Welcome To My World!

This picture was taken not too long after I got away from my ex. See, this picture is an insecure, scared, stressed, depressed, worried, crying all hours of the day woman, trying to do what was best for herself and her kids.

It was a horrible time for me, I had just left my abusive husband with two young children. Sought help and moved to Winnemucca for a month. I was scared that my ex would find me, he had made all sorts of threats, called me almost 24/7, left me horrible messages and I was lost.

All I wanted was to start over and make a peaceful environment for the kiddos and myself. Sometimes not having a plan is the best way to move on. Jason went through a few people on my Facebook friends asking them if they knew where I was because I “went crazy and kidnapped the kids.” Little did people know that I was being verbally and mentally abused daily and having unwanted fights in front of our 3 y/o and infant at the time.

Even though I have come from an abusive past, I’ve not let it dictate who I want to be, it’s made me stronger in a lot of ways and I’m able to freely share my past with you. Hopefully be an inspiration of some sort. I’m not perfect. I struggle with different things at different times. One thing I know is that I deserve good, even though my life is still pretty fucked up I continually choose to be this amazing, bad ass woman even when people think I am not. I still love and care for others probably more than I should, I still get hurt deeply when feelings are not reciprocated. I choose to be 100% honest with anyone that crosses my path.

Sometimes I feel as though I was meant to live a life of making others happy and continually being hurt one way or another. I’ve actually felt like that since I was a young teen unfortunately, not a lot of things go right in my life and I’m still waiting for that one person to tell me I’m worth it (even though I know I am) worth fighting for, worth keeping, worth having in their life, worth struggling with, worth patience, with love, worth not being given up on. I know I am.

The dark room is loniness and it’s where I stay most days. I sit in this dark room pondering my existence and things that are unrealistic in today’s standards.

Things that don’t matter fill my mind, they consume me and cause me to become blinded by the overwhelming thoughts and I start to drowned. Drowning in my own tears and the fears of being alone. I guess I am home here.

No one is greatful, no one is faithful, no one is real. They all live for their own selfish desires, starting fires after they leave your life. Taking what they want without thinking twice because they do not care. They don’t care if they left you scarred, bruised, or battered, they just watch you burn from afar. Somehow proud you’re sadness is like the scar they tattooed upon your heart while the needle pricks your skin and penetrates you deeper with the reminder that you’re still here. Feel me!

I’m bound to be alone in this dark room. All my love, hope, caring heart is given away to unfortunate dismay that finds me scanning the walls because I cannot see. It finds me because I still can feel the ripples on these walls, in the darkness. They lead me nowhere, just round and round I go. There is no door to open and escape what I feel, what I’ve received from the ill willed.

What do I need to change so that someone may see past the darkness into this dark room and find ME?! Why don’t you want me?! Why can’t you choose me?!

I hate all that I want to become yet love to feel numb and let the darkness take over. I want to use you like you’ve used me, make you sink in my wounds stitch you up as you gasp for air in the plasma that oozes from the pokes you gave me when you tattooed me with the lies you provided when you said I meant more to you.

Not everyone will appreciate that you’re opinionated.

Not everyone will appreciate that you’re comfortable with your choices.

Not everyone will appreciate that you’re in touch with your feelings and not afraid to show them.

You were not put on this earth to please everyone, you were put on this earth to be yourself, accept yourself, and love yourself, don’t worry about the haters. LIVE. YOUR. LIFE!

Be you!!!!!!

I’m a broken person and everyone sits there with double standards pointing at me?

Judging me?

Using words from conversations misunderstood to tell me I’m not good enough for them.

Breaking my heart that is full of imperfect love, hate, and human issues I lay on the table for them to see, before we become anything more.

I can only be me.

I’ll always be me.

I cry myself to sleep.

I die a little bit more inside and I can see no one gets me. They just take, take, take while I lay bare and they fill me with their lies. I need to wash myself clean, but they stained my body.

I cry.

More than the “good days” when you’re not calling me a bitch or cunt.

More than that “apology ring” saying you’ll change.

More than the designer handbag after you lied about something or punched the wall in.

More than the new car you tired to flip over with me and the kids in it.

More than all the “I don’t want to lose you!” after you kept me up all night calling me a cheater and holding a gun to your head.

More than the makeup sex when you said you couldn’t live without me.

More than the apologies you made after you told me I was stupid for my pregnancy hormones being out of whack. Or thinking I was ridiculous for having to pee multiple times on a trip out of state.

More than you yelling in my ear literally one inch away, or making me feel bad about not washing clothes, dishes, etc. after having a baby.

That’s not real love!!!

I choose me, I love me too much to continue to believe anything will be different next time. I love me too much, so, I’ll believe your threat about putting me in the hospital will be true next time.

I love me too much, I choose me.

#emmyspeaks