old New Republic. This is what happens when the commercial forces trying to dumb down the American media run into a pocket of people trying to resist those forces.

I was on staff when The Standard was founded, by Bill Kristol, Podhoretz and Fred Barnes. They gathered the most concentrated collection of talent I have ever been around. The first mastheadfeatured Charles Krauthammer, P.J. O’Rourke, Robert Kagan, David Frum, Chris Caldwell, Matt Labash, Tucker Carlson and the greatest political writer of my generation, Andrew Ferguson.

Early issues featured the writings of Tom Wolfe, Gertrude Himmelfarb, James Q. Wilson and Harvey Mansfield. The person at the bottom of the editorial masthead, a young Neomi Rao, has just been nominated to replace Brett Kavanaugh on the U.S. Court of Appeals.

It was and remains a warm, fun and convivial group. The magazine’s tone was part high intellectualism, part street-level political reporting and part Hunter Thompson-style gonzo journalism.

The Standard was conservative, but it frequently dissented from the Republican establishment and delighted in modern pop culture. The staff was never unanimous about anything. The many flavors of conservatism were hashed out in its pages. If it stood for anything, I would say it stood for this: that the good life consists of being an active citizen and caring passionately about politics; that it also consists of knowing something about Latin American fiction, ancient Greek culture and social impact of modern genetics; that it also consists of delighting in the latest good movies and TV shows, the best new cocktails and the casual pleasures of life.

Over the past year, under the editorship of Steve Hayes, the magazine was as good as it ever was. Adam Keiper did brilliant work with the back of the book. Amazingly talented young writers were recruited, like Adam Rubenstein, Alice Lloyd and Haley Byrd. If you look at the issue now online — the last that apparently will ever go online — there’s an article calling on Republicans to respect due process, a look at what can be done to bring down the suicide rate, an essay by literary critic Paul Cantor on “Frankenstein” at 200 and a piece on the sixth-century Roman poet Maximianus.

Over the past few years, if all the stories are correct, McKibbin tried to change the tone of the magazine. He tried to get The Standard to hire highly partisan shock-jock screamers. He tried to tilt in more in the direction of a Republican direct mail fund-raising letter. When these efforts were blocked, resentment flared and the ax fell.

Calling believers in and around the ‘Asia-Pacific’ and around the world to pray for believers in China who are, at the moment, undergoing arrests/persecution from the government. Please take time to read and uphold them. Our God Reigns!

Latest news, 10th December 2018

Li Yingqiang (李英强), the last elder of Early Rain Covenant Church to be arrested, wrote this letter to the church just a few hours before being found in his hideout and arrested. In it, he describes the church's plan for facing this persecution in the following days, including where to worship next Sunday. I've translated it below (though it's not the smoothest translation):

How the Church Should Face Persecution:

Beloved brothers, sisters, and fellow workers:

Thank the Lord! Just as the year 2018 is about to end God has given us a reward in the form of this large-scale persecution that arrived on December 9.

Since yesterday evening until noon today, over 100 pastors, elders, staff, brothers and sisters have been taken away. As of now we still do not know where they all are, and even if we did know it would be difficult for us to help them. But, thankfully, we know for certain that the Lord’s loving face is shining upon them. They are within the gracious, sovereign providence of the Lord. He will be with them in the midst of their chains and trials.

The Apostle Peter says, “Beloved, do not be surprised at the fiery trial when it comes upon you to test you, as though something strange were happening to you. But rejoice insofar as you share Christ's sufferings, that you may also rejoice and be glad when his glory is revealed. If you are insulted for the name of Christ, you are blessed, because the Spirit of glory and of God rests upon you.” (1 Pet. 4:12-14)

Beloved brothers and sisters, do you have joy? Are you rejoicing in the fact that you are suffering with Christ because of this church? Do you know that we are blessed? The Lord is bestowing on us poor people today treasures of glory from heaven! The Lord himself is bestowing on us weak people comfort from heaven! The Lord Jesus is shining on us blind people his great light. Those of us brothers and sisters standing on the front lines of the gospel war will earn great spiritual riches!

Thank the Lord for being with us in this trial. Thank the Lord for cultivating us according to his true Word! Thank the Lord for training us through these days of hardship! Thank the Lord for sculpting us through today’s persecution! May the Lord give us great joy and true hope and make us strong through reliance on him.

What these next two days or next few weeks hold we do not know. These days are in the hands of the Lord. Just as he turns the dew into frost and the rain into snow, just as he makes the fragrance of the plum blossom waft across the bitter cold, we are in the hands of the Lord. How wonderful it would be if, because of this suffering, we might be able to give off the sweet fragrance of the gospel!

Beloved brothers and sisters, I’m afraid this “great persecution” will become the status quo for us in the future. I don’t know if you know this, but three years ago on December 9, persecution was officially unleashed against Living Stone Church in Guiyang. Police also went to the homes of those brothers and sisters one at a time. They would use multiple police officers and community workers to control just one person. Their small groups were also broken up one by one. How should we respond to these things in the days to come? According to the contingency plan prepared by our session of elders, there are a few things we must do.

Those elders who are still free must take up the responsibility of pastoring the whole church, waiting for the pastor and elders to be released. If Pastor Wang Yi is not released within 48 hours, those elders who are still free must lead the church down the next stretch according to the order decided on previously.

Regardless, Early Rain Covenant Church must not alter the statement of faith and the path of openness that it has proclaimed publicly in the past. And we will not alter our previous stance on the relationship between church and state (正教分立) or our beautiful spiritual inheritance from the Chinese house church of walking the path of the cross. We will not register with the Religious Affairs Bureau; much less will we join the Three-Self Church.

We will not easily relinquish our church building and retreat to our small groups. Regardless of who is leading the church, they must try to return to the church building that God has given us. Neither paper seals nor arrests should hinder our determination to worship in our church sanctuary. Unless all elders, preachers, and seminary students able to lead public worship and the preaching of God’s word lose their freedom, we will not retreat to small groups. If we cannot enter the church building, we will rent another place. If there is no place indoors where we can worship, we will begin worshiping outdoors.

Meeting in small groups is our last resort. If there is even a very small possibility of worshiping together as a whole church, we will not retreat to small groups. But if we must meet in small groups and encounter opposition while doing so, we are willing to pay an even greater price to bear witness to the great work of the gospel in our lives. We are willing to have 200, 300, or 500 people arrested and imprisoned. May the whole world know that we are joyfully willing to receive this persecution for the sake of our faith.

Beloved brothers and sisters, I am writing this letter in “hiding.” May you all be filled with joy in the gospel of Christ. May you welcome, filled with hope, the even heavier cross and more difficult lives that lie ahead of you.

“Christ is Lord. Grace is King. Bear the cross. Keep the faith.” This is the vision Early Rain Covenant Church received from the Lord. May we all obtain it, cherish it, put it into practice, and live it out!

Loving you all,

Keep? Toss? Store? Give? With some of my stuff it's a hard decision. I have memories attached to a lot of my shirts, like my Amazon women Pittsburgh project team shirt, or my didactic dozen summit shirt. I've kept basically every encouraging note I've ever received (back through at least 2008). I've tried to hang onto the gifts people have given me, like paintings or little boxes or tiny bottles. People are important.

But maybe I've been holding onto the objects because I'm afraid the symbolism of keeping them is all I have left of those relationships. That I don't really have anything solid left with the people who at one time filled the hours of those seasons when we lived together. This is probably true. And sad.

Then what's the right thing to do? If I'm honest, do I really want these objects? No. I just want them to exist. On a shelf or in a box somewhere. So I don't have to say I threw them away.