Emotions

- what did you not appreciate?

how she was annoying

- how she was annoying? What do you mean?

This isn’t a love letter. I’m writing this because I can’t love you anymore. And it’s not because I’m selfish and it’s not because I’m broken. It’s not because I don’t want to, because God and the entire universe knows I’d love you forever if you’d let me.

We reached the end as soon as you started seeing her as more than just another person. As soon as you took glances at her that were more than just a look. I saw it coming before you even knew it. I watched you begin to love parts of her while you still called me yours. I felt the words “I love you” lose their meaning as they slipped through your mouth as if it were just another sentence. I heard the sound of your voice lose its happiness when you said my name.

It starts slow, someone falling out of love with you, and then you wake up one day and it’s all gone; entirely gone. And you don’t know how it happened or where it all went, you just know that the person you love doesn’t love you anymore, and there’s nothing left. You sit there and let it all fall apart, right there, right in front of you. And there is absolutely nothing you can do to stop it. Because you can’t make someone stay. And you definitely can’t make someone love you.

It’s been over a eight months since you left and I’m still holding onto bits and pieces of us. Whenever I think I’m over you and I’m okay without you, it all comes back and memories of us, images of you, and your name start flooding my head. And then I realize that it is all a supercut of us, and I am back to where I started. But this isn’t about the end. This is about my love for you.

I still love you. You know that. Anyone could see it. But you say you love me and then you don’t. It’s there and then it isn’t. Some nights you give me false hope and I truly believe there will be another us again. And then there’s days where you shove her name down my throat and then abandon me completely. And I’ll have to wait and wonder when the next time you’ll decide to love me or just talk to me again will be. I can’t keep letting myself wait for someone that’s never coming back.

You’re impulsive. You left impulsively. And you almost came back impulsively. And if you did, I don’t know what I’d do. Because I want you. I want you in every way possible. But then again you’d be gone again. Out of impulse. You won’t ever choose to love me every day. You won’t choose to love me even when you don’t want to. You will never choose me. I know that now. I know that you’re my world and I’m just another girl living in yours. I know you're not sad without me. And I know you don’t let stupid things like love get to you, like they get to me.

But hey, I hope you know that I’m going to miss you for the rest of my life. My heart is going to ache until the very end. But despite it all, I love you forever. The hardest part is walking away from the only person you wanted to stay. The worst part is knowing that they don’t care that you did. The saddest part is knowing that they’ll never stop you, even though you’d run forever to stop them.

"Do you think I can have one more kiss? I'll find closure on your lips, and then I'll go. Maybe also one more breakfast, one more lunch, and one more dinner. I'll be full and happy, and then we can part.

But in between meals maybe we can lie in bed one more time, one more prolonged moment where time suspense indefinitely, as I rest my head on your chest.

My hope is if we add up the "one mores," they will equal lifetime, and I'll never have to get to the part where I let you go.

But that's not real, is it? There are no more "one mores." I met you when everything was new and exciting, and the possibilities of the world seemed endless. And they still are. For you, for me. But not for us.

Somewhere between then and now, here and there, I guess we didn't just grow apart, we grew up. When something breaks, if the pieces are large enough, we can fix it. Unfortunately, sometimes things don't break..they shatter. But when you let the light in, shattered glass will glitter. And those moments, when the pieces of what we were catch the sun, I'll always remember just how beautiful it was. Just how beautiful it'll always be. Because it was us. And we were magic.

I know no other way to start this but thanks for everything; the nights that we used to call until morning, when you showed me around places I've never gone to, telling me how breathtaking the view of the stars at night were, and how there's aliens behind those stars. The things you told me and you wished we could do together, the promises we made, when you said you wished time would just freeze, how you said you would always be there for me, saying that you’ve given me your heart so I have to protect it— you left me with so much to remember. While you’ve become a better person after the break up, I’ve become colder. Flirting with random people to fill the void, crying silently on the other end while talking to strangers because it reminded me of us, which no longer exists. You said that you loved me, but the last times were not love. To me though, that means you’ve never truly loved me as you exclaimed because love doesn’t just go away. I think I was just someone that came into your life to teach you something.

I hate how everything has an end. The moments we were together, in the back of my mind I was always thinking “this is too good to be true.” I was right. The day we broke up, I remember us crying together as I begged you not to go. But you had told me you didn’t love me anymore. I couldn’t say anything back to that. It must have been shock because I was dying; actually it was me suppressing my tears because if I cried, it would clarify that there was no longer us.

I don’t blame you for leaving me though, I was pretty messed up. From hurting you mentally, physically, and emotionally.. Even when you had your own problems that you never told me about. There were times when you hurt me so much in the relationship, but I still don’t hate you for it. Even now I don’t, even through all those terrible break downs and going through depression after your parting.. I still can't.

There would be nights where I would text you the things I wanted to tell you, but I don’t press send. Because I was what you considered "annoying". Occasionally like an idiot, I'd miss you so much that I’d come up with any excuse to message you.

It probably was never love. But if you’ve become a better person, and you’re happier, I’m so happy for you because that’s what you deserve. Even if our time was short, thank you for everything. I can't and I won't ever hate you.

Today we hung out once again, and it was slightly meaningful. Having you around my arms, and feeling your soft lips felt wonderful. Nothing has changed and I know it, because I see it in your eyes. I see it in the way you hold me and caress me, and I see it in the way you look at me.. I know that I still mean the world to you, I know you still love me; somewhere lost in your heart you do. I also know that you deny it for particular reasons, which I understand. Believe me, I know.

It's difficult for me to explain the exact state I've found myself in. These are uncharted waters. Once you were the lighthouse that guided me to shore, making me feel safe and certain knowing where I can find home, but that light no longer shines. At least, not for me.

Is it weird if I say I'm okay with that? It feels weird thinking about it, but it's true. I'm not happy about it, but I'm not sad about it. I'm simply okay with it. And I think that's the most I can ask for at the moment. The hardest part is accepting that I never meant to you what you meant to me; not really.

This isn't to say that you didn't love me, because I know you did. Yet, here we are; I'm sitting here writing this letter, and you're... Well, with her. Without me, doing your own thing, being the awesome person you've always been. I'm sure I no longer occupy a room in your mind, yet in my mind and heart you'll always find a place.

If someone were to ask me if I've moved on, I'd say yes. There is no doubt in my mind that I have moved on. I've gotten over a hurdle I wasn't sure I'd make it over. It wasn't just the heartbreak that I had to make it through. It's all that came with it. The sadness. The lack of will. The moodiness. All those horrible habits I picked up as a means of distracting myself; a poor effort at trying to convince myself that you don't matter to me.

But you do. You matter to me more than you know. And the crazy thing is, nothing will ever change that. As long as I continue to be me, my love for you will never fully dissipate. I don't love you the way you love her. I love you the way the moon loves the sun. While we may never cross paths again, there's a connection that exists and will continue to exist as long as we do. I have long debated what love actually is … and now I know. It's caring. Not because you want to or because you feel like you should, but because you don't have any other options available to you. Regardless of whether or not we can remain friends, I will always care for you.

And you want to know what? I'm happy that I care for you as much as I do. I'm happy that I can feel this way about a person without feeling the need to own their thoughts, their time, their attention, or even their love. I don't need you to love me. Not anymore. I've found that love for oneself is all that you really need. Everything else is extra. In other words, everything in addition is a gift. And I can't be upset with not receiving a gift from you.

Truth be told, you don't need to hear this. You're happy doing you and I want you to stay happy doing you. This letter is to remind me that the choices I've made, the path I've walked and continue to walk, is the path I was meant to walk down.

You turned me into a better person, then into someone I was no longer able to recognize. Yet, I've now somehow found myself better off. I'm stronger. I'm wiser. I'm more disciplined. I feel … content. So thank you for all that.

I may never get over you, but truth be told, I don't want to get over you. I want this new sort of love I have for you to stay with me. I want it to stay with me as I continue on with my life, as I accomplish my goals, as I find someone new to share my life with.

I went through our special album, saw every single photo and video; one by one. I tried reminiscing every single one of them, seriously; every photo and video took me back to the day they were taken. Which surprised me because I don’t necessarily have the best memory.. but it did, it brought back your laughter, your voice, and strangely your scent. It brought me joy, because those pictures took me back to you.

As I got towards the end of the album, I started feeling myself missing you deeper than before. It started stabbing me, and reminding me that you left. It was eating me up having to realize that, these photos are just photos with a story to tell. That will remind me of what I had lost, and I won’t be getting back.

And so, I kept playing every video over and over and over again till I made sure that your voice was in my mind like a broken record.. I watched every photo back to back, constantly.. and I made sure to focus on one thing, and one thing only. Which was your smile. God knows that was my favorite thing in the world. This was absolute torture, because why would I want to put myself in a situation that was only going to bring me pain.

But that was it, that was my motivation to end it all. I made sure that you were in bedded in my head. Because that is where you live now, we lost all our touch and contact. That it made me realize that you are simply now a memory. Perhaps I’m not even a single photo, video, or simply a memory to you..but that is what I wanted you to be. A Memory. Because this is truly it, I’m finally ready to let it all go. I kept going through the album for a good hour, till I finally made my decision to delete it. I deleted the album with lots of hesitation, but at the end of the day I did it.. seeing all 1,547 photos/videos slowly going away felt like hell. But it also felt like heaven, it felt like a huge weight off my shoulders. I was always afraid you’d be the one to delete it, but I did.

I deleted it, I didn’t delete the album out of anger nor sadness. But to be exact, I did it because like you once told me, “it is for the best.” I knew that if I had nothing to go back to that made me feel such way again, it was something that was going to help me move on.