Vent Blog

I wish I looked like what people liked and wanted and thought was worth love and affection and admiration enough to be seen as attractive, enough to be adored and cared about, I really really wish I did.

My biggest problem is that part of me doesn't want to get better. Part of me found comfort and familiarity in the absolute suffering and agony. It's home.

As opposed to that quote about “the horrifying ordeal of being known,” do y’all ever feel so positively UNKNOWN and UNSEEN that it frightens you? Like there’s a self that you feel on the inside, and you believe to be “you,” but it seems like nobody else sees that version of you? And they’re interacting with someone that isn’t you but a projection of their experience of you? What’s more, perhaps nobody will ever know your true essence and you will die without ever being fully realized????? I’m only two beers in honestly

Claiming abuse changed me doesnt really cover it. Abuse shaped me. Theres no part of me that was un touched. I never grew up without it. Change implies there’s something to go back to— there isnt. I dont have anything to go back to. So I either have to find something new or die trying.