Hi Days

Night walks to refresh the mood you put me in. Fresh air to take me out of your corner. Selling narcissist knick knack's with your name on every piece. Being around your head space doesn't bring me peace. Every argument further proof of pointless communication.

I just want to be free, baby. I want to be me, honey. It is never about you it's all me, funny bunny. You sound so serious when you think you're important. I just laugh because I know that voice, I've heard it. So many times that the name slips my mind, don't matter.

Crickets rubbin' like crazy making me forget what you said. What is his problem? Leaves shimmy shuffling, moon light nights saying, "ey yo, that shit don't matter". Pomsky baby pulls me forward, one woman bob sled. My legs glide on the pavement as your hate slips my brain.

Hi, it's me.

I'm back.

You passed away and I never really got to know you and now I think of all that time we took for granted. Your father talks to me a lot now, always about the same thing which is, all the things. All the things he said to you and the things you said back. I realize we had many things in common being the little siblings of a pair. Stuck between our own versions of right and wrong, sticking up for ourselves when no one really expected us to. I took for granted how messed up it was when you would tell me you wanted to die and I would reply with silence. Now you're really gone and it seems like we have more to talk about than ever before. Like how your dad is getting his cancer treated and your brother is going to therapy even though he swears he's emotionally stable. How your mom finally came to visit for those 3 days after like 14 years of not seeing you and it was for your funeral.

Just when things were starting to smooth out between us. Right when you finally said more to me. Up to the first time you ever called me on the phone and I was so happy that you were warming up to me. You had to go and break your promise to not do anything crazy. I put the keys to your dream car in with the bones. I never thought a part of me would ever go anywhere with you but here we are.

There is a small room with a chair and no windows in my mind now. I go in there to think of you often. Sometimes my mind just slips in there without my consent. I think of how you won't have to worry about the love of your life ever leaving you again. How your heart will no longer have to put up with aches or breaks. I think of that scream your friends let out in the street when they found out you were gone. I had to sober up real quick that day.

So many people showed up to watch the end. I was forced to be at the front lines for your brother. Everyone kept telling me that he needed me but I know that what he really needed was for this all to be an elaborate and unnecessarily dark, prank. Your dad took the time to confront your mom about shit that didn't matter anymore. Shit that hasn't mattered for years. Your mom, well she would silently pray in the back seat any time we drove her anywhere. Your friends moms who saw you grow up were devastated. Your best friend was in shambles and your other friends stood by each other to keep it together. I think you would have been surprised by how many people were cut down by the news.

Now, before you start thinking about what kind of room you should be thinking, there is nothing there.

This room is empty. 

No tables or chairs. No bed and no drawers. 

So you enter the room. You realize the room is empty. 

But wait! 

There is a window and you decide to walk to it. Perhaps something out there will help give this empty room some ambiance. 

You look out the window and what is it that you see but:

Death where life should reign. 

War where there should be peace. 

Hate that knows no love. 

Welp. You think out loud. Let me just sit somewhere and wait to see what happens next. 

But nothing happens. You sit in that room waiting for something to come that never will. You start doubting your instinct to wait and want to get up. Your body weighs you down. It doesn’t respond to your brain, your logical instinct. 

Nothing happens.

I am not going to miss the endless fist bumps. You were what i’d call a complicated goof. Almost like one of those pervy masters from anime. My favorite is Jiraiya by the way. 

As I swim through thoughts and memories of the past couple of months, a good laugh drags me away from the eerie. Although, usually it’s only a matter of days that it drags me back down. 

It grips you by the ankles. That fear of being yanked out of your bed at night. The one that plays on a loop and goes away only when you are exhausted. You open your eyes again. All of a sudden you’re greeted with a full face of morning. You know, those smells, those sounds, the way everything moves slowly. Nothing a cup of coffee, or several cups of coffee, won’t fix. 

You get distracted by the magic of daylight. desperate to escape low lit rooms with Netflix background noise. 

But I went off topic.