Transplanted Toronto Girl

But I STILL feel like the transplanted Toronto girl so I'm keeping it :)

I'm baaaaack! 

Yet again after a crazy long blog sabbatical, I'm back to writing again. 

I will be honest, I skipped off primarily because I was going through alot and I got a little tired of writing long preachy blog posts. Don't get me wrong, I think those things I said were true and important for me to say at the time, but I don't want this to be a forum for airing of all grievances. 

So what's up with me? Well I'm still in Toronto obvs. Working very hard and plotting the next movement. What is next is hard to say but I'm enjoying the ride and bouncing back. (HEY let's play how many cliches can we fit into a sentence! Wow, I think I just made fun of myself...)

Bouncing back wasn't easy guys I gotta tell you. I am just so grateful for the love and support I've had over the last year. I can't believe it but next week will be a year since I "escaped" my situation in Trinidad. 

What have I learned in a year? I've learned to forgive myself. Not going to lie, I spent months beating myself up like Mohammed Ali beating on George Foreman (google it). I knew it was pointless to punish myself for making a bad decision but I couldn't stop. Then I just...stopped. 

I realize that for good or ill, that was the path I choose and it led me to being a smarter,stronger, more compassionate person. It led me to being much more honest with myself and about myself. And I learned a valuable lesson about material possessions and why we shouldn't be to attached to them. (Ok on the real, that still stings a bit but I'm getting over it.) 

A number of people have told me that I should be proud of getting myself out of a dangerous situation unscathed. Unscathed? Not sure about that but I know the wounds have faded to battle scars that I can rock with pride. They will serve as a reminder that I'm a survivor. They are what I can share with other women, who I KNOW i am destined to help with my story. 

I am reasonably sure that 2 posts in one day has never happened on this blog before but the fact is, I started writing the other post to say one thing and I ended up going on a bit of a tangent about something else. So let me try again.

I've noticed I've been saying something lately that never used to be in my vocabulary which is, "I'm scared". It's funny because when I say it, often I have this little inward smile because I've gotten to a place in life where I am finally able to admit my vulnerability. This is a massive thing for me. 

That being said, it's become a bit concerning to me that I am using it so often. I am someone who used to hate being afraid, much less admitting it. I used to tackle everything I was scared of head on just to prove something to myself. Whether it was riding a roller coaster, performing spoken word or going on vacay by myself, I did things in defiance of my fear. Now it would appear after making a somewhat fearless decision and being more or less smacked down, I've started to let my fear dictate my actions and decisions. "I'm scared" has become a crutch for me. Now don't get me wrong, I still think it's good that I admit it, and I don't think that there is anything wrong with being afraid. Emotions are emotions and can't be right or wrong. But as I've often said to people, it's not the emotion that you experience but the action you take based on that emotion that makes the difference. 

So what is the answer? Proceed with caution but make sure you proceed. Allow time to recover from something traumatic but do not let it take over your life. Use fear as a motivator to do things, not a reason not to.

I am saying this because I know a number of people who use fear as an excuse. They make one big mistake and feel like if they ever make another one they are dumb. So they spend the rest of their lives doing penance and speaking ill of people who do take risks because secretly they wish they could do it too. So I'm saying this to those people. You CAN take risks too. You can live life and be happy. Start by stopping all those "can't" messages in your head. Keep asking yourself "why not?" Keep asking why not to every answer you come up with to the question until you figure out what the fear is that is stopping you. And start small people, I'm not suggesting you go jump off a cliff tomorrow or something. But try doing things that are outside your comfort zone. The cool thing is, the more fears you conquer, the more confident you will become and you'll be able to take on bigger and bigger risks. Realistically sometimes you are going to fail and trust me that's not a fun feeling. But you're also upping your chances of doing something totally amazing and that IS a fun feeling. 

Speaking of fun, here is a link to a list of famous people who failed (often multiple times) before then because successful. I think you'll be surprised a some of the people on this list. 

http://www.onlinecollege.org/2010/02/16/50-famously-successful-people-who-failed-at-first/

I'm of course also saying this for me as well, so when I start letting fear overtake me I can come back here and give myself a pep talk. :)

So that's the lesson of the day boys and girls. BE BRAVE. 

Courage is resistance to fear, mastery of fear, not absence of fear. Mark Twain Success is not final, failure is not fatal: it is the courage to continue that counts. Winston Churchill One isn't necessarily born with courage, but one is born with potential. Without courage, we cannot practice any other virtue with consistency. We can't be kind, true, merciful, generous, or honest. Maya Angelou History, despite its wrenching pain, cannot be unlived, but if faced with courage, need not be lived again. Maya Angelou I learned that courage was not the absence of fear, but the triumph over it. The brave man is not he who does not feel afraid, but he who conquers that fear. Nelson Mandela Mistakes are always forgivable, if one has the courage to admit them. Bruce Lee

You gain strength, courage, and confidence by every experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face. You are able to say to yourself, 'I lived through this horror. I can take the next thing that comes along.'

Eleanor Roosevelt

It takes a lot of courage to release the familiar and seemingly secure, to embrace the new. But there is no real security in what is no longer meaningful. There is more security in the adventurous and exciting, for in movement there is life, and in change there is power. Alan Cohen There are so many amazing quotes I want to use them all but I will stop here. I think you guys get the idea. 

I took a blogging sabbatical for a bit and honestly didn't think I would take it up again but here I am back and just as opinionated as ever lol.

The reason I am writing again is because I had something to say that wouldn't fit in a facebook status or a tweet. I want to share it with you all as it's a lesson that just kinda hit me over the head and maybe you're going through something as well and need to hear this.

As most of you know now (probably all) I left Trinidad under unpleasant circumstances a few months ago. To say the least that situation was one of the worst in my life (topped by my dad's passing) . I won't go into the gritty details here but if you'd like to know what happened feel free to contact me directly.( I warn you though, I only have that discussion with a drink in my hand. )I know there were alot of concerned people here and I just want to thank my family and non-blood family for their unconditional love and support. 

The unfortunate fallout made me lose a few people who I thought were friends, and I think that hurt almost as much as ending my relationship. But I've been thinking about it lately and I've come to a realization. (Stick with me here).

Diamonds are considered to be the hardest and most prized stones. They were formed under immense heat and pressure over 100,00 million years ago. (This is true, look it up.) You'd think with such an intense process to form would mean diamonds come out of mines looking beautiful but I'm sure you know that isn't the case. Once a diamond is out of the ground or mine, it has to go through an incredibly intense process where it is refined and all the bits that don't need to be attached to it are removed.(Do you see where I'm going with this?)  The stages of cutting a diamond are planning, cleaving or sawing, bruting, polishing. In addition, the only way to cut diamond in order to shape and polish it, is with the hardest mineral in the world which would be...got it...diamond. So to recap, highly intense heat and pressure, and some really rough handling to refine it, and what you end up with is one of the most beautiful and highly valued stones in the world. 

WHEW that felt like the longest metaphor ever. 

My point is, you can't expect to get through life unscathed. You will be subjected to some crazy pressure, you can't let it break you. The only way to endure is by becoming STRONGER. And just when you think your life is damn near perfect, you're going to go through a sometimes brutal refining process and some bits (relationships/friendships/jobs) are going to be removed . And lets be honest, it totally sucks but it's that process that is shaping you into someone that is beautiful and valuable, if you are strong enough to handle it.

Oh I totally forgot, I have a confession to make. 

Wait for it....

Waaaaaait for it....

I bought Croc sandals.

I KNOW I KNOW I KNOW I KNOW! But they're SO comfy. I have been doing so much travelling and I was in the airport and my feet hurt and I thought, I couldn't hurt to try them on and they felt sooo good. Don't judge me. You should all have known it was only a matter of time considering how much I bitch about sore feet. I promise I only wear them when travelling and I wouldn't be caught dead in them in say, downtown Toronto.

The funny thing is when I was buying them, the sales girl offered me some sort of oil to rub on them to make them shiny to wear with a dressier outfit. I think my look of horror made her realize the error of her ways lol. 

I'm planning on writing  a nice long post about my trip to Toronto when I get back to Van but this morning I have something I need to get out of my head.

You know, the older I get the harder it is for me to put my feelings to the side to make other people happy. Don't get me wrong I'm not turning into a total bitch but I'm definitely not as accommodating as I used to be. Sometimes I feel a little guilty about this. But when I really think about it, it fits into my overall approach to life.

Life is SHORT and we only get one shot. Whether it is a job, a situation or a relationship, I won't waste time on what I don't value or what doesn't make me happy. If I am squandering my time, I am not using it to enhance and nourish the situations and relationships that make me a better person. 

I guess I'm saying this as an explanation for some of my recent behavior. This isn't the forum for an airing of grievances however since some of that behavior was publicly observed, I felt the need to address it publicly as well. If you are reading this and feel that this new approach has directly impacted you, feel free to get in touch with me. 

In the mean time, don't be surprised if I don't bite my tongue. And if you don't want to hear the truth, maybe don't ask my opinion. I will never say or do anything to maliciously or deliberately hurt anyone but as a very wise person once said, I can't own other peoples emotions. 

And for the record, I do expect the same from my friends. If I am doing something that you don't like or agree with, TELL ME. I may not act on your opinion but I certainly respect your right to express it and I appreciate honesty.  If for whatever reason you think that I am not adding value to your life, please use your time where you see fit. I might get hurt feelings but I'm a big girl and hurt feelings won't kill me. 

Enough. 

I truly love my friends and feel extraordinarily blessed to have such incredible friendships in my life. Last night I looked around me and felt so very special and HUMBLED that such amazing people care about me and miss me and love me too.  

Smooches Darlings. 

[W]e all need friends with whom we can speak of our deepest concerns, and who do not fear to speak the truth in love to us. Margaret Guenther

You have been my friend. That in itself is a tremendous thing. I wove my webs for you because I liked you. After all, what's a life, anyway? We're born, we live a little while, we die. A spider's life can't help being something of a mess, with all this trapping and eating flies. By helping you, perhaps I was trying to lift up my life a trifle. Heaven knows anyone's life can stand a little of that. E. B. White

It is one of the blessings of old friends that you can afford to be stupid with them. Ralph Waldo Emerson

Had a visitor from home last week. My girl Eliscia came out for a visit and it was so good to have a little time with an old friend. We had lots of yummy food and some good old girl chats and it left me feeling refreshed and ready to take on the world again. Thanks for coming out E. It was nice to catch up and share a bit of my new life with you.

I also had the opportunity to check out the Vancouver equivalent of Caribana with another old Toronto friend and his girl, as well as my little sister. Needless to say its nothing like Toronto Caribana but it was a tiny taste of the islands and I thoroughly enjoyed it. The sound of soca and reggae mad me feel like I was home again and drinking carib and jumping up in the very rare Vancouver sunshine was a special treat for me. 

I must admit between the sucky weather here and lots of hard work I've been feeling a bit down. But I booked my very first ticket home for the end of this week and just the act of booking my ticket had me flying. I can't wait to see my family and friends. Especially my little nephew for the very first time, and my little Ella who is growing up so fast and already talking I hear. And of course T-mike and Kiara and Ray who is in town visiting, as well as Ashton and Calvin. I'm looking forward to it so much. Friday can't come fast enough. 

As usual, whenever it's time for a bit of a vacay, work ramps up and stresses maximize. But I'm keeping my eyes on the positive as I always do and refusing to let the little things (i.e: incompentent training coordinator) piss me off.