Felt In Passing

And saw the view from above

So I decided

that I deserved to stay,

Ever sense,

I haven’t been the same.

Ever sense,

When I shout into a void you hurt me.

Did I make you angry?

Am I embarrassing you?

I’m a frail flower.

Waiting to be incidentally crushed.

So pathetic, and hushed.

I flinch at every blow of the wind,

I sneeze at every spitting dust.

My love is an inconvenience at best,

And an insult at worst.

Reply back to me,

So I stop the spiral,

I cannot be attached to someone,

for long enough

Like the inside of a car

Parked in the sun.

I sit, slouched

With a sharp focus

To an empty screen.

The yellow light, forgotten,

Like burning oil on a pan.

Its weak rays cover my arms

People chatter, desperate,

To cover my silence.

I lay comfortably,

With their side gazes,

Checking

On mine.

My eyes, rested,

If I know I am not beautiful.

There is an evil to empathy.

An evil to wanting to give others as much as they give.

When you feel like you can’t give anything back.

Oh what a curse.

To know what is beauty,

he told me things

about his life.

without inviting me

in.

That’s why I couldn’t

For the life of me

talk to him

again.

I felt used and chewed

And so

godamn

But I love punching down on my friends.

When they’re not giving me enough.

Strangers though, I can dislike from afar.

It's such a tragedy to only be able

to be cruel to those who love you

I am tired of evil.

I want to die.

But I want everyone to die with me.

To be a full true communist

Is to press the big red button

To feel this sad

To feel this empty

To feel this suicidal.

To feel like nothing is worth it

To be eaten by the size of the ocean

and the hollow sounds of the waves.

To look within yourself

And see nothing

A lightweight dress

And boredom.

Decaying sounds of birds

And an adhan in a distance

A reminder of a longing to be complete

That I cannot think of a way to settle

If not death.

Or a lover.

Or someone.

Something.

“No.” She said.

“I feel like you are telling people about me, bonding over how much of a piece of shit I am.” I said.

“Keep thinking whatever you want.” She said.

“Do you still care about me?” I said.

“No, now you’re telling me you love me?! You became a madman, you act pretentious. I don’t recognize you anymore. I’ve always thought you were one of the few people that didn’t think of me as a girl, and while I’m going through all this hurt from you from the last time we spoke, how dare you come back to me and tell me you love me.”

“Fuck you.” I said.

“I don’t care.” She said, and left.

She finally broke me, she realized, but I really did love her.

Why is the hurt and fault all mine. I’ve dealt with things the best way I knew how. I had to hurt her. I didn’t love her sexually, I loved her soul. I asked her to love me back, the girl and everything in her. I missed her a lot. But she thought I had always been too evil. But she's been the most evil of all, I just couldn't tell her. I just kept the pain to myself, and let her talk.

So I sent her another text.

I don’t think she’s told anyone yet. She shouldn’t tell anyone about what we’ve done because everyone will know about us, and she’ll know that I have indeed gone mad.

My presence terrified her, but I had to impose it onto her, I was in love with her, and she said she loved me back.

I walked by where she lived, I looked at her until she looked at me.

What else did I know that I should’ve done.

She has to live her life thinking of me like that.

I signed up to her university to study literature.

Even if I hurt her, I was in love with her.

I took her to my car and locked the door.

I needed to talk to her again.

She pleaded to leave, she tried to scream to the people walking by, I had to shut her mouth.

There is no one like her, the way her lips are shaped over her heavy neck. She could never pay attention to things anyone said. But I want her to pay attention to mine.

I’ve never fell in love with someone as I did with her panicking body, I was in deep surrender to my chest, it felt like I could sink into my body. My baby Mabeleen, I held her lips and head.

She kept resisting, she loved me, but because of a little miscommunication, she didn’t want to talk to me again, I wanted to show her that the person she doesn’t like anymore isn't me, she loves who I really am, I’m not a madman, I’m perfect for her, and I loved her, and she loved me so much, she told me, if she didn't change her mind about me so cruelly.

I had to remind her of me, and how we have fun when we talk, how we are otherworldly.

I knew that if I let her go, she would leave and all my old friends would know what I’ve become.

I held her neck with one arm and shut her mouth with the other.

I chocked her.

She looked at me, terrified, my princess loved me.

She gave up her resistance, she shook her arm and held my crotch. She looked at me, smiling.

She wanted me to stop, and to love her.

I kept choking until she stopped moving.

At that moment, I don’t know what I’ve done. I’ve never felt so alive. My sweet lover loved me for who I am, at the last seconds of her life. I knew she would love me if she got the chance. I was chuckling, I could feel the happiness of all my past selves, I could conquer the world.

Her body laid dormetly on the other seat, my princess has finally become quiet. She was loving.

She finally could hear my words, without judgment, with full understanding, without expecting fullness, comprehension. She gave me all her attention, and she let my attention wonder somewhere else.

I’ve driven for a while. The highway was all mine, no cars were passing by, what time is it? How long has it been that I’ve committed the most lovely of crimes. I could finally notice the stars. And the coldness of the air at night. My eyes kept themselves open.

Quietly, I got my head out of my window, it was me and the world. The love of my life has loved me, the world was against us, it didn’t understand us. We were too special to communicate with words, words so clumsy, so empty, so unforgiving. But when our souls touch, when we talk with our eyes and death, we were truly in love. I could die and be happy. I loved her so much.

I started screaming.

“Look at this, look at me.” I pleaded hysterically.

I held her dormant head with one hand so she looks at the road.

The majestic night was tranquil, like her, only my headlights to light the way. I felt alive, I was the only person alive.

I had to match the scenery.

I parked on a bridge, and left the car.

Crying, happy, I looked at the passenger seat, she is still calm, not interrupting me, not selfishly taking my attention, and I jumped off.

We were in love, and my heart was requited, I had to keep my feelings for eternity. I took mabeleen’s love with me.

This person that tormented me, that haunted my thoughts and imaginations, loved all parts of me, was all mine, finally, until the end of time.

There is no better ending.

To feel this sad

To feel this empty

To feel this suicidal.

To feel like nothing is worth it

To be eaten by the size of the ocean

and the hollow sounds of the waves.

To look within yourself

And see nothing

A lightweight dress

And boredom.

Decaying sounds of birds

And an adhan in a distance

A reminder of a longing to be complete

That I cannot think of a way to settle

If not death.

Or a lover.

Or someone.

Something.